F1RMGP 2014: may the Fourth Season be with us!

[dinizintheoven]

And so begins... the fourth season of Formula One Rejects Microprose Grand Prix – although the first to be backed up by an extensive pile of information on the F1 Rejects Wiki.

The race for the Carel Godin de Beaufort Cup for the drivers and the Willi Kauhsen Cup for the constructors starts here, so let's meet the teams. Marktin Brundell has been busy watching the teams testing virtual versions of their new machines on Sir Bernard Shekelslike's Official F1RMGP Simulator, though legend has it this is just an old Pole Position arcade cabinet with a Playstation 2 glued inside.


The F1 Rejects Microprose Grand Prix Series, 2014 season: the teams and drivers (part one)

GARAGE #1: VIKING RACING




DRIVER: JAN MAGNUSSEN (Denmark)
DRIVER: ÞORVALDUR EINARSSON (Iceland)

CHASSIS: MJØLNER-03
ENGINE: Koenigsegg 2.4l V8, twin supercharged
HOME COUNTRY: Norway
TEAM PRINCIPALS: Odin, Stefan Johansson, Ragnar The Forkbearded

Two years in the series, two Constructors' Championships, but so far neither driver has managed to snare the coveted Drivers' Championship. It's not for the lack of trying, and it's not for the lack of talent; Jan Magnussen still says he has a point to prove, and is more determined than ever to fight off the challenges that come his way. This time he faces a very testing season in the face of stiff competition from F1RM and current Drivers' Champion Chris Dagnall, as well as a tsunami of power sweeping in from Japan... and don't write off the threat from within, either; Þorvaldur Einarsson has been getting better and better over the last couple of years, proving that a youth playing Sega Rally Championship was hardly mis-spent and testing snowmobiles to destruction is a fine preparation for a career in motorsport. Incidentally, Viking are the only team on the entire grid to be completely unchanged from last year – same drivers, same engine, same sponsors. Expect that ultimate consistency to see them through on the track.

VERDICT: Constructors' Champions again, but no guarantee it'll be Magnussen's year.



GARAGE #2: FORMULA ONE REJECTS MOTORSPORT




DRIVER: CHRIS DAGNALL (United Kingdom)
DRIVER: JEAN-DENIS DÉLÉTRAZ (Switzerland)

CHASSIS: F1R-14
ENGINE: PURE 1.6l inline-4, turbocharged
HOME COUNTRY: Australia
TEAM PRINCIPALS: Jamie McGregor, Enoch Law, His Holiness HWNSNBM

So far, in the three F1RMGP seasons, it has always been a driver from Jamie and Enoch's in-house team who has taken the Drivers' Championship, and the team also has one Constructors' title to its name. This year, though, despite the continuity of the drivers, especially the massively in-form Chris Dagnall, still on a high after his championship win in 2013 – there is one unknown quantity. The withdrawal of the Life works team has deprived The Firm of their supply of customer engines, which only they knew how to get the best use out of, and in place of the 23-year-old and quite enormous W12 comes a bang-up-to-date turbocharged unit with a third of the cylinders but more technological clout than NASA's manned mission to Titan. Thing is... who knows if Craig Cod and his PURE corporation will deliver the goods, or will they be the bag of hot air that the 1999 BAR 001 was? Place your bets now.

VERDICT: If the engine works, Daggers will be Champion again. If the engine works...



GARAGE #3: FORTI CORSE... DO BRASIL!




DRIVER: LUCA BADOER (Italy)
DRIVER: ANDREA MONTERMINI (Italy)

CHASSIS: FG07
ENGINE: Ford do Brasil 2.3l inline-4, turbocharged
HOME COUNTRY: Brazil
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Pedro Diniz

The Brazilian squad... from Brazil! are looking to continue building on their rise towards the top of the ranks. From no-hopers in 2011 to twice-winners in 2013 with four more podiums on top of that, the next step should be a challenge for regular race wins, and a shot at both championships. With continuity on their side on the driver and engine front, the only worry will be the withdrawal of Copersucar after one of the catering staff, who has since been dismissed, was found using artificial sweetener in Pedro Diniz' coffee. Copersucar brought a large amount of money to the team, but the other sponsors have pledged to increase their contribution, and Forti will be striving to be the best of the turbos despite this setback – now that they have a rival squad using a turbo inline-four to compare with. Forti have the capacity, F1RM have the modern technology, but who's it to be?

VERDICT: If the PURE engine fails, Forti will thrash F1RM. If the engine fails...



GARAGE #4: SUPER AGURI FORMULA ONE




DRIVER: SHINJI NAKANO (Japan)
DRIVER: YUJI IDE (Japan)

CHASSIS: SA14
ENGINE: Mugen Honda 3.0l V10, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: Japan
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Aguri Suzuki

Super Aguri no longer have it all their own way. Up to now the only Japanese team in F1RMGP, they now have two rivals for national honour, and that one of those new teams – Dome – has been taking cheeky swipes at them might well be the mosquito in the yake soba. It's not entirely unjustified, as the ongoing scandal known as "Meat-Pie-Gate" in 2013 threatened to detract from the on-track action and exposed Aguri Suzuki as a bit of a whinger. Dome snatching Marco Apicella from under Aggers' nose only infuriated the tetchy principal further, and in order to secure the best possible driver to replace the Italian, all of Japan was scored for a replacement, culminating in the shoot-out which saw Shinji Nakano make his F1RMGP debut, dining at the top table before a wheel has turned. The addition of two extra cylinders to the engine and some hefty tweaks by Mugen certainly won't dent their chances.

VERDICT: A crack at the championship beckons...



GARAGE #5: GINSTERS TEAM TOLEMAN




DRIVER: RALPH FIRMAN (United Ki... er... we mean... Republic of Ireland)
DRIVER: ALLAN MCNISH (United Kingdom, but nae more if the SNP get their way, laddie)

CHASSIS: TG214
ENGINE: Renault 2.4l V8, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: United Kingdom
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Ted Toleman

It seems Toleman may forever be known as the team who set two great champions on their path to the top – Ayrton Senna in F1 and Chris Dagnall in F1RMGP – without ever threatening to make the top grade themselves. The 2012 season, with four wins for Daggers, more than anyone else that year, and one for Rrrrrmmmnn Grrrrjjjjnnn, was something of a fluke, more down to the quality of the drivers than the car, and Daggers' inconsistency cost him a shot at the title. The replacements for those two, Ralph Firman and Allan McNish, had a bit more consistency but were somewhat lacking in speed. Maybe this year they'll find a bit more in themselves to move up the grid, and the thought of a huge Ginsters logo swarming in the mirrors of the Super Aguri drivers – a not-so-subtle reference to Meat-Pie-Gate – might be enough to see them motivated in the right direction.

VERDICT: Could go either way, depending on how the drivers rise to the challenge.

[dinizintheoven]

The F1 Rejects Microprose Grand Prix Series, 2014 season: the teams and drivers (part two)

GARAGE #6: SCUDERIA ANDREA COLONI




DRIVER: PEDRO CHAVES (Portugal)
DRIVER: PERRY McCARTHY (United Kingdom)

CHASSIS: SAC8
ENGINE: Judd 3.5l V10, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: Italy
TEAM PRINCIPALS: Andrea Sassetti, Enzo Coloni

Oh dear. The great number reshuffle of the 2013/14 Silly Season has landed SAC with the bogey numbers. If you're superstitious, you'd say that Forti's miserable 2011 season, FTM's crash down the rankings in 2012 after taking over Pacific and Simtek's lowest season placing in 2013 were all linked to having 11 and 12 on the car. This team will steadfastly refuse to believe that, though; after all, against all the odds, the SAC7 was a race winner in Pedro Chaves' hands at Monaco, but he also racked up four DNQs; everyone will be hoping there's no repeat of that. The Judd engine is ageing a bit, but should still produce plenty of grunt so that maybe, just maybe, Pedro could score another victory, or maybe Perry McCarthy will finally get his tune? And, best of all, with their new sponsorship from Giorgio Armani, they'll have some sharp suits to go with their designer shoes.

VERDICT: Dark horses – who knows if they'll be winning again, but they shouldn't be up and down like Bill Clinton's trousers again.



GARAGE #7: AUTOMOBILES GONFARONNAISES SPORTIVES




DRIVER: GABRIELE TARQUINI (Italy)
DRIVER: PIERRE-HENRI RAPHANEL (France)

CHASSIS: JH31
ENGINE: MGN 3.5l arrow-W12, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: France
TEAM PRINCIPAL: A picture of Henri Julien, and someone who speaks French pretending to be him, possibly more than one person, under the name "Team Julien"...

2014 sees the Great Diesel Invasion, which AGS became an unwilling participant in when Audi marched into ATS Rial's offices and demanded an all-German driver line-up. Thus the generously-chinned Joachim Winkelhock found himself frogmarched into Günther Schmidt's squad, with Pierre-Henri Raphanel moving back "home" to France. You'd have to say, he got the better end of the deal, getting hold of a car that hasn't quite won yet but has been threatening to occasionally. Gabriele Tarquini remains the captain of the ship on the track, and in a bizarre number-swap deal with Super Aguri who wanted the 7 and 8 that were going to be AGS's for this season, Gab has poached his old number from that one-off F1 race with Tyrrell. And in a clever bit of marketing, given Raphanel's former ties to defunct French TV channel La Cinq (who "posthumously" sponsored SAC), the Frenchman's arrival has brought France 3 and France 4 on board; has the number on a car ever been used for sponsorship purposes before? It has now. By the way, that bee-stripe paint job should certainly be visible from a mile away, even if it's foggy at Spa...

