Alt-Mario Kart 2002: The Year in the Mud

[Rob Dylan]

Promotional Photo

Welcome to the 2002 season of Mario Kart. This is the last year we shall be running under Phase 2 regulations, so expect at least some big changes coming in the next months. Now that Waluigi has emerged the world champion out of seemingly nowhere, Mario Kart has been turned on its head, and with one more year to go before everything is turned on its head, can he make it two in a row?


News
Scandal is just around the corner. While Mario Kart ended 2001 feeling safer than ever, the ten-year anniversary will be no honeymoon. There have been rumours only lightly (thankfully) commented on by the sports press in the Mushroom Kingdom, that a scandal is coming that could rock the sport forever. The MIA has been meeting with the appropriate parties during the off-season, and seem determined to make everyone believe that nothing is going on. Watch this space.

Over in Donkey Kong Country, it is unsure whether the opening race at DK Jungle Parkway will even go ahead. The military junta that has held power over the nation since 1987 seems to be at its weakest point. Pro-democracy protesters have taken to the streets asking for political and electoral reform. With the country's racing series intended as a sportswashing phenomenon, we sit down with Donkard Kong III, series runner, to see if he believes the series can continue in its current form.

Scuderia SSL Team go into 2002 as defending champions on both the driver and teams front. However, no contracts have been signed for the new year. Luigi Mario is an unhappy bunny in being upstaged by his team's new signing. Daisy von Sarasaland left the team to destroy the opposition in Diddy Kong Racing. With three world champions, who is driving where in the new year? Many questions to be answered.

Dixie Kong had a tough year, not achieving her first win until late in 2001. Birdetta Birdo and her have been quite equal on pace recently, which is good for Redsaurus, but bad for team dynamics. It has been a dent to her ego, and one wonders whether that will be repaired this coming year.

Koopra Sport were the big winners of last year, with Kokkoro Toudou turning herself into a major star with third place in the championship. Morton Koopa Jr. brought his terrible luck with him from DKR, and he will feel he has a lot to prove as we go forward.

BMW suffered their worst year in a long time. Pointless for the first half, they were saved by some occasional heroics from Toad and Pipsy, though more from Toad. Their star driver is already signed for 2002, but question marks are up about her future.

Peachific is another anomaly. Peach Toadstool is clearly planning her retirement soon, but her two proteges aren't stepping up. Shall she stick with them or find someone else to bring her heavily-funded outfit to the top?

Scuderia Barile Ardente are at an impasse. In spite of top talent in at least one of their karts, they seem unable to break into the points at any occasion. What is the answer for them?

Wario Ware Racing too have at least one top talent in their karts. Their first year was not embarrassing, considering the competitive nature of Mario Kart right now. Again though, where is the talent coming from or going. Is progress coming or will they go backwards?

Then Kameklaren. They seem to have neither top talent nor a good kart. Kamek Magikoopa is reminiscing of the old days when King Bobomb was around.


Rule Changes
For the time being, most rule changes are simply about homologating the series. Entries are effectively barred to yet more tyre and engine suppliers, forcing the backmarkers to take customer engines and suppliers. Otherwise, all attention is on 2003.


The Entry List
Scuderia Sarasaland Squadron Luigier Team (a.k.a. SSL)
#1 Wa Luigi
#2 Luigi Mario

Mitsuyoshi Buntai
#3 Dixie Kong
#4 Birdetta Birdo

Koopra Sport
#5 Kokkoro Toudou
#6 Morton Koopa Jr.

Bowser Motor Works (a.k.a. BMW)
#7 Toad Toadstool
#8 Para Troopa

Peachific
#9 Peach Toadstool
#10 Candy Kong (Rs 1-4)
#10 Pipsy Astromouse (Rs 5-8)
#10 Wendy O. Koopa (Rs 9-12)

Scuderia Barile Ardente (a.k.a. SBA)
#11 Banjo-Kazooie
#12 Funky Kong

Wario Ware Racing (a.k.a. WWR)
#14 Bowser Koopa Jr.
#15 Pauline Williams

Kameklaren
#16 Timber Tiger (Rs 1-4, 11-16)
#16 Mark Wiggler (Rs 5-10)
#17 Whomp King


The Calendar
Mushroom Cup: Luigi Raceway; Moo Moo Farm; Koopa Troopa Beach; Kalimari Desert
Flower Cup: Toad's Turnpike; Frappe Snowland; Choco Mountain; Mario Raceway
Star Cup: Wario Stadium; Sherbet Land; Royal Raceway; Bowser's Castle
Special Cup: DK's Jungle Parkway; Yoshi Valley; Banshee Boardwalk; Rainbow Road

The calendar remains the same as it did last year, and will continue as such for the coming years.

