Grand Prix Rejects

Here's perhaps the greatest song ever, Bohemian Rhapsody, written as a tribute to all Rejects ever:
"Bohemian Rhapsody"

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.

Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see,
I'm not a poor boy, I need some sympathy,
Because I'm easy come, easy go,
Little high, little low,
Anyway the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Mama, just beached my car,
Just got some oversteer,As Rejectfula as Ali Dia.
Mama, drive had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it in the wall.

Mama, ooh,
Didn't mean to make you cry,
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

Too late, my time has come,
Sent shivers down my spine,
Body's aching all the time.
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth.

Mama, ooh (anyway the wind blows),
I don't wanna cry,
I sometimes wish I'd neverhit that wall.

I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Schumacher, Schumacher, will you do the Fangio?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Very, very frightening me.
(Galileo) Galileo.
(Galileo) Galileo,
Galileo Figaro
Magnifico.

I'm not a poor boy, F1 Rejects loves me.
He's not a poor boy from a rich family,
Spare the drivers from this monstrosity.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Paul Stoddart! No, we will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Paul Stoddart! We will not let you go. (Let him go!)
Paul Stoddart! We will not let you go. (Let me go!)
Will not let you go. (Let me go!)
Never, never let you go
Never let me go, oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, mama mia, mama mia (Mama mia, let me go.)
Bernie E has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me.

So you think you can put wets on my car in the dry?
So you think you can leave the ride height too high?
Oh, Eddie, can't do this to me, Eddie ,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

(Oh, yeah, oh yeah)

Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me.

Anyway the wind blows.

Right, about time I did another one of these.

What's with these drivers spinning my cars
Why do they got to crash?
What did I ever do to these guys
That made them so incompetent?

(Hoo-hoo) But they bring some cash
(Hoo-hoo) And that cash is mine
(Hoo-hoo, and not for much more time)

Oo-wee-oo, I look just like Guido Forti
Oh-oh, and you're Tommy Walkinshaw
I don't care what they do with my cars anyway,
I don't care 'bout that

I should never fear, their cash is here,
I know it's there in the bank.
My cars are twisted heaps full of dents,
But I have enough to pay.

(Hoo-hoo) 'Cause they bring some cash
(Hoo-hoo) And that cash is mine!
(Hoo-hoo, and not for much more time)

Oo-wee-oo, I look just like Guido Forti
Oh-oh, and you're Tommy Walkinshaw
I don't care what they do with my cars anyway,
I don't care 'bout that
I don't care 'bout that

Bam, bam, car in the wall,
'Nother big bang in the engine, stall,
Oh, no, what did he do?
Don't tell me, 'd he spin out too?
They can't turn and they can't win
All they can really do is spin
Wussa matter, wussa matter, wussa matter you?
Wussa matter Taki, did you crash too?

Oh NOOO-HOOOO-WOH-OH-OH-WOOOH

Oo-wee-oo, I look just like Guido Forti
Oh-oh, and you're Tommy Walkinshaw
I don't care what they do with my cars anyway,
I don't care 'bout that
I don't care 'bout that
I don't care 'bout that

I've just had a filthy, filthy idea. Somewhere in Jeff Wayne's Excellent Musical Version Of The War Of The Worlds (said James May one day) there's a whole Formula One Rejects rock opera just waiting to come bursting out. Or, should I say, emerging slowly from its red-hot capsule. I imagine "The Eve Of The War", for instance, to be a prediction of how Haas F1 will far in their first few seasons...

Justin Hayward wrote:The chances of any points coming from Haas are a million to one, he said...
The chances of any points coming from Haas are a million to one...
...but still they come?

Maybe that could refer to a wet and chaotic race in Malaysia or Brazil - or, given the events of this year, Monaco. Meanwhile, guess who plays the role of the Martians? From the all-new version of "Horsell Common and the Heat Ray":

The Journalist wrote:After free practice 1, a crowd gathered in the pit lane, hypnotized by the unscrewing of the cylinder. Two feet of shining screw projected when, suddenly, the lid fell off! Two luminous disc-like eyes with dollar signs in them appeared above the rim. A huge, rounded bulk of white hair, larger than Sebastian Vettel's trophy cabinet, rose up slowly, glistening like a wet track at Spa...