VERDICT: There or there abouts; Tarquini should be strong, Raphanel may take time to shake off the rust from three seasons at the back of the grid.



GARAGE #8: EUROBRUN RACING




DRIVER: CLAUDIO LANGES (Italy)
DRIVER: ENRICO BERTAGGIA (Italy)

CHASSIS: ER214
ENGINE: Neotech 3.5l V12, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: Switzerland
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Walter Brun

The gamble paid off. Walter Brun's faith in the damn-near-unknown Neotech engine was rewarded as his team shot up the grid like a cheetah with a chilli up its arse. There was the odd stumble to a DNQ here and there, but having never even remotely looked like getting near the points in their first two seasons, suddenly the Austrian powerplant took them to 50 points in 2013 and the sight of Claudio Langes screaming with joy as he finished fourth in Hungary. Who'd have seen that coming? They've been rewarded with some new sponsorship from Victorinox, as if to offset the all-red-and-white-and-very-Austrian paint job in deference to their engine supplier, but the potential flaw in that plan is that their main asset now has to be shared; the Neotech was the most successful of the three new V12 engines in 2013, scoring almost as many points as the Isuzu and HKS (at Simtek and Monteverdi respectively) could do between them. Now, as the new Spyker team have arrived, they came sniffing for a decent engine, and division of resources is never a real step forward...

VERDICT: It's time to see if 2013 was a fluke or if EuroBrun are permanent strong contenders in the midfield scrap.



GARAGE #9: MONTEVERDI ONYX GRAND PRIX




DRIVER: OLIVIER GROUILLARD (France)
DRIVER: FABRIZIO BARBAZZA (Italy)

CHASSIS: ORE-6
ENGINE: HKS 3.5l V12, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: Switzerland
TEAM PRINCIPALS: Bertrand Gachot, Jean-Pierre Van Rossem, a gold-framed and diamond-studded photograph of Peter Monteverdi

Blink and you'd have missed it; these two were team-mates for one race in 1991, at AGS as the original F1 team was in its death throes. And, in much the same way as their first meeting, Grouillard and Barbazza now join forces at Monteverdi due to the Brylcreemed mobile chicane being ousted from his previous drive at Prost, where four into two at the combined SPAM team wouldn't go. The garish blue and pink of the Onyxes of yesteryear is now an equally garish purple and pink, a combination of sponsorship from a very purple brand of Swiss chocolate, and Jean-Pierre Van Rossem getting his fingers well and truly back into the team's pie. What Moneytron is doing now, six years into the worst financial meltdown since a bank vault in New York was attacked with demon-strength napalm, is anyone's guess... is there actually any real money going into the team? All they're relying on this year is the power of their HKS engine, which will hopefully see them through. Barbazza, after all, was one of the few drivers not to suffer the dreaded DNQ in 2013, and will want to keep that up.

VERDICT: Defiant, but headed downhill.



GARAGE #10: SIMTEK RESEARCH FORMULA ONE




DRIVER: PAUL BELMONDO (France)
DRIVER: MARKO ASMER (Estonia)

CHASSIS: S141
ENGINE: Isuzu 3.5l V12, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: United Kingdom
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Nick Wirth

Watching Simtek last season, as Taki Inoue limped from DNQ to DNQ and Paul Belmondo had his fair share of failures, it's hard to believe that this is the same team that saw Slim Borgudd stand on the top step of the podium in 2011. So poor was their performance, that they dropped to twelfth in the final rankings. Belmondo did enough to stay on, vowing to drag the team back up to where they were three seasons ago and rescue his own reputation in the process, and joining him in place of the sacked Inoue is F1RMGP's first driver from the Baltic States, Estonian GP2 reject Marko Asmer, whose national flag is not a million miles away from the colours of the Coloni C4 (and now SAC). Talking of paint jobs, with the design of the Virgin VR-01 swirling around the Silly Season so that everyone's more or less copied it, Nick Wirth decided he'd wheel out the 2010 Virgin livery and paint it dark blue as a way of unifying his two F1 reject teams. As if the new sponsors last year weren't a clue. Performance should be a lot better than the VR-01 ever was, though, if the rumours that Isuzu have really turned the wick up on their engine are to be believed; the conservative approach they took last season absolutely did not pay off and this year, they say, they will make amends.

VERDICT: It's hard to see them winning again, but if they don't move forwards, Isuzu may be the first of the 2013 Japanese entrants to commit seppuku.

[dinizintheoven]

The F1 Rejects Microprose Grand Prix Series, 2014 season: the teams and drivers (part three)

GARAGE #11: ATS RIAL RACING




DRIVER: JOACHIM WINKELHOCK (Germany)
DRIVER: VOLKER WEIDLER (Germany)

CHASSIS: ARC-5
ENGINE: Audi 3.7l V6 diesel, turbocharged
HOME COUNTRY: Germany
TEAM PRINCIPAL: a hologrammatic Günther Schmidt

In two seasons, this team led – if that's the right word – by the reincarnated but still highly irascible Günther Schmidt, has qualified for only ten out of a possible 64 starts; only Viking and Forti have a perfect record over the last two seasons and none can claim that over all three. Charged with turning round that record are the bigwigs at Audi, who have injected the team with a vast wad of cash, mainly because ATS Rial was their only choice of team to take on Peugeot at their own game in the Great Diesel Race. The glimmer of hope that Audi saw by a couple of freak results last year was enough to convince the German automotive giant to start their involvement here, and Pierre-Henri Raphanel's heroics to bring home the hatefully slow ARC-4 in eighth place at Estoril were rewarded with the sack for not being German. Raphanel obligingly swapped places with Smokin' Jo Winkelhock, widely regarded as the inferior part of the All-Touring-Car-Champs setup at AGS over the last two years, and he now has to lead the team as there's no telling what Volker Weidler will do. Still, the extra power from the Audi LMP diesel engine, some extra sponsorship from Siemens and the development of a drinking habit via the nearby Eichbaum brewery (like all good Germans, obviously) should see them rise above the last two embarrassing seasons.

VERDICT: Deutschland, Deutschland über not exactly alles, but they should qualify for more races this season than in the last two combined.



GARAGE #12: SOCIÉTÉ PROST-ARNOUX MOTORSPORT




CHAUFFEUR: Stéphane Sarrazin (France)
CHAUFFEUR: Philippe Alliot (France)

LE CAR: PD-12
MOTEUR: Peugeot 3.7l V6 diesel, avec deux turbos (plus que les Allemands)
PAYS DOMICILE: France! France! France!
TÊTES-HONCHAUX D'ÉQUIPE: Alain Prost, René Arnoux

Let's parlez Franglais avec Alain et René! Quelle surprise, ils ont mergé les deux équipes Prost et DAMS, et pas de problème avec le nom "Société Prost-Arnoux Motorsport" qui spellez "SPAM". Les wily old scrotes, ils ont mettez pen de papier avec Hormel Foods et heureusement, les grand lettres "SPAM" sur le car. Et, also heureusement, plus de POWER! que Monsieur Clarkson, avec un grand moteur de diesel qui est dans le Peugeot 908 Le Mans Prototype. Un grand rivalrie est sur le horizon avec ATS Rial, et ce n'est pas de coincidence, oui, le SPAM PD-12 est comme un ATS Rial de 2013 avec le bleu et jaune (mais pas de brun?). Les chauffeurs Sarrazin et Alliot, "regardez le idiot" dit James Hunt, le best chauffeur de Prost et DAMS in 2013, malheureusement pour Monsieur Grouillard, le chicane mobile qui est dans l'équipe de Monteverdi, et de Signor Sospiri, parleamo italiano è not very français et out sur votre arse, mon ami.

LE VERDICT: Dans le battle de diesel avec ATS Rial, c'est le jeu de anybody. Avec les autres, quelle surprise, maybe?



GARAGE #13: MINARDI FORMULA ONE TEAM




DRIVER: ALEX YOONG (Malaysia)
DRIVER: ESTEBAN TUERO (Argentina)

CHASSIS: PS09
ENGINE: Motori Moderni 1.5l V6, twin turbocharged
HOME COUNTRY: Italy
TEAM PRINCIPALS: Paul Stoddart, Giancarlo Minardi

Minardi in F1RMGP have been very much like their namesakes in F1; always there, but mostly slow, and hauled ever further towards the back of the grid with the passage of time. 2013 was hardly a vintage year, with a frightening eleven DNQs and only a single point snatched right at the death by Esteban Tuero, conditions which completely invalidated the idea that Pierluigi Martini would have to be separated from his Minardi seat with a crowbar. He's retired, citing the team's gradual decline for his departure; this did at least open the door for Alex Yoong, the most successful Minardi driver in a single season, to make his return from the farce that was Fondmetal Team Malaysia. Whether or not he will be able to rescue the ailing team from crashing to a blank this year remains to be seen; don't bet on it, though, because the geriatric Motori Moderni engine built by Carlo Chiti in the mid-1980s is long overdue being put out to pasture.