All official updates etc will be on this spreadsheet here.




And as always, anyone reading this who wants to sign up, simply post here or message in the Discord and we'll get you a character.

Wa!

[Rob Dylan]

Reminder: although it has been something of a ceremonial role due to the complete inaction of current representative Para Troopa, the MKDA post will be up for election this summer.

[HawkAussie]

Timber Tiger is available for a drive this season in Maro Kart if required.

[Rob Dylan]

In the first and hopefully most bizarre announcement of the 2002 silly season, Bowser has announced that, rejoining him after a year at Wario Ware Racing, Para Troopa has a BMW contract. The move to re-hire the current MKDA representative is being seen as a political one, because what other movie could there be?

[Rob Dylan]

So how does the future of Mario Kart look?

SSL
In a move that was anticipated if not guaranteed, Waluigi has signed up for the 2002 season with SSL, the team that brought him all the success of last year. Whether or not it was meant to be, Waluigi can hardly do much better than where he is now. SSL will keep the #1 and #2 karts. The latter kart, it has been decided, will be run with Luigi Mario. The lateness of the call has prompted rumours that Luigi, 1992 Mario Kart champion and four-times runner-up, is intending to retire at the end of this year. SSL has not yet commented publicly on these rumours.

Mitsuyoshi
Dixie Kong has again signed up for Mitsuyoshi in what is usually a done deal when it happens. She has only ever driven for her manager Redsaurus, and has had two world championships from it to boot. What took more negotiations was a re-signing of Birdetta Birdo. Birdo has always been on-and-off with the team, especially following the contractual shenanigans that took place in the spring of 2000, but she has again signed up for a full year contract.

Koopra Sport
Koopa Troopa is a man who likes predictability. Predictability has usually been the name of the game at Koopra Sport, and his star driver Kokkoro Toudou has been only improving year after year. It seems from Koopra Sport's side that they would like to retain Morton for a second year at the team, but negotations are ongoing.

BMW
As reported earlier, BMW were the first to organise their line-up, with Toad carrying on into the second year of his present contract, and Para Troopa making an unlikely return to the former championship winners.

Peachific
Peachific is reporting the strangest of the silly season news so far. After Birdo refused a lucrative contract offer, Peach has decided to return full-time in 2002 after hinting that she was moving into retirement mode. However, the second seat has been rumoured to have been offered to four different drivers at the same time :kaltenborn: The princess is reportedly offering four different female drivers a Cup to partake in. We await the results of these "negotiations".

Scuderia Barile Ardente
Funky Kong is another driver who won't yet retire, although he keeps saying he will. He has re-signed Banjo-Kazooie for the main seat, with himself taking second. We await the news as to whether any dodgy business or favours will need to be called in by Redsaurus, though...

Wario Ware Racing
Wario had a difficult, if not dreadful opening season in Mario Kart. Jumpman, who has had a long professional relationship with BMW owner Bowser Koopa that stretches back nearly a decade, has made his first signing for WWR in Bowser's son Bowser Koopa Jr. The son of the 1993 world champion will make his debut at Luigi Raceway, and the pundits will be evaluating him closely as a potential new prospect.

Kameklaren
Things don't look very rosy for Kameklaren. As team owner Kamek spent the majority of his off-season time doing MIA evaluations to keep his racing licence ("just in case it is necessary"), his team is in seriously dire financial straits. It is reported that 2001's winner of the Lewis Hammerton Trophy, Timber Tiger, is going to be their star driver for the coming season, while other prospects such as Larry Koopa are stalling in the negotiation process.

[Rob Dylan]

After seeing the dominoes fall into place, Morton signs up for another season with Koopra Sport.

[Rob Dylan]

On the other side of the world, Donkey Kong has been scooping up the world's racing talent. Larry Koopa, previously slated to be driving for Kameklaren or Wario Ware Racing, has instead got himself a top kart in DKR, as has Daisy von Sarasaland, who will return to defend her racing title. Timber Tiger will also be in a top kart, along with Goombario and DK3 himself. It's seen as quite the steal for these drivers to take the limited number of seats at the front row, so to speak.

Further back, Conker has been re-hired in the spec karts, while new and untested drivers like Bombette, Elvin Gadd, and Roy Koopa have also been signed.

