Grand Prix Rejects

F1 is in crisis and needs new teams to save it from breaking up altogether.

In a parallel universe, the world famous F1 Rejects. com forum has formed an autonomous collective boasting a billion pound fortune, and decides to make its own team, devoted to the principles on which it is founded. That being, a celebration of the farcical and the inept. It is on that flimsy, wrong-headed basis that a platform will be constructed to ensure a legacy of misery and heroic failure.

Bearing that in mind, amongst yourselves we need you to decide the following:

TEAM NAME

Engine Manufacturer

Team Principal

Head Designer

Head Mechanic

Driver 1

Driver 2

Test Driver

Car Liveries and Sponsors.

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package


Anyone and anything on earth is eligible for inclusion, though preferably those with some sort of notoriously unsuccessful history in motor racing.

Together, we will win.

TEAM NAME - Super Andrea's Pacific Life

Engine Manufacturer - Life

Team Principal - Brian Cowen (the glorious Irish leader)

Head Designer - Luigi Colani

Head Mechanic - We don't need mechanics. Who needs to repair cars? Just send them out to Eau Rouge with something broken.

Driver 1 - HWNSNBM (obviously)

Driver 2 - Shinji Nakano (I'm rather biased I suppose)

Test Driver - Chanoch Nissany

Car Liveries and Sponsors - Something along the lines of the design of the website (shite attempt http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/3215/f1rejectscar.gif), sponsored by Alan Shoe Trader and a host of Hungarian and Japanese companies.

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package - Colani would insist on a periscope, so that, maybe 4 wheel drive? 6 wheels? A 1984 BMW turbo that singularly stopped Piquet from winning the championship? General curvature would be the key though.

Well we need someone to set up our cars, and if we're going to 'win' we need a mechanic or two at least to fix the cars at some point! Just barely graduated mechanics perhaps?

Because we already know from previous experience that Life cannot supply us enough engines, maybe make another contract with Subaru or Isuzu as well?

Enrique Scalabroni could join the fold as well, maybe we could be the first team with 3-wheeled cars?

And maybe not Nakano, he's a bit old these days. What about Yuji Ide?

Oh and shinji, I see that you most likely got the base for that car of yours from the GPM2World forums?

Head mechanic should be whoever decided to send out Alonso out without his wheel on properly.

In terms of drivers, there should be one damn dangerous driver (Ide, de Cesaris, Nissany, ben Sulayem, or Hartley even), and one damn slow driver (Deletraz, Lavaggi etc.)

Also, does anyone know who this guy is?



He is always hanging around with the Massa family in the Ferrari garage. I don't think he's a mechanic, but he is always shown on the live coverage. What does he actually do? (Sorry that I couldn't get a better picture, I hope someone knows what I'm talking about).

TEAM NAME - The Team that says Ni! also known as Team Ni

Engine Manufacturer - Yamaha

Team Principal - Malcolm Bricklin

Head Designer - The guy who designed the Chevrolet Corvair

Head Mechanic - Red Green (http://www.redgreen.com/)

Driver 1 - Jeremy Clarkson

Driver 2 - Richard Hammond (lets see them design a chassis to suit both of them!)

Test Driver - James May (and nobody will listen to him)

Car Liveries and Sponsors - Purple with red and yellow flames, sponsered by Zamboni (http://zamboni.com/welcome.html for those of you who live in warmer climes) - the Zamboni Ni team

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package - I'm sure the Zamboni company can come up with something

watka wrote:

He is always hanging around with the Massa family in the Ferrari garage. I don't think he's a mechanic, but he is always shown on the live coverage. What does he actually do? (Sorry that I couldn't get a better picture, I hope someone knows what I'm talking about).

Oh yes.. He is someone from the Ferrari staff, I don't know exactly his role but I have been seeing him from 5-6 years, at least.

By the way, this may seem super-lame, but I don't recognize the driver in that picture! It just seems a 2000s Ferrari staff (there's clearly a Vodafone logo on the arm of the rightmost guy) hugging a 1991 Benetton driver ?!? Excuse me, it's 3:40 AM here!!

dresda wrote:Head Mechanic - Red Green (http://www.redgreen.com/)

Driver 1 - Jeremy Clarkson

Driver 2 - Richard Hammond (lets see them design a chassis to suit both of them!)