VERDICT: What do you call two Minardis retiring in a cloud of blue engine smoke? Chiti Chiti Bang Bang.



GARAGE #14: STEFAN GRAND PRIX




DRIVER: KAZUKI NAKAJIMA (Japan)
DRIVER: JACQUES VILLENEUVE (Canada)

CHASSIS: S-04
ENGINE: Toyota 3.0l V12, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: Serbia
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Zoran Stefanovic

One day, Zoran, Toyota, Kaznak and The Reject Champion are either going to make the breakthrough that they say they will, or go away and stop wasting everybody's time. With Toyota's mothballed V12 finally getting some use last season, their appearances in the race numbered seven rather than two in 2012, but that's hardly enough to keep the team afloat for long. Apparently the team headquarters was invaded by a Serbian Orthodox priest in the close season who warned them against using the number 13 on their car, and in a fit of blinding idiocy they took his advice and opted for what is probably the single most rejectful number ever to appear in F1 from the early 1970s to 1995 – as sported by Osella, AGS, Coloni, Simtek and all their ilk. All the signs point to them staying in much the same mire as they are in now.

VERDICT: The vultures are circling.



GARAGE #15: GENII TEAM MALAYSIA




DRIVER: FAIRUZ FAUZY (Malaysia)
DRIVER: RICARDO TEIXEIRA (Angola)

CHASSIS: GEN-4
ENGINE: Proton 1.6l inline-4, turbocharged
HOME COUNTRY: Malaysia
TEAM PRINCIPALS: Dany Bahar and Tony Fernandes, locked in a cage together

This is what you call the punishment for dragging the Lotus name into disrepute. Tony Fernandes and Dany Bahar, the two warring parties, "resolved" that dispute to the satisfaction of absolutely nobody whatsoever, and it was said that Günther Schmidt willingly handed over some time on the F1RMGP Hologram Projection Unit for an hour so that Colin Chapman could voice his displeasure in person. Now, the two bosses are locked in a cage and will be forged to manage this gestält entity of their two teams together. Alex Yoong's patience ran ever drier with the pathetic performance of last year's Fondmetal Team Malaysia FTM130, so he's left to try to rescue Minardi, and in his place come the Angolan oil millions of Ricardo Teixeira, figuring a drive anywhere in F1RMGP was better than being left on the sidelines after Lola's withdrawal. Furthermore, the spat with Mecachrome over that shriekingly awful triple-turbo W9 engine, and their leap into bed with PURE, has seen Proton attempt their own version of the 1.6-litre inline-four turbo. Good luck... amongst this turmoil, you'll all need it.

VERDICT: Thrashed so hard it'll be sore bottoms all round.

[dinizintheoven]

The F1 Rejects Microprose Grand Prix Series, 2014 season: the teams and drivers (part four – the new teams)

GARAGE #16: LEYTON HOUSE SUZUKI WORKS TEAM




DRIVER: HIDEKI NODA (Japan)
DRIVER: BRUNO GIACOMELLI (Italy)

CHASSIS: LHS/CG141
ENGINE: Suzuki 2.7l V6, twin turbocharged
HOME COUNTRY: Japan
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Akira Akagi

It was the story of the Silly Season – the relentless attempts by Suzuki to get their hillclimb engine from the heavily-modified Escudo to F1RMGP. With so many teams needing new engine deals, the future looked bright – especially when F1RM were left in the lurch by Life, before they hooked up with PURE. Determined to get their place, the team shoved their engine in a horrible Life L213 chassis, employed Bruno Giacomelli who at least knew where all the controls were and set about testing. Sure enough, their claims of having a 1000 bhp engine for this series was smoke-blowing, but it does tip the dyno at round about the 800 mark. And that should at the very least secure their position as the best of the new teams. Furthermore, they signed a title sponsor to fund building their own car – we now know that it is the very dodgy Akira Akagi, who has hopefully mended his ways since the collapse of the original Leyton House-sponsored March squad. So convincing was their case for the upcoming season that they were rewarded with some half-decent car numbers, snatching 15 and 16 away from GTM who, let's face it, are going to be buried at the wrong end of the grid. This team certainly won't be.

VERDICT: An Indian summer for Jacko and the chance for Hideki Noda to show what he's really made of. Don't waste it.



GARAGE #17: DOME ENGINEERING DESIGN




DRIVER: EMANUELE NASPETTI (Italy)
DRIVER: MARCO APICELLA (Italy)

CHASSIS: Do14
ENGINE: Mugen-Honda 3.0l V10, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: Japan
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Minoru Hayashi

Another one of those infamous mid-1990s F1 never-weres, in that they never managed to get a car as far as a race weekend, arrives in F1RMGP – though it's definitely with a swagger rather than a stagger. Who'd have thought that a team who has never raced in this series yet could get so far up the nose of one of the most prominent team bosses? Their constant goading of Aguri Suzuki any time anything went awry in the Super Aguri garage became the stuff of legend in 2013, culminating with Julian Richer and his "sour grapes" stunt turning into some actual sponsorship for the team. That, and they've managed to secure the same supply of Mugen-Honda V10s, so they'll have the same power, and they managed to swipe Marco Apicella from under Aggers' nose, seeing as he drove for Dome in Japanese Formula 3000 and they wanted him back. He will be joined by another Italian JF3000 driver, Emanuele Naspetti, who's been seen in this series before – but it was as Forti's second driver when they had their hideous 2011 season. He'll have a much better shot at glory with this new Japanese machinery.

VERDICT: They'll probably not have the firepower to unseat Super Aguri on the track, but could well embarrass some more established outfits.



GARAGE #18: SPYKER SQUADRON




DRIVER: GREGOR FOITEK (Switzerland)
DRIVER: OLIVIER BERETTA (Monaco)

CHASSIS: F12-XIV
ENGINE: Neotech 3.5l V12, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: Netherlands
TEAM PRINCIPAL: Michiel Mol

Shmoking jacketsh at the ready, it'sh the firsht Dutch team in F1RMGP! One year in F1 saw the debut of Adrian Sutil, the glory of Markus Winkelhock leading his only race, and everyone else laughing at Christijan Albers and Sakon Yamamoto. Now they're here, determined to do things a very Dutch way, and if that means all the mechanics in the garage clumping around in wooden clogs, so be it – they've already revealed the cars in bright orange. They've taken the huge risk of signing Gregor Foitek, ejected from Monteverdi after a miserable 2013 season in which Fab Fab thrashed the pants off him, and the even bigger risk of signing F1RMGP debutant, the Monégasque Olivier Beretta, once known for being so out of his depth that Murray Walker's trousers threatened to spontaneously combust. With a powerful Neotech engine and sponsorship from Duracell, they should at least keep going to the end of every race, but if not, further sponsorship from Bauer means that Greg and Ollie could complete the race distance on roller skates. Also, and you have all been warned, expect a cloud of thick, white, funny-smelling smoke to drift from their motorhome after every race.

VERDICT: A decent chassis, a storming engine, questionable drivers and management style; they could go either way.



GARAGE #19: DAVID PRICE RACING




DRIVER: PLAMEN KRALEV (Bulgaria)
DRIVER: CHRISTOPHE HURNI (Switzerland)

CHASSIS: DPR-1
ENGINE: Dacia 2.4l V8, normally aspirated
HOME COUNTRY: United Kingdom
TEAM PRINCIPALS: David Price, André Herck

Ye gods. Who let this lot in? Not content with being thrown out of GP2 for always being somewhere near the rear end of the field (the 2010 "success" of 8th was far too little, too late), they've almost unbelievably revived themselves in F1RMGP. And, almost predictably, after receiving absolutely no replies to a livery-design contest... no, I really do mean none at all, they took their hastily cobbled-together chassis, took it to the nearby University of Surrey and had some stoned art students shoot at it with paintball guns so that it sort-of-resembles the Romanian flag. The engines are actually the Renault units left behind when DAMS merged with Prost and took Peugeot diesels, but they've been de-tuned and rebadged as Dacias. Add in a load of really, really rejectful sponsorship from the wrong end of the British market (though they at least stopped short of recruiting Razzle or Red Hot Asian Wives TV), and recruit the Fire King and a fortysomething Swiss count with too much money to burn, and the only sound that you'll be able to hear over the sound of the other teams howling in uncontrollable mirth.

VERDICT: Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA HA! HAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *coronary*

[SuperAguri]

David Price Racing already in trouble?

There are strong rumours that David Price Racing might be in trouble before a wheel is turned in anger, although they seem to have sponsors the sponsors are not covering anywhere near enough the money required to run a team and there are rumours that a buyer might be required to save the team before the season starts. Prince Malik was seen near the teams headquarters and Arrows may be on the grid for 2014 after all.

Hideki Noda - We will beat Super Aguri and Dome.

Hideki Noda who was signed up as lead driver for the new Suzuki team came out and said "We are looking foward to the first tests , we shall beat both Super Aguri and Dome to become the lead Japanese team in F1RMGP!" before kissing the Suzuki badge on his overalls. The Suzuki engine is one of the fastest in the field and we believe when the engine is not exploding, Suzuki will be challenging for podiums and wins.