It is unknown yet whether Whomp King, 2000 Diddy Kong Racing champion, will be invited back to the series.

[Rob Dylan]

Final Seats filled
The final chair has been sat upon. The 2002 Mario Kart season is going to get underway soon, with Kameklaren, WWR, and Peachific all making their final lineups official.

Pipsy Astromouse, Candy Kong, and Wendy O. Koopa are all driving for the second Peachific seat, the #10. Each will participate in a Cup, and whoever scores the highest out of those three will be invited to drive for the team for a second Cup at the end of the year. It is about the norm for Wendy and Candy, but a step down for Pipsy after her BMW drive last season.

Pauline Williams has been signed for Wario Ware Racing on a rather shaky contract, after team principal Wario Jumpman admits publicly he was late to the game in signing up the best talent for 2002. His preferred choice Larry Koopa was snatched from under his nose by Donkey Kong, while we wait and see as to how well Pauline will do in her first season actually driving in Mario Kart.

Kameklaren has seen literal royalty paying for their seats in the past, and this year is no different. Whomp King, the 2000 Diddy Kong Racing champion, will drive full-time for the team in 2002 after losing out on a top drive in his home series. It is just another event in the long line of swaps going on behind the scenes between DKR and MK. Meanwhile, Mark Wiggler has too been demoted from his original placing in the team, and down to a part-time driver: he will drive the six races when Timber Tiger is occupying the top DKR drive.

All we wait for now is the news about the final three DKR seats and then we are go.

[Rob Dylan]

Exclusive Interview: Pauline Williams


Artist's rendition

How does it feel, finally being a Mario Kart driver after all these years?

Well I can tell you that it has been a long time coming. The love of my life, Mario Mario, has always supported me as both a person and a driver, and I am so grateful for the work he has done in getting me on the grid in Diddy Kong Racing before now, and then in setting up my own team.

So Mario was behind the Williams team?

[sweating] Why no! The Williams team was built up with my name on the door and my own hands behind it. Sure, it was a disaster that cost countless fortunes with no conceivable benefit, but we brought opportunities to what people say is a closed and elitist sport. Mario Mario was the only one who said to me that this was a good idea, and two years later I still think it is.

So why now? Why choose to sit in the driver's seat where you didn't before?

Now with a near-championship, a win in Diddy Kong Racing and experience as a team manager, I thought that the only experience I have yet to conquer is a world championship in Mario Kart. I believe I can do it, and with such a brilliant tactician as Wario Jumpman on the pitwall, I foresee great things this year.

A world championship doesn't come easy. How are you going to do it?

By sheer grit and determination. I have stood up against the very best, whether it is against Daisy von Sarasaland or against Mario Mario himself. Wario Ware Racing is the best team on the grid by far in terms of professionalism, and if I don't win this year, it will be next year or the year after.

Speaking of Mario Mario, when was the last time you saw him?

Yesterday.

[surprised] Oh really? Is he in the country [The Mushroom Kingdom]?

No no no, he's in REDACTED with REDACTED.

Do you think he will ever come back to Mario Kart?

Sooner than you think.

And what was behind the story of your absence from the series finale last year at DK Jungle Parkway?

Well, now that some years have passed - water under the bridge, so to speak - I can tell you that my entry was funded and provided by the love of my life, Mario Mario himself. He gave me that opportunity to show myself as the world championship material I think most would agree I am. When I lost the championship due to sheer bad luck, circumstances and politics, Mario talked to me after it happened and told me I was destined for greater things than this. It was tough love to miss the last race, but now I am here, better than ever. I wish Goombario all the best. He, just like me, won his first race in that kart, so he can't be all bad!

NOTE: a representative of Mario Mario commented after this interview that Mario Mario holds no involvement of any kind with the Diddy Kong Racing series at the present time.

[Rob Dylan]

Where are they now? Tip Tup

How are your tiny limbs?

Broken.

What have you been doing since you broke your tiny limbs?

Thank you for asking. Nowadays I'm a music teacher in Bubblegloop Swamp. I haven't had much contact with the racing world since my accident in 1998. I say accident, but these days I'm not so sure. Whereas nowadays Diddy Kong Racing is run a little bit more benevolently and a hell of a lot more safely, back in my day there was no support for injured drivers like myself. The circus simply continued and I was left in hospital. They didn't even send me a card.

Do you blame Mario Mario?

Oh, absolutely.