Test Driver - James May (and nobody will listen to him)

Car Liveries and Sponsors - Purple with red and yellow flames, sponsered by Zamboni (http://zamboni.com/welcome.html for those of you who live in warmer climes) - the Zamboni Ni team

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package - I'm sure the Zamboni company can come up with something

Red Green would be the perfect mechanic for the team. Given Hammond's massive accident in the jetcar and May's persona as Captain Slow, they might be the better options.

Hopefully Zamboni will also give us the wonderful unreliability of their 1985 models, my employer had one and for a two months we were cutting two ice pads with a '96 Olympia 2000. If the lid on the dump tank is taken off, we have a view-obstructing (Eiffelland) mid-wing ('95 McLaren MP4/10) which doesn't produce enough downforce but too much drag (Lola T97/30) while being 3332 kilos over the minimum weight. Not sure what the FIA would make of running ice tyres on dry tarmac though...

It's always best to be prepared for any eventuality. Just because it's never snowed in Bahrain doesn't mean it won't. And when it does, being the only team with the Ice option will guarantee victory. Just imagine all those useless trundlers on slicks sliding off into the desert while we snow plough our way to glory.

I also like the Eiffelland/midwing idea. Seeing as our drivers will have limited ability, it seems wise to obscure all their vision. By my logic this reduces their chance of making a mistake, as they have to rely on luck rather than sound judgement, of which we know they have none.

The other option is a splice between that and the Tyrell X-Wing. By my reckoning this should make the front of the car look like a futuristic version of Jenga. There's no doubt in my mind this would be a sound aerodynamic package.

Jack O Malley wrote:

watka wrote:

He is always hanging around with the Massa family in the Ferrari garage. I don't think he's a mechanic, but he is always shown on the live coverage. What does he actually do? (Sorry that I couldn't get a better picture, I hope someone knows what I'm talking about).

Oh yes.. He is someone from the Ferrari staff, I don't know exactly his role but I have been seeing him from 5-6 years, at least.

By the way, this may seem super-lame, but I don't recognize the driver in that picture! It just seems a 2000s Ferrari staff (there's clearly a Vodafone logo on the arm of the rightmost guy) hugging a 1991 Benetton driver ?!? Excuse me, it's 3:40 AM here!!

I'm pretty sure the Ferrari driver is Felipe at the Brazilian GP a couple of years ago.

Yep, Massa had driving suit in Brazilian colours in 2006 Brazilian GP.

Okay- my driver options.

We need the cash. Obvious we have our billion pounds fortune but we'll probably spend that on a party and a promotional brochure featuring a nude female saxophonist. As well as a small fortune, it's also important that the driver has the ability to park the car safely- either into the garage, the gravel trap or the tyre wall, regardless of how many cars he hits in the process. These genius aerodynamic components are expensive and it's crucial we can sweep all the bits up into one bucket and piece them together again with duck-tape.

Obviously for this Number 2 Pay Driver position Jean-Denis Deletraz and Geovanni Lavaggi spring immediately to mind. But what about a more forgotten reject like Enrico Bertaggia? He got mired in pre-qualifying but if he'd managed to make the grid, I'm sure he would've done a fine job.

And then you have the prestige driver. We need to go out of our way to find a behemoth of a talent that the whole team can rally around in a crisis. They must have the ability to wrench every last tenth of pace out of the bucket of slop we will inevitably provide them with. In this category I suggest Luca Badoer or seen as Badoer is about to escape into the clutches of mediocrity, Piercarlo Ghinzani for that position. Surely only he has the bad luck to return to yet another team incapable of delivering the goods.

It's one to think on.

Nuppiz wrote:Oh and shinji, I see that you most likely got the base for that car of yours from the GPM2World forums?