PURE Joke

A disgruntled mechanic on the PURE project came to us and said "The PURE engine is just pure bathplug, it barely could produce 525bhp even with the Turbochargers. Forti are going to cream the F1R team as they have a decent sized engine and experience in making sure the engine concept works, ours will probably explode before 10 laps are up. So where is this bottle of whisky you promised us?".

[dinizintheoven]

Ye gods, the season hasn't even started yet and already the Autosport Rumour Machine is in full flow...

David Price Racing already in trouble?
There are strong rumours that David Price Racing might be in trouble before a wheel is turned in anger, although they seem to have sponsors the sponsors are not covering anywhere near enough the money required to run a team and there are rumours that a buyer might be required to save the team before the season starts. Prince Malik was seen near the teams headquarters and Arrows may be on the grid for 2014 after all.

NEVER! We will be there at the first race! We will race the whole season! I know what you vultures all said about Hispania Racing in 2011!

André! What in HWNSNBM's name are you doing?

Calm down, Dave. There is something my comrades in Poland said the late 1980s... Solidarity! We have it!

*something incomprehensible in Bulgarian*

Quoi?

PURE Joke
A disgruntled mechanic on the PURE project came to us and said "The PURE engine is just pure bathplug, it barely could produce 525bhp even with the Turbochargers. Forti are going to cream the F1R team as they have a decent sized engine and experience in making sure the engine concept works, ours will probably explode before 10 laps are up. So where is this bottle of whisky you promised us?".

From popcorn to whisky? That's a step up in the stakes.

Anyway, I know exactly what power all the engines are producing, and in the case of PURE, it's... no, I'm saying nothing.

Hideki Noda - We will beat Super Aguri and Dome.
Hideki Noda who was signed up as lead driver for the new Suzuki team came out and said "We are looking foward to the first tests , we shall beat both Super Aguri and Dome to become the lead Japanese team in F1RMGP!" before kissing the Suzuki badge on his overalls. The Suzuki engine is one of the fastest in the field and we believe when the engine is not exploding, Suzuki will be challenging for podiums and wins.

Serious point...

Who wants to see the testing times?

[FMecha]

Will this F1RMGP season have prequalifying?

Otherwise, great season preview.

[dr-baker]

GARAGE #7: AUTOMOBILES GONFARONNAISES SPORTIVES

...the Frenchman's arrival has brought France 3 and France 4 on board; has the number on a car ever been used for sponsorship purposes before? It has now.

Yes. According to the 2005 edition of the Grand Prix Data Book (page 719 - as all good, non-plagarising university students know, "Quote Your Sources!"), "The highest car number was 208 (sponsored by Radio Luxembourg)and driven by Lella Lombardi in Britain 1974 (non-qualified)."

GARAGE #12: SOCIÉTÉ PROST-ARNOUX MOTORSPORT

CHAUFFEUR: Stéphane Sarrazin (France)
CHAUFFEUR: Philippe Alliot (France)

LE CAR: PD-12
MOTEUR: Peugeot 3.7l V6 diesel, avec deux turbos (plus que les Allemands)
PAYS DOMICILE: France! France! France!
TÊTES-HONCHAUX D'ÉQUIPE: Alain Prost, René Arnoux

Let's parlez Franglais avec Alain et René! Quelle surprise, ils ont mergé les deux équipes Prost et DAMS, et pas de problème avec le nom "Société Prost-Arnoux Motorsport" qui spellez "SPAM". Les wily old scrotes, ils ont mettez pen de papier avec Hormel Foods et heureusement, les grand lettres "SPAM" sur le car. Et, also heureusement, plus de POWER! que Monsieur Clarkson, avec un grand moteur de diesel qui est dans le Peugeot 908 Le Mans Prototype. Un grand rivalrie est sur le horizon avec ATS Rial, et ce n'est pas de coincidence, oui, le SPAM PD-12 est comme un ATS Rial de 2013 avec le bleu et jaune (mais pas de brun?). Les chauffeurs Sarrazin et Alliot, "regardez le idiot" dit James Hunt, le best chauffeur de Prost et DAMS in 2013, malheureusement pour Monsieur Grouillard, le chicane mobile qui est dans l'équipe de Monteverdi, et de Signor Sospiri, parleamo italiano è not very français et out sur votre arse, mon ami.

LE VERDICT: Dans le battle de diesel avec ATS Rial, c'est le jeu de anybody. Avec les autres, quelle surprise, maybe?

You know that le car is French for a coach, don't you? One of those 'faux amis' mate! Let's hope it goes better than the aforementioned through the air aerodynamically...

[dr-baker]

GARAGE #9: MONTEVERDI ONYX GRAND PRIX




DRIVER: OLIVIER GROUILLARD (France)
DRIVER: FABRIZIO BARBAZZA (Italy)

And still no Milka Duno in the Milka-sponsored car? She will be disappointed. Or is there conspiracy and blackmail going on in the background? Does the Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix Team have something on her, and she is paying them to keep quiet, and using this chocolate brand as a cover to explain where this substantial sum of money is coming from?

[dinizintheoven]

Will this F1RMGP season have prequalifying?

No - there's never been any need for it. Besides, a 38-car traffic jam in the qualifying session makes for some interesting final times.

...the Frenchman's arrival has brought France 3 and France 4 on board; has the number on a car ever been used for sponsorship purposes before? It has now.

Yes. According to the 2005 edition of the Grand Prix Data Book (page 719 - as all good, non-plagarising university students know, "Quote Your Sources!"), "The highest car number was 208 (sponsored by Radio Luxembourg)and driven by Lella Lombardi in Britain 1974 (non-qualified)."

I'd actually forgotten about that, right up until the point where I saw a question in another thread asking the significance of the number 208.

You know that le car is French for a coach, don't you? One of those 'faux amis' mate! Let's hope it goes better than the aforementioned through the air aerodynamically...

Oui. Parlez franglais, le car n'est pas un double decker, mais c'est trés purple.

And still no Milka Duno in the Milka-sponsored car? She will be disappointed. Or is there conspiracy and blackmail going on in the background? Does the Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix Team have something on her, and she is paying them to keep quiet, and using this chocolate brand as a cover to explain where this substantial sum of money is coming from?

How did the content of this thread escape you when you were one of the Team Managers, and were one of the few to initiate a driver change, which at least proves you were paying enough attention to do so? And, most of all - it was this very comment in the 2013 season which led to the creation of the "other" series in the first place...

Racing last year's car on a Friday and this year's car on a Saturday isn't half a strenuous exercise.

[dr-baker]

...the Frenchman's arrival has brought France 3 and France 4 on board; has the number on a car ever been used for sponsorship purposes before? It has now.

Yes. According to the 2005 edition of the Grand Prix Data Book (page 719 - as all good, non-plagarising university students know, "Quote Your Sources!"), "The highest car number was 208 (sponsored by Radio Luxembourg)and driven by Lella Lombardi in Britain 1974 (non-qualified)."

I'd actually forgotten about that, right up until the point where I saw a question in another thread asking the significance of the number 208.

Me again, that was!!!

And still no Milka Duno in the Milka-sponsored car? She will be disappointed. Or is there conspiracy and blackmail going on in the background? Does the Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix Team have something on her, and she is paying them to keep quiet, and using this chocolate brand as a cover to explain where this substantial sum of money is coming from?

How did the content of this thread escape you when you were one of the Team Managers, and were one of the few to initiate a driver change, which at least proves you were paying enough attention to do so? And, most of all - it was this very comment in the 2013 season which led to the creation of the "other" series in the first place...

Yes, but no women in THIS MAIN SERIES??? Women race directly against men in most branches of motorsport, why not here? Is the Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix team in cahoots with the F1RMGP series management to prevent Milka Duno competing against the men?Is the blackmail concerned with something that Ms. Duno may or may not have done with a member of the management? Something fishy, or milky, or chocolately is going on here... I smell a doughnut!

[dinizintheoven]

Yes, but no women in THIS MAIN SERIES??? Women race directly against men in most branches of motorsport, why not here? Is the Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix team in cahoots with the F1RMGP series management to prevent Milka Duno competing against the men?Is the blackmail concerned with something that Ms. Duno may or may not have done with a member of the management? Something fishy, or milky, or chocolately is going on here... I smell a doughnut!

You are missing the point here, which is that the Main Series (that I'm starting now) runs concurrently in real time with the WEC (which we all already know the results of). Why do you think I went to all that trouble making sure none of the track times (practice, qualifying, and the races) clashed with each other? And there's going to be a 2015 WEC as well, so it's up to Milka to perform well in that series to have a shot at this one for 2016. That is, providing one of the Team Managers for the WEC picks her, which is not a certainty, and if you remember, neither was it going to be in the 2014 WEC until I... er... Tallulah Shekelslike stepped in and saved her from a season on the sidelines. What I'll say on that front is, Tallulah has her eye on a rather bigger prize for 2015, so if you want Milka on the 2016 F1RMGP grid, you know what to do when the 2015 WEC arrives.

Anyway, back to a previous point: who wants to see the testing times?