What do you say to the rumours that he is going to make a comeback to racing?

I heard such nonsense, but I couldn't believe that the racing authorities would allow it. He's a talented driver, no doubt, but with an ego like that, it's too unstable to be operating at this level of competitiveness. That and the talk behind the scenes that he may have murdered Yoshisaur, not to mention Diddy Kong...

But he is popular with the fans.

That is true. Mario's fans are greater than any other. Many years ago I went to Mario Circuit and saw the red grandstand, and it converted me to racing completely.

Who are you most excited about in racing right now?

Without a doubt, Goombario and Waluigi. Both of them are winners, and one has just dominated a world championship. I see no reason why Waluigi won't floor the field this season too.

So he's your favourite for the championship?

Oh, absolutely.

Under what conditions would you allow Mario to return to racing?

Certainly not in a team boss role. I think, if he wanted to come back, he would have to do it from the bottom like the rest of us. No lifts from friends, and after what I've heard, a drug test before and after every race.

Are drugs a prevalent feature of modern racing?

Yes. But legally I can say no more.

[Rob Dylan]

Exclusive Interview: Redsaurus

We sat down with the current team principal of Mitsuyoshi, Redsaurus, to discuss his career, his prospects, and the future for Mario Kart.

So you still have a superlicence to race in Mario Kart, is that correct?

It is.

Are you planning to do any races in the near future? Why do you train so hard to be fit to race?

Revenge. But also in case we need a last-minute replacement, that I can step in. I owe Yoshisaur that much.

How much of your day-to-day work is done with your old friend in mind?

Just about all of it. I hear him during the day, I see him in my dreams. I do it all so that we can win, and that Mario Mario can one day see justice.

Do you still believe Mario killed Yoshisaur?

He did. The evidence, whether planted or not, proved he did so. In spite of a cynical and corrupt MIA's efforts to brush the trouble under the carpet with a timely MKDA election, we know that Mario killed Yoshisaur, and I don't know why this question still comes to me, and why it's still a debate.

What do you say to news that Mario is in talks for a return to the series in some capacity?

I will say it is a serious injustice to all things holy and respectable in the racing community. That war criminal and murderer should not be allowed anywhere near this series in any capacity.

And what about your own drivers? What about your chances for 2002?

We have had some trouble developing the engine for this year but we are doing our best to rectify any faults before the season begins. Our driver line-up is secure as always: Dixie Kong, who remains our star driver, returns for her fifth full season with us, while Birdo comes back for her fourth.

And things are ok between you and Birdo? We know that there have been contract tensions behind the scenes.

Birdo knows we are the best team on the Mario Kart grid, and if not the best then we are fighting with the best. Any time she has doubts, she always comes crawling back. She is a dependable talent and keeps Dixie in check.

What drivers are you looking at for the future?

I am more than pleased to see Bluesaurus drive at the present time, even in his advanced age. He is making Yoshisaur proud with his efforts and podiums to this day. In terms of future talents you can't look much further than the new talents coming out of Diddy Kong Racing and from the Koopa siblings. A little too much politics in other people's favour, though - Bowser Jr. and the Koopa siblings are likely all tied up, while I am a little concerned with the over-representation of Kongs everywhere. However, what with Daisy von Sarasaland across the ocean and Para Troopa back at BMW [snorts with laughter], we don't need to worry too much about how our line-up looks.

Can you take the fight to Waluigi and SSL this year?

We can and we will win.

[Rob Dylan]

Rising Stars: Nicolas Hammerton

Nicolas, 23, sits in a rather comfortable looking chair, cross-legged, in a rather cultish-looking lounge that features behind him shelves after shelves of his late brother Lewis' trophies.

Do you compare yourself to your late brother as a driver?

Yes I do. He was always my mentor as a child, and now that he is gone, I must do what I can to redeem the family name.

What made you want to drive in Mario Kart? Why now?

At first I thought it was impossible. Then I saw the roster every year: Kong, Koopa, it's all the same. All these siblings and cousins and nephews and nieces all participating at the top line of racing - Lewis and I came from a privileged background but we were never so privileged as to have had the whole racing world at our feet. The world is severely lacking a Hammerton, and I am going to be that Hammerton.

How are you going to achieve that?

Nowadays the ladder is quite clear - Diddy Kong Racing can get you noticed if you don't have a famous name behind you. But I do. Plus, do I really want to set foot in a series that killed my brother?

Killed your brother? Do you blame the series, DK3, Mario?