Well noticed! I'm currently enjoying your 1995 mod. Though eventually after a few seasons the game does get slightly repetitive.

shinji wrote:Well noticed! I'm currently enjoying your 1995 mod. Though eventually after a few seasons the game does get slightly repetitive.

Yep, after you've gotten the basic things laid out it's pretty much just setting up & repairing your cars for each race plus the occasional tests and spying on other teams. That was one of the biggest reasons why I started to mod the game.

jackanderton wrote:Obvious we have our billion pounds fortune but we'll probably spend that on a party and a promotional brochure featuring a nude female saxophonist.

You know, regardless of whatever other ideas creep by, you just got nominated to Marketing Director.

Bleu wrote:Yep, Massa had driving suit in Brazilian colours in 2006 Brazilian GP.

Aaaahhhh that's true!! I forgot about it and now couldn't figure out why they were with a driver wearing a green suit. Thanks

jackanderton wrote:...seen as Badoer is about to escape into the clutches of mediocrity, Piercarlo Ghinzani for that position. Surely only he has the bad luck to return to yet another team incapable of delivering the goods.

I like the idea, but doesn't Piercarlo have a lifetime contract with Osella?

TEAM NAME - Team Andrea Montiverdi BMS Scuderia Croydon Team... Team

Engine Manufacturer - Motori Moderni (Motori Moderni 1235 flat-12)

Team Principal - Gunter Schmid

Head Designer - Sergio Rinland

Head Mechanic - Jeremy "Hammers solve everything" Clarkson

Driver 1 - Ricardo Rosset

Driver 2 - Yuji Ide (to be replaced before the season by his mum.)

Test Driver - Pedro Chaves

Car Liveries and Sponsors - At first will look like a 1996 Benneton covered in millions of logos. By the second race will be unpainted to save what little money is left after all the sponsors fled for their lives after the team's embarassing exit from first practice on friday, in which both drivers manged to wreck both cars and any spares between them.

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package - 4 wheels mostly pointing in the same direction, but not the same size. Any parts nicked from other cars or museum pieces, and fuel tank situated in the nose of the car to aid front end stability/get the car noticed by cameras from the inevitable feiry crash into the barriers. Dustpan and brush located under driver's seat.

dragonsteincole wrote:Head Mechanic - Jeremy "Hammers solve everything" Clarkson

Excellent choice. Make sure he has an ample supply of hammers - perhaps we could convince a hammer company to sponsor us, even?

BlindCaveSalamander wrote:

dragonsteincole wrote:Head Mechanic - Jeremy "Hammers solve everything" Clarkson

Excellent choice. Make sure he has an ample supply of hammers - perhaps we could convince a hammer company to sponsor us, even?

... or any alcohol manufacturer...

Get Hammered With Jack Daniels and Formula One Rejects!

As topic starter I am allowed one veto, and that veto covers anything involving Top Gear, particularly when relating to that ^ presenter. I should've had the foresight to mention that at the beginning!

I'd rather have James Allen fixing our cars from inside the casing of a novelty foam spanner. That's how much I don't want ^^^ him.

I'm sure you'll understand!

and fuel tank situated in the nose of the car to aid front end stability/get the car noticed by cameras from the inevitable feiry crash into the barriers. Dustpan and brush located under driver's seat.

This however is a superb suggestion.

I'm not sure how we'll get it past the FIA safety-wise though! We could be sending some of our drivers to a fiery grave.

jackanderton wrote:

and fuel tank situated in the nose of the car to aid front end stability/get the car noticed by cameras from the inevitable feiry crash into the barriers. Dustpan and brush located under driver's seat.

This however is a superb suggestion.

I'm not sure how we'll get it past the FIA safety-wise though! We could be sending some of our drivers to a fiery grave.

No problem. They'd never be going quick enough to crash-and-burn anyway.

BlindCaveSalamander wrote:

dragonsteincole wrote:Head Mechanic - Jeremy "Hammers solve everything" Clarkson

Excellent choice. Make sure he has an ample supply of hammers - perhaps we could convince a hammer company to sponsor us, even?