[DanielPT]

Yes, but no women in THIS MAIN SERIES??? Women race directly against men in most branches of motorsport, why not here? Is the Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix team in cahoots with the F1RMGP series management to prevent Milka Duno competing against the men?Is the blackmail concerned with something that Ms. Duno may or may not have done with a member of the management? Something fishy, or milky, or chocolately is going on here... I smell a doughnut!

You are missing the point here, which is that the Main Series (that I'm starting now) runs concurrently in real time with the WEC (which we all already know the results of). Why do you think I went to all that trouble making sure none of the track times (practice, qualifying, and the races) clashed with each other? And there's going to be a 2015 WEC as well, so it's up to Milka to perform well in that series to have a shot at this one for 2016. That is, providing one of the Team Managers for the WEC picks her, which is not a certainty, and if you remember, neither was it going to be in the 2014 WEC until I... er... Tallulah Shekelslike stepped in and saved her from a season on the sidelines. What I'll say on that front is, Tallulah has her eye on a rather bigger prize for 2015, so if you want Milka on the 2016 F1RMGP grid, you know what to do when the 2015 WEC arrives.

Anyway, back to a previous point: who wants to see the testing times?

Over here, there's many people! Including me!

[Waris]

Anyway, back to a previous point: who wants to see the testing times?

Me!!

[dr-baker]

Anyway, back to a previous point: who wants to see the testing times?

Yes, that would be good.

[wmetcalf68]

I can't wait to start the season!

[Barbazza]

And still no Milka Duno in the Milka-sponsored car? She will be disappointed. Or is there conspiracy and blackmail going on in the background? Does the Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix Team have something on her, and she is paying them to keep quiet, and using this chocolate brand as a cover to explain where this substantial sum of money is coming from?

I wish I had Milka as a team mate, anyone but that useless French greaseball - call that a proper hairdo?!

[dinizintheoven]

I wish I had Milka as a team mate, anyone but that useless French greaseball - call that a proper hairdo?!

Oui.

So, here comes The Official Testing Week for F1RMGP 2014. It'll be Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for the teams to get their 2014 cars up to speed, while on Wednesday and Friday, some of last year's models will be wheeled out for the Women's European Cup (which you all know has happened already, go and look at that thread.) Tuesday's testing times will be revealed soon enough...

[DanielPT]

I wish I had Milka as a team mate, anyone but that useless French greaseball - call that a proper hairdo?!

Oui.

So, here comes The Official Testing Week for F1RMGP 2014. It'll be Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for the teams to get their 2014 cars up to speed, while on Wednesday and Friday, some of last year's models will be wheeled out for the Women's European Cup (which you all know has happened already, go and look at that thread.) Tuesday's testing times will be revealed soon enough...

I already did that and found out that a certain Flavio was too dirty and obnoxious to follow, so came back here! Any other suggestions?

[Salamander]

It's here, it's here, it's finally here! You can expect Some Publication to return at some point when I'm not inundated with coursework that I'm continually putting off.

[Phoenix]

I'm sure this will finally be Þorvaldur's year!

[Salamander]

I'm sure this will finally be Þorvaldur's year!

HWNSNBM willing.

[dinizintheoven]

I'm sure this will finally be Þorvaldur's year!

HWNSNBM willing.

HWNSNBM not willing, if you think about it, given that he is the principal of a rival team.

Anyway, you wanted some testing times. The 19 F1RMGP teams - yes, even David Price - turned up at the Valencia Street Circuit, purely to point and laugh at it, before relocating to Circuit Ricardo Tormo for the official pre-season test.

F1RMGP 2014 test session 1
Circuit Ricardo Torno, Valencia - Tuesday, 12 February 2014

Morning

Code: Select all

1 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'24.797
2 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'25.099
3 –    27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'25.421
4 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'26.059
5 –    12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'26.061
6 –    2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'26.256
7 –    18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'26.258
8 –    7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.292
9 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'26.519
10 –   35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'26.549
11 –   26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'26.722
12 –   15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'26.930
13 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'27.091

Code: Select all

14 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'27.100
15 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'27.344
16 –   19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'27.634
17 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'27.763
18 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'27.930
19 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'28.217
20 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'28.297
21 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'28.506
22 –   36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'28.514
23 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'28.716
24 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'28.810
25 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'28.849
26 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'28.887

Code: Select all

27 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'28.922
28 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'29.059
29 –   4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'29.512
30 –   22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'29.758
31 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'29.763
32 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'29.847
33 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'30.095
34 –   37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'30.461
35 –   31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'31.849
36 –   39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'32.171
37 –   40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'33.140
38 –   38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'34.387

Afternoon

Code: Select all

1 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'24.672
2 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'24.729
3 –    15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'25.258
4 –    16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'25.670
5 –    2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'25.878
6 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'26.142
7 –    26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'26.185
8 –    5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'26.211
9 –    11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'26.303
10 –   8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'26.306
11 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'26.510
12 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'26.561
13 –   7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.714

Code: Select all

14 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'26.756
15 –   35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'26.765
16 –   27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'27.137
17 –   19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'27.433
18 –   4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'27.645
19 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'27.800
20 –   12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'28.092
21 –   36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'28.380
22 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'28.597
23 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'28.711
24 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'28.727
25 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'28.916
26 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'29.228

Code: Select all

27 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'29.470
28 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'29.475
29 –   22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'29.642
30 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'29.846
31 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'30.017
32 –   39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'30.050
33 –   37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'30.548
34 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'30.637
35 –   38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'30.715
36 –   31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'31.720
37 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'31.799
38 –   40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'33.552

Now, I know there's no point in reading massive amounts into testing times, because there's no telling what fuel loads they're all running or what race strategies they're trying, but if I can sum up a few points: Þorvaldur Einarsson is in fine form, the PURE engine is most definitely not bathplug, Leyton House look good for their first season, Fabrizio Barbazza and Philippe Alliot could be overlooked megastars, AGS are in trouble, the diesels are sorely underperforming, and it's going to be a fight between DPR and GTM for the wooden spoon...

[spam_v5_1_1]

I support Team SPAM!

[dinizintheoven]

F1RMGP 2014 test session 2
Circuit Ricardo Torno, Valencia - Thursday, 14 February 2014

Morning

Code: Select all

1 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'24.725
2 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'24.767
3 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'24.842
4 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'25.212
5 –    27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'25.557
6 –    11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'25.591
7 –    2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'25.842
8 –    12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'26.180
9 –    18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'26.218
10 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'26.679
11 –   7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.685
12 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'26.808
13 –   15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'26.934

Code: Select all

14 –   26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'27.056
15 –   22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'27.216
16 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'27.380
17 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'27.386
18 –   19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'27.544
19 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'28.221
20 –   36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'28.303
21 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'28.550
22 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'28.810
23 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'28.835
24 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'28.926
25 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'29.010
26 –   35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'29.133

Code: Select all

27 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'29.639
28 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'29.887
29 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'29.889
30 –   4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'30.049
31 –   38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'30.425
32 –   37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'30.438
33 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'30.596
34 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'30.885
35 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'31.596
36 –   31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'31.679
37 –   39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'32.258
38 –   40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'32.889

Afternoon

Code: Select all

1 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'24.683
2 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'25.097
3 –    15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'25.297
4 –    28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'25.681
5 –    36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'25.796
6 –    7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.050
7 –    3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'26.226
8 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'26.306
9 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'26.390
10 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'26.560
11 –   27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'26.597
12 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'26.753
13 –   26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'26.803

Code: Select all

14 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'26.806
15 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'27.009
16 –   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'27.477
17 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'27.507
18 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'27.520
19 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'27.602
20 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'27.687
21 –   12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'28.133
22 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'28.211
23 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'28.222
24 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'28.348
25 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'28.755
26 –   4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'29.258

Code: Select all

27 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'29.264
28 –   19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'29.473
29 –   22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'29.714
30 –   35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'29.844
31 –   39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'30.018
32 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'30.097
33 –   40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'30.183
34 –   37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'30.513
35 –   38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'30.926
36 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'31.390
37 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'31.593
38 –   31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'31.762

PANIC! at Spyker, as Olivier Beretta finds himself in a DNQ position again, though he makes some amends in the afternoon. PANIC! at AGS, as PHR does the same, but scrapes into 26th by the skin of his teeth in the afternoon... but this is a team that is targeting wins. PANIC! at Monteverdi, as Olivier Grouillard is well and truly mired in with the early baths four times out of four now. PANIC! at Stefan, as they find themselves in a depressingly familiar position. PANIC! amongst the front runners, as Daggers tops the timesheets three times after his initial aberration and absolutely creams the field in the afternoon session. And PANIC! at the Disco will not be playing at the pre-season gig in São Paulo...