Mario mostly. Things seem to have become a lot better since he has left the show. I hope we never see him again.

Will we see you in DKR or Mario Kart this year?

I hope so. I have good relations with many of the teams and drivers, not least my manager Birdo. I know she'll do what she can to get me in a racing seat.

Nicolas, thank you for your time.

Call me Nic. And before you go, I demand that we say a prayer for my #blessed brother Lewis.

[Rob Dylan]

Pre-Season Testing



It was all a bit ominous in pre-season testing, as Waluigi crashed after setting just one timed lap, and still ended the day fastest of anyone. He seems to have a tenth or two in hand over absolutely everybody, not least his teammate. There were surprises from the Peachifics especially, both of which seemed to show some good pace, while it seemed the Mitsuyoshi and SBA customer teams were falling behind. Otherwise no major drama or crashes, except for some fireworks from the Boogatti camp.

[Rob Dylan]

Luigi Raceway



The opening round contained all the ominousnessness of the pre-season testing, as SSL romped away at the front with some truly staggering pace. The only opponents remotely close to them over the duration of the weekend were BMW and Peachific, where Candy Kong had front-row pace and Toad managed to at least keep the boys in green honest. By race end, Luigi was beaten again on pure race pace by his champion teammate, and Peach managed to grab the last point. Other surprises included the SBAs nearly taking a point each, along with Dixie Kong making multiple mistakes and Bowser Koopa Jr. and Timber Tiger making lots of flashy overtakes through the pack.

[Rob Dylan]

Mushroom Cup

The Peachific rise in pace was not a fluke, and it continued into the following rounds. Candy Kong was able to take a shock win from pole at Koopa Troopa Beach, after a race-long fight with Luigi Mario and Para Troopa, the latter of which had his personal race of the year. At Kalimari Desert, Luigi and Para would come to contact when fighting for victory, in a controversial incident that left the 1992 champion with a reprimand. Whomp King took a brilliant fourth place for Kameklaren at the same event, but both occasions were overshadowed by the complete and total disqualification of Banjo-Kazooie from the championship. After a shameful crash into Morton Koopa Jr. in a fight for fifth, the MIA decided to ban him from Mario Kart for the rest of 2002.

BMW's start to the season was surely better than the previous year - Toad was able to win at Moo Moo Farm and take two further podiums. Para Troopa's usual shenanigans returned, with a rather wide selection of crashes and incidents in a short amount of time. Mitsuyoshi had a rubbish few opening rounds, but both drivers were able to get on the podium and therefore the points tally by the end of the Cup.

[Rob Dylan]

DRUGS IN MARIOVERSE MOTORSPORT?

EXPLOSIVE NEW REVELATIONS BY RACING STAR

CAN RACING BE TRUSTED?

Pauline Williams has come forward and told all.

In an explosive interview with the press, she has explained that not all is as it seems in Mario Kart. She claims that there is prevalent use of drugs throughout the Marioverse when it comes to professional racing, and that names big and small are guilty of this. It has been such a big deal and caused such a stir that the MKADA (the Mario Kart Anti Doping Authority) has seen fit to conduct a full investigation into doping past and present in the series.

This was not a nameless testimony, either. The accusations were levelled squarely at figures such as Mario Mario, Daisy von Sarasaland, Baby Luigi and Baby Mario, Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas, the entire Kong family, and even her current team principal Wario Jumpman himself.

Pauline claims that her benefactor in last year's Diddy Kong Racing season was none other than Mario himself, and that the disgraced former racer coerced her into taking performance-enhancing drugs as a method of ensuring her victory in the series. She claims her absence from the season finale last year was due to Mario finding another "experiment to work on", as she put it. Indeed, her replacement Goombario has won both of the races he has entered in Mario's Kart, further fuelling the sentiment that he too may be taking performance-enhancing drugs.

This could sent shockwaves through racing as we know it. Are the drivers cheating? Will the MIA allow Mario Kart's name to be dragged through the mud? More to follow.

[Rob Dylan]

PROTESTS WORSEN IN DKC

Indeed, it is so, that the future of governance in Donkey Kong Country itself is up for debate. Can anything be certain in uncertain times?

At the beginning of the year, what has since become known as the Banana Spring has spread like wildfire into further events. The military junta that has withheld since the end of the Great War in 1987 looks set to crumble at any minute.

Most importantly, even more important than democracy, is what will happen to racing in the country? The DKR season has just only begun. Can the series, funded quite heavily by the military regime, continue in a democratic state?

