John Howett (Toyota Team Principal and part-time Baldrick lookalike) has today announced the early deliberations of the new FOTALPWG (Formula One Teams Association Launch Party Working Group), which Flavio Briatore claims was his idea but no-one believes anymore.
The purpose of the group is to agree a format and location for the proposed common car launch for 2010.
"Knowing how diverse the individual car launches were in previous years and how ridiculously precious Ron Dennis was about making his look the most expensive, we thought we better do a bit of a brainstorm and see what the individual teams wishes were and what is feasible in the timeframe" , said John, resplendant in his snazzy white toyota team shirt.
Although official transcripts of the meeting are yet to be leaked to AUTOSPORT in time honoured fashion, we were fortunate enough to have a mole present during the deliberations (and we're not talking about Jean Todt) who has put together the following summary of the teams basic ideas for their bit of the launch.
As you will see, in typical F1 style, it is hopelessly unagreeable and has absolutely nothing to do with racing.......
2010 F1 Teams* Launch Party Wishlist (*TBC)
Ferrari: "We want it to be a red, shiny, cozy do with lots of pasta standing by - the car park of a Florentine Restaurant perhaps"
Red Bull: "We want to hold it on the set of the next Hollywood blockbuster movie we can latch on to"
Toyota: "We want it to be a joyless, clinical affair - preferably held in a hospital"
Brawn: "We don't do launches, we don't have time...."
McLaren: "We want to hold it on the moon. Lewis will drive the car up a 240,000 mile monorail that we're currently building from the Woking Death Star and his girlfriend will sing until her lungs explode in zero gravity, showering the whole of space in droplets of blood that spell out the Vodafone logo.
Renault: We want it held somewhere cheap. Robert Kubica will set fire to a wicker man effigy of Flavio Briatore whilst pole dancing from a helicopter.
Team USF1: "We'll pretend we held it on the moon and then post the fake videos of it on youtube"
Force India: "Same as last year would be best for us - everyone dresses up in track suits except the drivers, who get to dress like Indian waiters for some reason best known to Vijay Mallya"
Manor Grand Prix: "We envision Sir Richard of Bransonshire floating down from one of his balloons (or one of his new intergalactic space shuttles if it's ready in time) - smiling coquettishly (as ever) as he does so and totally overshadowing the launch"
Lotus: "We want an enormous "Lotus" logo to hang down from the ceiling to take everyone's mind off the fact that our car will probably not be ready yet whilst Sir Stirling Moss bores everyone with his stories about Colin Chapman and Mike "the Rottweiler" Gascoyne defends the fact that we haven't got a windtunnel.
Campos: "We've already booked a tapas bar in Madrid and half of the GP2 and F3 drivers have said "they'll let us know".
Williams: "We're having a small do at number 8, place de la Concorde, Paris with vol-u-vents, snails, and Max Mosley will be hiring the entertainment (Patrick Head may also be airing his dirty joke collection). We wish to state that we want to have absolutely nothing to do with FOTALPWG and we wont agree to anything if it costs us more than £8.50 per head (not Patrick).
The Ghost of BMW Sauber is believed to have agreed to haunt the proceedings in one form or another.