Yeah! I'd love to see the orange Beta Tools livery back!

http://www.beta-tools.com/beta/motorspo ... ry_en.html

muttley wrote:Yeah! I'd love to see the orange Beta Tools livery back!

You took the words right out of my mouth. Beta were a memorable sponsor esp in the 70s with Surtees and March and in the 90s with Minardi, esp in 1993 (also Minardis most successful season if it had modern points scoring).

Anyway for me... I want to have a team made up of reject (or reject worthy) elements so the overall effect is the team might be quite good.

TEAM NAME - Super Minardi

Engine Manufacturer - [Ford] Cosworth V8 (as the Cosworth powered most of the reject teams... plus they are coming back next year).

Team Principal - Paul Stoddart (definately the most interesting team principle there has been in recent times)

Head Designer - Gustav Brunner (did some great things with the Minardi chassis)

Head Mechanic - Stuart Cowie (head mecahnic of Arrows before they imploded)

Driver 1 - Anothny Davidson (probably the most recent reject who is quite talented...)

Driver 2 - Zsolt Baumgartner (As if there could be anyone else)

Test Driver - Ralf Schumacher (as his experience would help the team a little bit and the promise of an F1 drive would mean he would do it for nothing)

Car Liveries and Sponsors. - Black with bright neon colours. Sponsors to include Beta Tools, Roces, Antera, Samantha Kingz and Yellow Hat.

Technical inovation - Having a front wing that McLaren copy.

TEAM NAME - Substandard Engineering Race Team.

Engine Manufacturer - Rocchi & Chiti Racing Engines (presuming either is still alive). With their new Radial-12 engine.
Team Principal - It's gotta be.... Andrea Sassetti!

Head Designer - I'd go with Richard Divila, but he's actually penned some decent cars, so I'm going to go with Sergio Rinland, since he never designed anything that did better than the Fondmetals. And he's the only other mid/back of grid designer I can think of.
Although Broadley's another candidate, since he's had experience of working without a wind tunnell.

Head Mechanic - Chiti could double up

Driver 1 - Has to be that certain Hungarian who we can't name.

Driver 2 - Since Deletraz is unrealistically old, I'll say Ide.

Test Driver - Nakano

Car Liveries and Sponsors - Plain white because no-one will touch the thing.

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package.
Okay, since there's effectively a big circle of 12 cylinders in the back of it, I'm envisioning that they'll effectively try to make an arrow-shape with wings to try and reduce the drag from needing to have a very wide bit somewhere in the middle of it. As a result, the engine will be right at the back, so in order to balance the weight distribution the front nosecone will be constructed from lead.

TEAM NAME - Scuderia BMS Equipe F1 Rejects Team

Engine Manufacturer - Life Racing Engines, with the Life W12

Team Principal - Andrea Sassetti

Head Designer - A monkey

Head Mechanic - Andrea Sassetti

Driver 1 - He Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned

Driver 2 - R2-D2 (How about the first ROBOT in Formula 1!!!)

Test Driver - Chanoch Nissany

Car Liveries and Sponsors - The Livery would be reminiscent of the fantastically hideous Ameriquest Soaring Dreams cars fielded by Roush Fenway in the NASCAR Busch (now Nationwide) series a few years ago.

Cynon wrote:Driver 2 - R2-D2 (How about the first ROBOT in Formula 1!!!)

Of course, R2 would have the massive advantage of being able to repair his car mid-race.

BlindCaveSalamander wrote:

Cynon wrote:Driver 2 - R2-D2 (How about the first ROBOT in Formula 1!!!)

Of course, R2 would have the massive advantage of being able to repair his car mid-race.

I thought the '92 Williams was already the first robot in F1; Mansell and Patrese merely being ballast.