[Frogfoot9013]

Firstly, I would like to denounce the ongoing protests in Donkey Kong Country against the legitimate, elected government of the nation. It is very clear that there are foreign actors illegally destabilising the government, just as they tried in Venezuela. The Americans are behind this, as they always are! It is clear these agents of reaction have nothing but chaos and violence to offer the world. But they will not succeed, no matter what they think. As an aside, Mario would also like to offer his full support and cooperation to the investigations into doping being carried out by the MKDA. Finally, the taint of corruption is being purged from the sport.

[Pinkd56]

Daisy von Sarasaland has issued the following statement:

Any irregularities in test results are a result ofchanges that the body goes through during pregnancy. As many will be aware, I have two wonderful children and I refute any accusations of wrong doing by myself and my children. I am willing to cooperate with an independent drug testing body should this be required.

[Frentzen127]

Mitsuyoshi is confident in the honesty and responsibility of its drivers and workforce and will take an active role in prosecuting those it believes are guilty of infringements of rules, ethics and honorable conduct. Personally however, I vehemently condemn any suggestion that the gentleman and hero of the sport that was Yoshisaur behaved in any way against the rules and proper decorum, and further condemn the fact that these accusations are levied against a person unable to defend themselves.

[Nessafox]

Whilst it is true Baby Mario has to take meds, all of them are prescription drugs and done so by our personal doctor, thus the child should not be to blame, and i should not be blamed for trusting a medical expert

Regarding Yoshi, the guy's dead, just leave him to rest, for heck's sake. We've had him investigated in the past, the results were negative. Let the dead be dead. Come on, this is disrespectful

This Yoshi mister is dad?

[Rob Dylan]

After the announcement of the new investigation into potential doping in Mario Kart, the MKADA received a surprise visit from one Mario Mario, who offered very persuasively to take charge of the investigation and to provide the information he knows regarding any and all suspects in potential cheating. The MIA has agreed, in light of Mario's friendly co-operation, to reinstate him as a member of the MKDA.

The results of the MKADA and the MIA's joint investigation will be hopefully published this summer.

[Rob Dylan]

DOMESTIC INCIDENT AT LUIGI'S MANSION

Police were called to the scene yesterday evening when some form of celebrity event got out of control at Luigi Mario's Mansion in the late hours of the night. Guests included many from the racing world, including his brother Mario, Toad Toadstool, along with King Boo and famous professor Elvin Gadd. Local residents reported multiple power outages, screams, and heavy machinery work. In a short statement made to the press, Luigi claim that the event was "only a misunderstanding", and "a few friends having fun together on our weekend off". However, this magazine understands that Professor Gadd was wheeled out of the house on life support, furthering claims that this was the case of celebrities thinking they can get away and have it all and more. We'll bring you more news when we get it.

Elvin Gadd dies age 52



In a shocking twist, the famous professor Elvin Gadd has died at the age of 52 following some form of domestic incident or party that occurred at Luigi Mario's Mansion last Saturday night. While the cause of death has not been explained, we understand it is possible the professor may have been scared to death. Police are bringing in all party gatherers in for questioning.

[You-Gee-Eee-Day]

Toad was reached for comment this morning and gave the following prepared statement.

(spoken in a high pitched, annoying, squeaky voice) During the night in question I was attending a party with several friends at Luigi Mario's small country mansion property. As a representative of Karting, I conducted myself entirely as I felt was appropriate, and did not as some have claimed consume alcohol to excess, or any illicit substances. However, I was not a witness to any of the events in question.

I was discussing the proposals for future safety regulations in Karting with several others. I reached over to a small table where there were some Murray Mints in a bowl. It was at this point that my trousers fell off. At this point, I regret to say that a part of my body became exposed. I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and correct my wardrobe malfunction, however unbeknownst to me, Bullet Bill was already inside helping Luigi Mario with a very similar wardrobe malfunction. I decided to try to help, but at that point, all three of us accidentally slipped on the wet floor and fell into the bath tub. As we were already wet, we decided to disrobe at that time.

For the next six hours we repeatedly attempted to exit the bath tub but found that the shampoo and body wash we were covered in made that exceedingly difficult, and thus at one point we became sleepy, and decided to sleep there until the morning.

I hope this clears up any question about what occurred on the night and will not be taking any further questions at this time.