[dinizintheoven]

F1RMGP 2014 test session 3
Circuit Ricardo Torno, Valencia - Saturday, 16 February 2014

Morning

Code: Select all

1 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'24.432
2 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'24.882
3 –    15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'25.304
4 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'25.549
5 –    36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'25.765
6 –    27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'25.845
7 –    28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'26.053
8 –    7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.181
9 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'26.305
10 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'26.424
11 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'26.720
12 –   35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'26.757
13 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'27.050

Code: Select all

14 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'27.059
15 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'27.141
16 –   22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'27.180
17 –   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'27.594
18 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'27.687
19 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'27.842
20 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'27.968
21 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'28.102
22 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'28.464
23 –   12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'28.878
24 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'28.922
25 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'29.127
26 –   4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'29.433

Code: Select all

27 –   26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'29.672
28 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'29.802
29 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'30.048
30 –   19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'30.090
31 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'30.219
32 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'30.473
33 –   39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'30.630
34 –   40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'30.638
35 –   37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'31.133
36 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'31.467
37 –   31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'32.102
38 –   38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'34.010

Afternoon

Code: Select all

1 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'24.636
2 –    27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'25.059
3 –    16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'25.468
4 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'26.099
5 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'26.244
6 –    12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'26.258
7 –    35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'26.305
8 –    3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'26.380
9 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'26.394
10 –   26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'26.427
11 –   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'26.469
12 –   15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'26.625
13 –   7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.759

Code: Select all

14 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'27.132
15 –   19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'27.388
16 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'27.394
17 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'27.878
18 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'28.137
19 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'28.186
20 –   36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'28.219
21 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'28.338
22 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'28.632
23 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'28.674
24 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'28.847
25 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'29.093
26 –   4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'29.184

Code: Select all

27 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'29.215
28 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'29.344
29 –   22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'29.810
30 –   39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'30.055
31 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'30.075
32 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'30.298
33 –   37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'30.353
34 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'30.804
35 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'31.256
36 –   31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'31.850
37 –   40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'32.978
38 –   38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'35.013

And that ends the test sessions. Viking, F1RM, Leyton House, Super Aguri and Forti are scrapping for the top positions; GTM, Stefan and David Price are deep in the DNQ mire, as was widely predicted; then there seem to be some teams that are a bit like Bill Clinton's trousers; up one minute, down the next. ATS Rial and Dome are cases in point; capable of getting in the top ten, but just as likely to be down in the dumps.

The season must now start, so the first chapter of this story can be told...

[dinizintheoven]

And, before we kick off the season properly, here are a final preparatory bits and pieces:


Test sessions at Valencia: the summary

These are the final testing results, showing the fastest time and average time for each driver over the six sessions, as a means of indicating who might be on top and who won't be...

Code: Select all

ORDERED BY FASTEST TIME                                   ORDERED BY AVERAGE TIME               

Code: Select all

1 –   9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'24.432          1 –   10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'25.068
2 –   10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'24.636          2 –   1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'25.313
3 –   1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'24.672          3 –   9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'25.634
4 –   27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'25.059          4 –   8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'25.800
5 –   8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'25.099          5 –   27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'25.936
6 –   15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'25.258          6 –   15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'26.058
7 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'25.468          7 –   7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.447
8 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'25.591          8 –   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'26.586
9 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'25.681          9 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'26.588
10 –  36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'25.765          10 –  16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'26.838
11 –  2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'25.842          11 –  26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'27.144
12 –  7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'26.050          12 –  11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'27.152
13 –  12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'26.061          13 –  18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'27.231

Code: Select all

14 –  26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'26.185          14 –  12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'27.267
15 –  5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'26.211          15 –  5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'27.447
16 –  18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'26.218          16 –  36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'27.496
17 –  3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'26.226          17 –  35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'27.559
18 –  35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'26.305          18 –  3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'27.754
19 –  21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'26.424          19 –  33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'28.101
20 –  29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'26.561          20 –  21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'28.111
21 –  25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'27.009          21 –  29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'28.205
22 –  6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'27.050          22 –  19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'28.260
23 –  20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'27.091          23 –  6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'28.419
24 –  22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'27.180          24 –  20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'28.433
25 –  33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'27.344          25 –  30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'28.632
26 –  19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'27.388          26 –  22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'28.887

Code: Select all

27 –  4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'27.645          27 –  4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'29.180
28 –  30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'27.800          28 –  25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'29.014
29 –  24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'28.102          29 –  23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'29.500
30 –  23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'28.137          30 –  24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'29.920
31 –  34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'28.211          31 –  34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'29.926
32 –  32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'28.849          32 –  17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'29.995
33 –  17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'29.846          33 –  32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'30.168
34 –  39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'30.018          34 –  37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'30.574
35 –  40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'30.183          35 –  39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'30.864
36 –  37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'30.353          36 –  31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'31.827
37 –  38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'30.425          37 –  40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'32.230
38 –  31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'31.679          38 –  38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'32.579

There's also an official Reject Of The Testing Season award, which goes to Olivier Grouillard, for six truly insipid performances, barely cracking the rejectful 1'30 mark while team-mate Fabrizio Barbazza regularly punched above the same car's weight.



The Apertura seedings

It's as we were at the end of the 2013 season, with none of the top 16 drivers leaving the series...

1 Chris Dagnall
2 Jan Magnussen
3 Þorvaldur Einarsson
4 Jean-Denis Délétraz
5 Luca Badoer
6 Yuji Ide
7 Andrea Montermini
8 Marco Apicella
9 Pedro Chaves
10 Gabriele Tarquini
11 Ralph Firman
12 Allan McNish
13 Claudio Langes
14 Philippe Alliot
15 Fabrizio Barbazza
16 Perry McCarthy



And a use for the mid-season break... The Great Reversal

That yawning five-week chasm in the calendar that swallows up most of August was intended for a Le Mans-style 24 hour endurance race. While this is in development, it is quite likely to take place at the end of the season in Australia, probably at Bathurst, with the teams staying on Down Under to contest it. In the summer break, the 2014 F1RMGP teams have been invited to swap cars for a non-championship race at Circuit Ricardo Tormo; the way The Great Reversal will work is that the highest-ranked team at the half-way point in the season will swap cars with the lowest-ranked team, the second-placed team will swap cars with those in 18th, and so on - hence the team lying tenth will have the dubious advantage of driving their own car. I mean, you all always wanted to know what would happen if Sebastian Vettel was dumped in a Virgin or a Hispania, right? Here comes a way, of sorts, of seeing what might happen, in that it is widely expected to be the Viking, F1RM or Super Aguri drivers being treated to the delights of driving David Price's horrorshow, while those precious and powerful frontrunners will be piloted by Christophe Hurni and Plamen Kralev. Fasten your seat belts...

[Barbazza]

There's also an official Reject Of The Testing Season award, which goes to Olivier Grouillard, for six truly insipid performances, barely cracking the rejectful 1'30 mark while team-mate Fabrizio Barbazza regularly punched above the same car's weight.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[FullMetalJack]

You may have to change one of the sponsors, as Chris Dagnall no longer plays for Scunthorpe. He's moved to Barnsley.

Not a problem, as it means that car won't have the claret part of the F1R car.

[dinizintheoven]

You may have to change one of the sponsors, as Chris Dagnall no longer plays for Scunthorpe. He's moved to Barnsley.
Not a problem, as it means that car won't have the claret part of the F1R car.

Aaaaargh! Curse the transfer window!

I always feared this would happen... of course, technically, it affects the 2012 Toleman and 2013 F1RM car as well... such is the problem with running a fantasy series in the future.

Still, here goes...

[dinizintheoven]

Out with the old... and in with the new.

What's tha doin' on Ilkley Moor bah't'at?

[SuperAguri]

You see Mr Aguri Suzuki, I was faster then Mr Nakano overall, bet you feel stupid now? Leyton House Suzuki will beat Super Aguri, mark my words!

I noticed that Mr Ide was faster then you, still I feel that this will be our year as long as not meat or fruit based pies come near our car. The Pure engines will cost F1RM dearly.

Well David Price made it to testing but Campos Meta never got to the grid and they are going to spend all their megure sponsorship money trying to run the car for a few laps per race. Arrows will be on the grid this season, even if I have to use other tactics to buy a team.

[dinizintheoven]

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre we go!


Round 1: Interlagos, Brazil
Saturday, 19 April 2014

THE GRID

Code: Select all

1 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'22.087
2 –    27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'22.320
3 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'22.588
4 –    2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'23.197
5 –    12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'23.239
6 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'23.560
7 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'23.750
8 –    35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'23.915
9 –    15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'23.992
10 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'24.118
11 –   7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'24.320
12 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'24.383
13 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'24.589

Code: Select all

14 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'24.664
15 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'24.754
16 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'25.060
17 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'25.106
18 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'25.431
19 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'25.501
20 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'25.545
21 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'25.587
22 –   36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'25.700
23 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'25.861
24 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'25.951
25 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'25.988
26 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'26.181

Code: Select all

---------------- DID NOT QUALIFY ----------------
DNQ –  26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'26.337
DNQ –  19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'26.347
DNQ –  4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'26.423
DNQ –  25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'26.821
DNQ –  39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'27.027
DNQ –  17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'27.134
DNQ –  22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'27.209
DNQ –  34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'27.456
DNQ –  37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'27.894
DNQ –  31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'28.699
DNQ –  40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'29.732
DNQ –  38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'31.595

We're off... and first blood was drawn by the Viking axe of Þorvaldur Einarsson, ripping the face off pole by two and a half tenths. Even so, the Icelander was disappointed not to have cracked the 1'22 barrier, which was tantalisingly within reach. Joining him in the 1'22s were Luca Badoer, pumped up for his team's home race, and Yuji Ide, setting out the stall for this year's huge Japanese assault. Jean-Denis Délétraz led the charge for F1RM, somewhat behind the front three but not disastrously so, Perry McCarthy showed what this year's SAC is capable of... and behind him, last year's title rivals, Jan Magnussen and Chris Dagnall, both having terrible setup problems that left them off the pace. Widely expected to be the fastest of the new teams was Leyton House, but Emanuele Naspetti had a storming return to F1RMGP after two years away, shoving the new Dome in eighth, a place that his 2011 Forti could only dream of; Hideki Noda, making his debut for Leyton House, was beaten into ninth by eight hundredths. Paul Belmondo put a smile on the face of the Simtek management with tenth, ahead of another new boy, Shinji Nakano, who had brought a very loud Irish fan club with him to São Paulo. Bruno Giacomelli showed there's life in the old dog yet (get it?), beating Andrea Montermini to 12th.