And, to nobody's surprise, the rounded bulk of white hair slithers away, only to return in a massive metal tripod that proceeds to trample over anything in its path... followed by more of the same machines. Terrifyingly, the mass of hair must have cloned himself. He and the clones have in their sights any small and allegedly insignificant F1 team that dares to go racing with less than $200 million in the bank and two hapless pay-drivers. Everybody will pay the exorbitant entry fees for the upcoming season or face being vaporised by the machines' heat rays. From "The Artilleryman And The Fighting Machine":

The Journalist wrote:Quickly, one after the other, four of the fighting machines appeared. Monstrous tripods, higher than Lewis Hamilton's opinion of himself, striding over pit garages and smashing them. Walking engines of glistening metal. Each carried a huge funnel and I realised with horror that I'd seen this awful thing before. A fifth machine appeared on the far bank. It raised itself to full height, flourished the funnel high in the air and the ghostly terrible heat ray struck the pit lane. As it struck, all five fighting machines exulted, emitting deafening howls that roared like thunder...

The Bernie-clone Fighting Machines, in unison wrote:MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meanwhile, the journalist notes that a group of mainly Australians have gathered around some empty garages at the other end of the pit lane, where nobody goes any more. Flowers have been placed outside three of the garages, with notes in memory of Caterham, Marussia and HRT. One of them has a guitar.

Justin Hayward wrote:A gentle rain falls softly onto Club and Stowe,
As if to hide a lonely tear,
It's not the same on our forum,
'Cause you're not here...

Dare I continue?

Please do continue, it is brilliant!

My favourite album of all time. Brilliant parody. Keep it up!

A 1985 parody, focussing on Wickens for a while, then an unnamed reject. A couple anachronisms were necessary, but it's for the noble goal of referencing more reject things.

Alliot just hit the wall
He never had it all

What about today?
This stupid FIA
Rob's dreams went out the door
When he turned 24
Because of one man
What happened to his plan?
He's gonna be a champion
He's gonna be a star
He's gonna take 8 flat
But never in Newey's car
His silver Mercedes
Is now the enemy
With no move back in sight
Nothing has been all right

Since Marc Surer, Johansson, way before Alonso
There was James Hunt, and Murray, and good coverage on BBC
His two kids in high school
They tell him that he's uncool
'Cause he can't prequalify*
19, 19, 1985


He's seen all the classics
He knows every line
He'd look pretty in pink^
Or with an engine fire
He'd rock out to Brands, not a big A1-Ring fan
Thought he'd get a hand
As a tester for Minardi Team
Wears a miniskirt
Made from tyres
And who's the other guy who's driving for McLaren
When did the chequered flag become easy
What ever happened to F1 races on the radio

Surer, Johansson, way before Alonso
There was James Hunt, and Murray, and good coverage on BBC
His two kids in high school
They tell him that he's uncool
'Cause he can't prequalify*
19, 19, 1985

DRS, make it stop
When did Adelaide become a classic track
And when did Alain become an owner
Please make this stop, stop, stop
And bring back Surer, Johansson, way before Alonso
There was James Hunt, and Murray, and good coverage on BBC
His two kids in high school
They tell him that he's uncool
'Cause he can't prequalify*
1985

*I know there was no PQ in 1985
^I know there was no Simtek

Hehehe...I feel like a little Python. *Ahem!*


Why are they here? What's Life gotta do?
Will they see the grid, or DNPQ?
Well, tonight, we'll try to lay it out to you,
For, tonight, it's 'The Meaning of Life'.

Were they real, Or just a hoax?
Did the W up and doom them? Or was it the folks
Who perhaps let the L190 stay a joke.
Well, ça c'est 'The Meaning of Life'.

F1 is where sometimes they make up the rules
When they've got nothing clever to say,
Was it there or maybe just in the coils
Of the W12's DN-- nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.

Oh poor Life, shame 'bout your fate!
Could you have settled perhaps for a nice Judd V8?
Or with that poor chassis, was it all too late?
Well, perhaps, there's 'The Meaning of Life'.

For millions in cash, you can build up your team,
Still, there's chances to be in a bad way
You can blame the crew, blame the cash, blame the spiralling coils
Of the racing car's DN-- nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay.

So, just why-- why were they there,
And just did-- did-- did-- they go elsewhere?
Well, we don't have a clue, we're the last guys who care,
To suss out 'The Meaning of Life'. C'est le sens de la vie.
This is 'The Meaning of Life'.