TEAM NAME: Whats goin' on, eh? F1 Team
Engine Manufacturer: Life
Team Principal: Enzo Coloni
Head Designer: Gustav Brunner
Head Mechanic: Captain Pugwash
Driver 1: Jean-Denis Deletraz (who else could It have really been?)
Driver 2: Yuji Ide (In this scenario, Ide is purely there as a rolling roadblock and to disable other cars, so Deletraz doesnt have to worry about being lapped)
Test Drivers: Marco Apicella (replacement for Deletraz, so he can be protected from JJ Letho making an F1 comeback)
Olivier Grouillard (replacement for Ide)
Car Liveries and Sponsors: Viagra, Spar, Mastercard so It'd basically be a White, Blue, Green, Red, Orange conglomerate of a nightmare.
Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package: Triple-decker X-Wings, Mid-Wing spanning the width of the car over the cockpit, Wheel-Wings (just above tyres). Basically wings wings wings! So maybe EuroBrun will breeze past us at Monza...but we'll kick the crap outta them at Monaco!!!

TEAM NAME: Big Pack of Fags F1 Team
Engine Manufacturer: Peugeot (the 1994 model)
Team Principal: Craig Pollock / Eddie Jordan / Colin Kolles (upon request by CarlosFerreira)
Head Designer: Gordon Murray
Head Mechanic: Nigel Stepney
Resident Dentist: Colin Kolles
Driver 1: Martin Brundle
Driver 2: Jos Verstappen, unless Craig starts bitching and lures Jacques Villeneuve back to F1
Car Liveries and Sponsors: Anything tobacco-related: Marlboro, Lucky Strike, Samson, Benson & Hedges, John Player's Special, Dunhill etc.
Just like the original BAR livery with the two halves, only this time the car surface will be divided in 32 equally big lots to be allocated to the sponsors. The anti-tobacco regulations in many countries will force Eddie Jordan to find new amusing replacements. To compensate for the loss of publicity, the sponsors will ask for the engine to blow up in clouds of menthol-scented smoke, preferably right at the start of the race, where maximum exposure is guaranteed.

muttley wrote:TEAM NAME: Big Pack of Fags F1 Team
Engine Manufacturer: Peugeot (the 1994 model)
Team Principal: Craig Pollock / Eddie Jordan
Head Designer: Gordon Murray
Head Mechanic: Nigel Stepney
Driver 1: Martin Brundle
Driver 2: Jos Verstappen, unless Craig starts bitching and lures Jacques Villeneuve back to F1
Car Liveries and Sponsors: Anything tobacco-related: Marlboro, Lucky Strike, Samson, Benson & Hedges, John Player's Special, Dunhill etc.
Just like the original BAR livery with the two halves, only this time the car surface will be divided in 32 equally big lots to be allocated to the sponsors. The anti-tobacco regulations in many countries will force Eddie Jordan to find new amusing replacements. To compensate for the loss of publicity, the sponsors will ask for the engine to blow up in clouds of menthol-scented smoke, preferably right at the start of the race, where maximum exposure is guaranteed.

Can we please have Craig Pollock AND Eddie Jordan AND Colin Kolles as team principals AT THE SAME TIME. Forget about the race, people would pay tickets to see the trouble inside the pits.

I think Alex Shnaider should get involved with the team.

Bleu wrote:I think Alex Shnaider should get involved with the team.

Yeah, we'll take him as well.

TEAM NAME: Super F1 Rejects Racing

Engine Manufacturer: Life

Team Principal: Andrea Sasseti

Head Designer: Whoever designed that.

Head Mechanic: The local auto repairman.

Driver 1: Yuji Ide

Driver 2: Hans Heyer

Test Driver: N/A didn't have enough money, our reserve driver is HWNSNBM

Car Liveries and Sponsors: Originally sponsored by Mastercard, Alan Shoe Trader, and 555 tobacco. MasterCard pulls out after 2 races and is replaced by an unnamed Belgian millionaire who owns Moneytron.

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package: The aforementioned Dumbo ears, Eifelland periscope, possible 6-wheels or fan.

tristan1117 wrote:TEAM NAME: Super F1 Rejects Racing

Engine Manufacturer: Life

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package: The aforementioned Dumbo ears, Eifelland periscope, possible 6-wheels or fan.

Why not just double up the fan's purpose and use it for propulsion as well? Seems rejectworthy to me.