The second half of the grid saw a fair few teams who could only get one car on the grid, starting with Enrico Bertaggia and Gregor Foitek, the ex-Monteverdi man making his first start for the new Spyker team and comprehensively thrashing his old employers; that'll give him a boost. Debutant Marko Asmer couldn't break the 1'25 barrier but still started ahead of Pedro Chaves; those two's team mates are further ahead. Toleman and Minardi put both cars in the race; 18th and 23rd for Ralph Firman and Allan McNish would be considered highly disappointing, whereas the Minardis were chuffed to get Alex Yoong and Esteban Tuero into 19th and 20th, when they know they have a season of hard slog ahead. Falling horribly down the order from last season, or so it seems, Gabriele Tarquini could only put his AGS 21st, ahead of Marco Apicella in the second Dome, who at least knows his car is capable of a lot more. Fabrizio Barbazza was the only Monteverdi to qualify, in a lowly 24th, ahead of Jacques Villeneuve in the Stefan, and last of all – with a desperate lunge over the line in the dying seconds of qualifying – Joachim Winkelhock at least ensured the grid on race day would resound to the clatter of one diesel engine. I suppose it's automatically one-nil to Audi and ATS Rial in the Great Diesel Experiment, but it was hardly a ringing endorsement...

...so where does that leave the other twelve drivers? Going home on Friday evening, that's what. Philippe Alliot was the driver knocked out by Winkelhock, thus SPAM started their F1RMGP career with a big, fat double-DNQ, as it was – quite expectedly – for GTM and David Price, with Ricardo Teixeira and Christophe Hurni posting particularly miserable times. Claudio Langes was the fall guy for EuroBrun, Pierre-Henri Raphanel for AGS – surely he's used to that after the last couple of seasons, but he's in a faster car now and this won't do. Olivier Grouillard was also expected to fail early after his testing horror show, Volker Weidler couldn't get used to the bizarre torque curve of the diesel engine he is now powered by, and Olivier Beretta had an F1RMGP debut to forget. And of those we have not so far mentioned, Kazuki Nakajima continues to look about as useful as a solar-powered torch in the Arctic winter. Beaten by the Fire King in David Price's hopeless pile of junk? Watch out for that P45, Kazuki.



CLASSIFICATION

Code: Select all

1 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         71   1h 43'48.581
2 –    27 L. Badoer       Forti          71   1h 44'14.683
3 –    2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           71   1h 44'55.675
4 –    29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         70   + 1 lap
5 –    16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   70   + 1 lap
6 –    20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       70   + 1 lap
7 –    30 M. Asmer        Simtek         70   + 1 lap
8 –    12 P. McCarthy     SAC            70   + 1 lap
9 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         70   + 1 lap
10 –   35 E. Naspetti     Dome           70   + 1 lap
11 –   28 A. Montermini   Forti          69   + 2 laps
12 –   36 M. Apicella     Dome           69   + 2 laps
13 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        69   + 2 laps

Code: Select all

14 –   23 A. Yoong        Minardi        69   + 2 laps
15 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        69   + 2 laps
16 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       68   + 3 laps
17 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        68   + 3 laps
18 –   15 H. Noda         Leyton House   54   puncture
19 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     51   suspension
20 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         39   engine
21 –   8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    35   puncture
22 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            29   transmission
23 –   7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    29   engine
24 –   1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           26   transmission
25 –   32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         25   transmission
26 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            21   engine

Stick that in your church and set fire to it. Other drivers beware, Þorvaldur Einarsson can smell the blood of his rivals a hundred miles away, and performed a similar hatchet job on the field in the race as he had done in qualifying – and next up will be his favourite race, at Mexico City. Luca Badoer, fuelled by the fervour of a Brazilian crowd with no driver of their own to cheer on, was the only one to keep the Icelander honest, streaking ahead at the start and keeping the lead for the first nine laps – indeed, Þorvaldur was third for six of those laps before an embarrassing spin for Yuji Ide, swarming all over the back of Badoer's gearbox, sent him to the back of the field; three laps later, the Viking pounced on Badoer, and that was game over. So it was left to Jean-Denis Délétraz to complete the podium in the end, who trundled along unthreatened for most of the race, as most of his rivals fell by the wayside. First to be lapped, if not by much, was Paul Belmondo, who had driven masterfully to secure Simtek's best result since Mexico 2011, and with Marko Asmer taking seventh in his first race, Simtek's woes from the last two seasons were well and truly swept under the carpet. Bruno Giacomelli also had some work to do from his grid position, and his drive to fifth in a car with a powerful engine but which isn't quite on song yet – this is a new team, after all, with a car almost as hastily built as David Price's – was a fine reward for a hard afternoon's work, and his best ever F1RMGP result – seventh for Life at the Hungaroring in 2011 had been his previous highest placing, so he took a step towards unrejectification. As did Enrico Bertaggia, with his sixth place for EuroBrun; now, both these two drivers need only another sixth to reach the milestone. Perry McCarthy, Jan Magnussen and Emanuele Naspetti rounded off the points, and the once-lapped runners; Magnussen had been off-colour all weekend and there was little to celebrate on his side of the Viking garage, whereas sparkling sake corks popped for Emanuele Naspetti, who scored his and Dome's first point; Naspetti's 2011 record read four starts, twelve DNQs and a highest finish of 23rd.

11th, first of the non-scorers and first of the twice-lappes finishers was Andrea Montermini, who had Marco Apicella snapping at his gearbox for the last ten laps, though it would have needed one more retirement ahead to get Dome a coveted double-points finish. Toleman's long faces never shortened as Ralph Firman and Allan McNish plodded round as if they'd both had a Cornish pasty jammed in their exhaust pipes, with Alex Yoong's Minardi the meaty filling between the crimped Toleman crust. Three laps down, the ATS Rial of Joachim Winkelhock clattered over the line, indicating that LMP diesels still have some way to go before they're dominating this series like they do at Circuit de la Sarthe, but at least he beat Esteban Tuero. As for the retirements; we start with AGS; with PHR failing to qualify on the Friday, Gabriele Tarquini had to carry the weight of the team's expectations on his shoulders, but when his engine exploded after 21 laps and he became the first retirement of the race, that sealed Reject Of The Race for AGS. Drivetrain gremlins saw off three more potential frontrunners; not Jacques Villeneuve, he was running last when his gearbox broke, but a lap later the same fate befell Chris Dagnall – a box full of neutrals was his fate, not the predicted failure of the PURE engine, a problem which instead took Shinji Nakano out of the running after only three more laps, and on the same lap, Pedro Chaves also succumbed to transmission trouble. Yuji Ide's charge through the field after his earlier spin was halted by a piece of debris shredding his tyre, most likely from the casing of one of the shattered gearboxes of his rivals, Gregor Foitek's fine debut for Spyker came to an end as the car's Neotech engine (suspected to be one that had been previously used by EuroBrun last year) blew up on lap 40, Fabrizio Barbazza's suspension collapsed, ending a miserable opening race for Monteverdi this year, and last to fall was Hideki Noda, on course for a hatful of points at Leyton House and Suzuki's first race, but a sudden puncture threw his off the road, just as had happened to Yuji Ide.




DRIVERS' CHAMPIONSHIP

Code: Select all

1 –   10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         25
2 –   27 L. Badoer       Forti          18
3 –   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           15
4 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         12
5 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   10
6 –   20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       8
7 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         6
8 –   12 P. McCarthy     SAC            4
9 –   9  J. Magnussen    Viking         2
10 –  35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1

CONSTRUCTORS' CHAMPIONSHIP

Code: Select all

1 –   Viking         27
2 =   Forti          18
2 =   Simtek         18
4 –   F1RM           15
5 –   Leyton House   10
6 –   EuroBrun       8
7 –   SAC            4
8 –   Dome           1

APERTURA: FIRST ROUND

As is traditional...

(1) Dagnall (DNF) v (16) McCarthy (8th)
(2) Magnussen (9th) v (15) Barbazza (DNF)
(3) Einarsson (1st) v (14) Alliot (DNQ)
(4) Délétraz (3rd) v (13) Langes (DNQ)
(5) Badoer (2nd) v (12) McNish (15th)
(6) Ide (DNF) v (11) Firman (13th)
(7) Montermini (11th) v (10) Tarquini (DNF)
(8) Apicella (12th) v (9) Chaves (DNF)


Quarter finals will be:
(16) McCarthy v (8) Apicella
(2) Magnussen v (7) Montermini
(3) Einarsson v (11) Firman
(4) Délétraz v (5) Badoer

[wmetcalf68]

Where did leyton house go?