[NickyDustyOwl]

King Boo Statement:

Haha! Why are you asking me such stupid questions? Contrary to what people may think about me, I had nothing to do with the events that occurred at that party last night. Besides being the cause as to why Toad's trousers fell down. Completely clueless he was!

As far as what happened to Professor Gadd, as I said I did not participate or witness anything that happened to him. As a matter of fact, he chose to avoid me the whole night! I guess he didn't like what I was doing. And as far as odd noises go, its a freakin' party people! Of course there's going to be some weird noises...and get your head out of the gutter!

Now, are we done here? Or does anyone else have any stupid questions?

[Rob Dylan]

Jungle Parkway Event Under Threat!!

It is understood that recent anti-government protests in Donkey Kong Country may pose a threat to Mario Kart's Grand Prix at the Jungle Parkway this Autumn. The Mario Kart circus usually visits the venue as the opener of its final quarter, the Special Cup. This year's Diddy Kong Racing season had to be rearranged so that the Jungle Parkway round was delayed. Other venues, mostly in the countryside and away from the general unpleasantness, had smooth events without any issue.

These protests have rocked the DKC government and international organisations have pleaded with the military junta to renege some authority to democratic elements within the country.

[Frogfoot9013]

The MKADA, in its probing into accusations of doping, has found sufficient evidence against Luigi Mario and Bowser Koopa so as to open a full inquiry into the two drivers' activities over the past few years. There is evidence of practicing of doping both by the drivers themselves and the teams they run, and the allegations are very serious. If proven true, there will be severe consequences.

[Hermann95]

Serious allegations against Bowser Koopa

The Kingdom Herold got exclusive news that internal MKADA documents show serious allegations against newly elected MKDA representative and long-standing BMW team owner Bowser Koopa, as well as Luigi Mario. Allegedly, there is evidence of not only doping themselves but also drivers that drove for them in recent history.

We tried to get an interview with Bowser, but could only get a statement from one of his lawyers. "Bowser won't commend anything at the moment, but will be 100% cooperative in the investigations." Further, he added, "that people should be careful in believing everything an organization led by a criminal, washed-up, ex driver is coming up with."*

*parts of the quote may have been added and/or altered by our authors

[Rob Dylan]

Very exciting news in the mix!

The MIA are happy to announce that, as part of its switch-up to make Phase 3 the most bonanzical in the series' history, Booridgestone have been announced as the sole tyre supplier in Mario Kart from 2003 onwards. The proud marque have been supplying classic teams like BMW since the very first Mario Kart race, and the MIA are looking forward to a fruitful partnership that will also help build parity between the best and worst teams.

The MIA has made no comment at this time regarding Bowser's conflict with the MKADA.

[Rob Dylan]

Flower Cup

Toad did the unthinkable and dominated the Cup with 30 points and a jump into the lead of the championship. The whole thing was overshadowed by a serious crash that broke Funky Kong's arm and had Mark Wiggler disqualified. The SBA replacements disappointed to say the least, and the championship turned out to be a run between Toad and the two SSLs.



After the Cup was over, the summer was packed with various news, such as that Bowser was elected as the new MKDA representative, before the MKADA accused him and Luigi of doping. The charges against Bowser were dropped and Mario Mario was announced as a 2003 BMW driver at the same time. We still await the news on Luigi, and now Goombario in these accusations.

[Rob Dylan]

Diddy Kong Racing - Spring Rounds

The opening rounds saw yet more unthinkable action, especially when Donkey Kong was finally launching a real championship challenge. Timber Tiger was disappointing in his lack of success in the top kart, while Daisy likewise disappointed with some poor pace. Goombario won the opening round and challenged for the championship throughout these races, while debutant Roy Koopa took a brilliant win at Jungle Falls. The 18-year-old will certainly be won to watch in the future.

[Rob Dylan]

SPORTS NEWS

Luigi Mario has deemed at least partly responsible for the death of Elvin Gadd, although details surrounding the death are being kept private for unknown reasons. A court has sentenced Mr Mario with seven weeks of community service. He will be forced therefore to miss the next three races of the Mario Kart season, being replaced by his wife Daisy von Sarasaland.

In other news, with the governmental collapse in Donkey Kong Country, the MIA are cancelling the DK Jungle Parkway round of this season
The race will not be replaced and we will have 15 rounds this season.