My Andrea Moda don't, my Andrea Moda don't
My Andrea Moda don't want none, unless you got Eurobruns, hun.

I'll get my coat...

I get the idea there's one of these hidden inside that "universe" song at the end of The Meaning Of Life as well.

To the tune of Poker Face by Lady Gaga
And dedicated to the drivers that missed the Russian and US GPs this year as a result of their teams financial issues.

I wanna race em like they do in Texas please,
but it turns out racing's hard without a team, (I hate it)
The Russian GP was no fun without a car,
and without one it seems I won't be going very far.

Oh no oh oh oh oh nononononono,
Wanna race em hard, show them what I got.
Oh no oh oh oh oh nononononono,
Wanna race em hard, show them what I got.

I won't be, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be in the race,
Cause he ain't got nobody.
I won't be, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be in the race,
Cause he ain't got nobody.
I I I I I I I I'm not in the race,
I I I I I I I I'm not in the race.

I wanna race em like they do in Texas please,
but turn one at COTA is no fun without a seat, (I hate it)
people seem to think that I am slow but I'm a gun,
it's hard when GP2 is faster than my F1.

Oh no oh oh oh oh nononononono,
My team's not here, it's my greatest fear.
Oh no oh oh oh oh nononononono,
My team's not here, it's my greatest fear.

I won't be, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be in the race,
Cause he ain't got nobody.
I won't be, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be in the race,
Cause he ain't got nobody.
I I I I I I I I'm not in the race,
I I I I I I I I'm not in the race.

I will say I have a contract, that I'll be back,
but I'm bluffin, I got nothin,
I'm just lyin, cos my sponsors ain't comin.
Like a desperate F1 reject,
let me drive before they pay you out,
it's just promises, promises,
but they won't pay you novices.

I won't be, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be in the race,
Cause he ain't got nobody.
I won't be, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be in the race,
Cause he ain't got nobody.
I I I I I I I I'm not in the race,
I I I I I I I I'm not in the race.

"Battersea Parklife"

Confidence is a preference for the habitual driver of what is known as Parklife
And morning crash can be avoided if you take a route straight through what is known as Chicane
Jarno's got Trulli Train, he gets intimidated by the high speeds
They love a bit of it (parklife)
Who's that Lord Mayor driving... you should cut down on your porklife mate... get some Exercise

[Chorus]
BATTERSEA PARK
SO MANY PEOPLE
THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND
HAND IN HAND THROUGH THEIR PARKLIFE

Know what I mean
I get up when I want except on Saturdays when I get rudely awakened by the generator
(Parklife)
I put my racesuit on, have a cup of tea and I think about leaving the pits (parklife)
I brush the wall, I sometimes cut the chicane too, it gives me a sense of enormous well being (parklife)
And then I'm happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge there will always be a bit of my heart devoted to it (parklife)

[Chorus]

It's got nothing to do with your ‘Vorsprung Durch Technic,’ Dan Abt
And it's not about you joggers who go round and round and round
Parklife (parklife)

[Chorus x 2]

Sorry... I know it's horrible, but I had to

Get your motor runnin'
Head out of the pitlane
Looking for a puncture
We never got no paace

Yeah, darlin'
Gonna make it happen
Take the track in a hopeless case
Fire all of our crew at once
And explode into flames

Engine smoke and lightnin'
Heavy metal clunker
Racing in our dreams
And I'm dreaming that I run well

Yeah, darlin'
Gonna make it happen
Make the race in a hopeless case
Hire all of our crew at once
Yet explode into flames

Like a true reject's child
We were born
Born to be Life
Revs can't climb so high
I never qualify
Born to be LIIIIFE
Born to be LIIIIFE

Got our motor runnin'?
Head out of the pitlane
Looking for a puncture
It never runs so great

Yeah, darlin'
Gonna make it happen
Take the track in a hopeless case
Fire all of our crew at once
And explode into flames

Like a true Reject's child
We were born
Born to be Life
Revs can climb so high
I rather wanna die
Born to be LIIIIFE
Born to be LIIIIFE

Rabbi Gordon wrote:Like a true Reject's child
We were born
Born to be Life
Revs can climb so high
I rather wanna die
Born to be LIIIIFE
Born to be LIIIIFE

Or how about:
"And if the revs climb high... the engine will die"?