Seeming someone suggested Jeremy Clarkson as the head mechanic, I decided on a TopGear themed team
TEAM NAME: TopGear F1 Racing Team

Engine Manufacturer: Renault

Team Principal:Andy Wilman (the producer of Top Gear)

Head Designer: James May, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond

Head Mechanic/s: The guy who hands out the challenges and Jeremy "How hard can it be?" Clarkson

Driver 1: James "Captain Slow" May

Driver 2: Richard "I have not had my teeth whitened" Hammond

Test Driver: Perry McCarthy (the black Stig)

Car Liveries and Sponsors. Larsens Biscuits and Penistone Oils (The sponsors from the Britcar 24hr BMW). Colgate made a sponsorship offer for Hammond, but as quoted by Clarkson "Due to the unique way the BBC is run..." . Paint scheme is blue with a red and white rear wing

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package: An evolution from the "How to make an Avantime faster than an Evo 8 challenge" Avantime and taking ideas from the Espace F1 concept of 1994, the Top Gear Technology Center has fitted a Renault F1 engine to the Avantime. Aero package is from a 2006 Super Aguri wing Hammond purchased from a charity auction. A statement from the team has said they dont expect to be on the pace and that Renault is suppling them engines only so they can block the competion/ create a safety car period when Alonso has just completed his first pitstop when the others havent yet pitted

Continuing the idea of themed racing teams:

Team Name: NASCAR (National Automotive Sports Collaboration of American Rejects)
Engine Manufacturer: Chev-re-lay
Team Principal: AJ Foyt
Head Designer: AJ Foyt (AJ don't need no designers. He don't need no computers. And he don't need no foreigners telling him what to do)
Head Mechanic: AJ Foyt (All AJ needs is one Craftsman wrench)
Driver 1: Michael Andretti
Driver 2: Scott Speed
Test Driver: Marco Andretti

Car Liveries and Sponsors: Obnoxious stars and stripes scheme with sponsorship coming from GM, Sears, Kmart, Bear Sterns, and Wachovia. I suppose MasterCard can come aboard too for nostalgia sake.

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package: Live rear axle for mechanical grip. Gigantic hood ornament for downforce. A square key to open the front shock cover and a separate, round key to open the rear engine cowling (for faster pit stops). Drum brakes for weight reduction. And cupholders, lots and lots of cupholders (to position multiple Slurpees as ballast).

AllAmericanRacer, what about AJ Foyt IV as a driver?


Or what about Piquet team. Nelson sr is team boss and also a driver. Nelsinho drives the second car.

Bleu wrote:AllAmericanRacer, what about AJ Foyt IV as a driver?


Or what about Piquet team. Nelson sr is team boss and also a driver. Nelsinho drives the second car.

Excellent idea! An all-Brazilian team to revive the glory of Copersucar-Fittipaldi!

AllAmericanReject wrote:Continuing the idea of themed racing teams:

Team Name: NASCAR (National Automotive Sports Collaboration of American Rejects)
Engine Manufacturer: Chev-re-lay
Team Principal: AJ Foyt
Head Designer: AJ Foyt (AJ don't need no designers. He don't need no computers. And he don't need no foreigners telling him what to do)
Head Mechanic: AJ Foyt (All AJ needs is one Craftsman wrench)
Driver 1: Michael Andretti
Driver 2: Scott Speed
Test Driver: Marco Andretti

Car Liveries and Sponsors: Obnoxious stars and stripes scheme with sponsorship coming from GM, Sears, Kmart, Bear Sterns, and Wachovia. I suppose MasterCard can come aboard too for nostalgia sake.

Fantastic Chassis ideas to perfect the winning aerodynamic package: Live rear axle for mechanical grip. Gigantic hood ornament for downforce. A square key to open the front shock cover and a separate, round key to open the rear engine cowling (for faster pit stops). Drum brakes for weight reduction. And cupholders, lots and lots of cupholders (to position multiple Slurpees as ballast).

The guys at F1 Rejects don't do profiles based on Indy 500 results, so having AJ in the team isn't in line with rejectdom.

Besides, he's still the only guy to win Indianapolis 500, Le Mans, and the Daytona 500.