[Rob Dylan]

GOOMBARIO FOUND GUILTY OF DOPING

"HE LET ME DOWN" SAYS MARIO

The MKADA has finished their investigation, and they have deemed that actually only one person has been doping this entire time, and it has been none other than Goombario! Mario Mario himself was able to procure evidence to suggest that Goombario was cheating heavily during the 2002 season, and in exchange for this evidence, the MIA have banned Goombario from all future Marioverse races. The MKADA investigation is now officially closed and Mario Mario has stepped down from being head. The MIA and the MKADA are in his debt, and thank him heavily for his efforts.

Mario Exonerated!

The MIA have been given new evidence related to the killing of Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas in the autumn of 1995. Seven years on, new information and evidence has been presented to local law enforcement, who have decided to drop all accusations made against Mario Mario, who since 1997 has been officially called Yoshi's murderer. Neither the MIA nor the law enforcement have publicly displayed the new evidence, but it is thought that they will do so shortly.

[Rob Dylan]

Diddy Kong Racing - Summer Rounds

The summer rounds of Diddy Kong Racing were indeed the very last ones. They brought the championship incredibly close, as a four-way fight ensued between Larry Koopa, Donkey Kong, Daisy von Sarasaland, and Goombario. All were within a few points of one another before the last race of the season, round 7 at Snowball Village. With the collapse of the DKC government, this would indeed become the last race of the series. Roy Koopa suffered horrific injuries at Everfrost Peak that mean he will never drive again.

[Rob Dylan]

Star Cup

So Luigi made way for Daisy as he did his community service. It meant that Waluigi was the only driver capable in practice of taking the fight to Toad for the championship. It took a while for him to get going, and indeed Daisy stole the show by taking the Cup victory in only three races. Toad was able to scrape a few podiums, but the Star Cup has almost entirely high-power circuits, where BMW are at a disadvantage. Para Troopa was not very helpful, blocking a second place for his teammate, and after losing the lead immediately at Bowser's Castle from pole, he was promptly fired to make way for Pipsy Astromouse at the Special Cup.

Nicolas Hammerton made his debut and didn't disappoint, while Candy Kong suffered four races as his teammate. She, having won the Peachific shoot-out, will be back with Peach for the Special Cup.

[Rob Dylan]

Special Cup

All three championship runners fell on their faces. Toad retired three times in a row, Waluigi threw it away, and Luigi only turned up when it mattered. Peach and Peachific stole the show, while Toad took perhaps the most impressive drivers' championship in the whole series history when he beat all the SSLs at the death. Larry Koopa took a great podium for SBA on his Mario Kart comeback, while even Funky took a point on his own comeback.





The Comeback of the Year award goes to Peach Toadstool for her incredible season to bring Peachific to the front of the championship standings for the first time. Lots of blood sweat tears and money have gone into this project and it is paying off more each year.

The Overperformer of the Year award goes to Toad Toadstool for finally breaking his championship duck. Until now he has been plagued by inconsistency despite being probably the best driver out there. To then beat both SSL drivers in inferior machinery was incredible to see play out.

The Anonymous Driver of the Year award goes to Krunch Kremling, who will make a good Alt-Mario Kart quiz answer one day.

The Individual Drive of the Year award must surely go to both Candy Kong for her dominant display at Koopa Troopa Beach, and to Funky Kong for achieving fourth place on his comeback from a broken arm suffered at Choco Mountain.

The Underperformer of the Year award goes to Para Troopa, whose limp-wristed attempts at scraps of points led team boss Bowser to fire him before the season was even over. Honourable mentions for this award go to Waluigi, whose season was nowhere near the giddy heights of 2001, and he lost the championship entirely through his own mistakes. They also go to Dixie Kong, who again was hardly the measure of teammate Birdo, and was again not a convincing leader at Mitsuyoshi.

The Looking to Next Year award goes to Bowser Koopa Jr., who had to make do with a very dud chassis in the WWR. As the son of the 1993 Mario Kart champion, there are keen eyes on seeing him do well. Very much a growing year for the 21-year-old.

The Safe Pair of Hands award goes to Pipsy Astromouse, who kept both the Peachific and the BMW in good positions in spite of subbing both times. She'll be hoping for a full-time drive again in 2003.

The Reject of the Year award must surely therefore go to Banjo-Kazooie. Funky has made it very public that the duo are responsible for leading SBA to greatness in the coming years. However, a stupid move in Kalimari Desert completely derailed (pun intended) their entire team's hopes for the coming year. They scored no points, got DSQd for the rest of 2002, and sent SBA through the gutter. The team had to rely on late entry Larry Koopa and Funky with a broken arm to score some points.