[dinizintheoven]

...to Mexico City, with the rest of the teams?

Not sure what you're getting at there...

[wmetcalf68]

...to Mexico City, with the rest of the teams?

Not sure what you're getting at there...

Oh. I was doing this on my phone, and it didn't show leyton house!

[SuperAguri]

I was robbed, I should have got a hat full of points but I am sure Mr Aguri Suzuki was on the grassy knoll with an airgun taking pot shots at my wheels. Still how many points did Super Aguri get? None!

Shinji Nakano retired as there was a cornish pasty stuck up his rear end, we believe it was a gingsters pasty as the contents were the so hot that it melted the exhaust. Yuji Ide retired from a puncture, which is a shame as he would have got an easy podium.

Dad knows best?

News reaches us that Kazuki Nakajima may be replaced by his father Satoru Nakajima, Stefan won't give us any details but we believe for the next race Satoru will be given a chance to qualify or do better then Jacque. We do feel he can not do any worse then Kazuki.

Prince Malik makes offer for David Price Racing

Former crook, erm shareholder in Arrows has made an offer for David Price Racing, "I offered them a half eaten cheese sandwich, it is a very good swiss cheese too, this is at least worth twice as much as the current team. Although there is not tomato ketchup.". DPR were not available for comment.

Suzuki tweak engine even more

Not statisfied with a 1000bhp engine, the boffins at Suzukis engine tuning department have made an engine that will produce 1200bhp. "We are making an engine that will do well at Monza and Hockenheim. If we do not lap Viking then we would have failed.". No word if the engine will be legal for these races from the management.

[dinizintheoven]

Some choice quotes from the drivers, team owners and other personnel involved with the series:

We would advise Mr Nakano to see a doctor immediately. Driving with a Cornish pasty up your arse, even if it is a hateful Ginsters knock-off, carries very serious health risks and we recommend it neither as a measure against diarrhoea or for sexual gratification.

Hey! You kids! Get off my lawn! *waves walking stick*

Don't discount the possibility of me reviving Ferrari and Gilles Villeneuve again, and Satoru can drive for them. Imagine that! Father and son, uncle and nephew, competing against each other... now, where did I put that cheque for a million Danish kroner addressed to Kevin Magnussen...

No ketchup, no sale. And besides, we want the finest ketchup available to humanity. We want it here and we want it now.

You've failed.

Mexico awaits. Will Þorvaldur Einarsson find himself lapped by a Leyton House on his favourite circuit? Will Ginsters choose this race weekend to launch their all-new Chilli Con Carne Slice at a service station on the M4? Will Shinji Nakano get out of hospital in time for the first practice session? Will Prince Malik catch a dreadful case of stomach cramps? And will some improbable guest driver like Héctor Rebaque turn up at David Price? Stay tuned to this channel. The F1RMGP Soap Opera is sponsored by Autosport magazine, bringing you the wildest of rumours since 1763.

[dinizintheoven]

Round 2: Mexico City, Mexico
Saturday, 3 May 2014

THE GRID

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1 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         1'19.081
2 –    27 L. Badoer       Forti          1'19.735
3 –    15 H. Noda         Leyton House   1'19.810
4 –    7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    1'20.500
5 –    21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       1'20.580
6 –    28 A. Montermini   Forti          1'20.620
7 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         1'20.686
8 –    1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           1'20.744
9 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    1'20.813
10 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        1'20.929
11 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           1'21.008
12 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   1'21.535
13 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         1'21.549

Code: Select all

14 –   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           1'21.583
15 –   19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       1'21.697
16 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     1'21.705
17 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            1'22.006
18 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         1'22.128
19 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         1'22.402
20 –   26 P. Alliot       SPAM           1'22.658
21 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     1'22.697
22 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        1'22.824
23 –   12 P. McCarthy     SAC            1'22.826
24 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            1'22.859
25 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        1'23.055
26 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         1'23.093

Code: Select all

---------------- DID NOT QUALIFY ----------------
DNQ –  36 M. Apicella     Dome           1'23.098
DNQ –  32 J. Villeneuve   Stefan         1'23.160
DNQ –  4  P-H. Raphanel   AGS            1'23.644
DNQ –  35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1'23.679
DNQ –  20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       1'23.831
DNQ –  31 K. Nakajima     Stefan         1'23.906
DNQ –  22 V. Weidler      ATS Rial       1'23.943
DNQ –  37 P. Kralev       David Price    1'24.838
DNQ –  23 A. Yoong        Minardi        1'25.303
DNQ –  40 R. Teixeira     GTM            1'25.649
DNQ –  39 F. Fauzy        GTM            1'26.801
DNQ –  38 C. Hurni        David Price    1'28.348

Race two of the season, under the scorching Mexican sun... not that the man from furthest north was too put off by that, it's his favourite circuit after all. Þorvaldur Einarsson's powerful driving and powerful engine put him on pole by almost seven tenths; Luca Badoer's lap to put him in second with half the number of cylinders wasn't too shabby either, but Hideki Noda, in third, was said to be disappointed; had the Leyton House team not put too much wing on his car, he might have taken pole himself. Shinji Nakano certainly proved his worth at Super Aguri, and... what's this immediately behind? Strike me down with a feather from the world's tiniest bird if that's not the best ever grid position for an ATS Rial; it seems the Audi diesel works better on the long straights of this circuit. Andrea Montermini and Jan Magnussen may have been upstaged by their team-mates, but even do, both managed to beat Chris Dagnall and Yuji Ide, who'd both expected to be far higher up. Ralph Firman rounded out the top ten, and behind him was another diesel runner in the form of SPAM's Stéphane Sarrazin, the team recovering from a shocking start in Brazil. Leyton House's wing problems affected Bruno Giacomelli far worse, but given that he'd DNQed every race bar one in 2013, twelfth was nothing to grumble about. Paul Belmondo continued his upswing in form, rounding out the top half of the grid.

Mixed fortunes prevailed in the wrong half of the grid; Jean-Denis Délétraz really shouldn't have been 14th, with Claudio Langes just behind him... and who'd have thought last time out that Olivier Grouillard would come within just over a tenth of the current Drivers' Champion's team-mate in a much faster car? Fabrizio Barbazza was said to be stunned as he could only manage 21st. Scuderia Andrea Coloni had something to think about as well, Chaves 17th and McCarthy 23rd, but at least they had two cars in the race, unlike AGS who were saddled with only Gabriele Tarquini on the grid, PHR having dropped the ball again. Allan McNish shouldn't have been as far down as he was, Marko Asmer most likely should, given that it's only his second race, Minardi were relieved to get Esteban Tuero into the race, but the most relieved of all the teams was Spyker. Olivier Beretta wrestled a lap out of his car that was good enough for 18th, while Gregor Foitek scraped in with a last-gasp lap to take the final grid slot by five hundredths of a second. The fall guy was Marco Apicella, confining Dome to a double-DNQ and an early trip towards Montreal. Stefan also missed the cut with both cars, though Jacques Villeneuve wasn't far off; Enrico Bertaggia was the EuroBrun to fall this time, and Volker Weidler would have scored Reject Of The Race for what he did, though his limp performance was eclipsed on race day. All he did was set a banker lap then throw his car into the wall – the car was good enough for fifth place and he only has himself to blame. And, right at the back, Alex Yoong was mortified to be beaten by one of David Price's lumbering wrecks; the two GTMs and Christophe Hurni, as ever, propped up the timesheets.



CLASSIFICATION

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1 –    10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         69   1h 39'31.751
2 –    15 H. Noda         Leyton House   69   1h 40'01.882
3 –    7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    69   1h 40'57.759
4 –    8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    68   + 1 lap
5 –    9  J. Magnussen    Viking         68   + 1 lap
6 –    29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         68   + 1 lap
7 –    28 A. Montermini   Forti          68   + 1 lap
8 –    16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   68   + 1 lap
9 –    19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       68   + 1 lap
10 –   30 M. Asmer        Simtek         68   + 1 lap
11 –   5  R. Firman       Toleman        68   + 1 lap
12 –   3  G. Tarquini     AGS            67   + 2 laps
13 –   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           67   + 2 laps

Code: Select all

14 –   26 P. Alliot       SPAM           67   + 2 laps
15 –   1  C. Dagnall      F1RM           67   + 2 laps
16 –   18 F. Barbazza     Monteverdi     67   + 2 laps
17 –   11 P. Chaves       SAC            67   + 2 laps
18 –   34 O. Beretta      Spyker         67   + 2 laps
19 –   12 P. McCarthy     SAC            67   + 2 laps
20 –   24 E. Tuero        Minardi        64   + 5 laps
21 –   17 O. Grouillard   Monteverdi     55   engine
22 –   33 G. Foitek       Spyker         39   transmission
23 –   21 J. Winkelhock   ATS Rial       29   crash
24 –   25 S. Sarrazin     SPAM           17   crash
25 –   6  A. McNish       Toleman        6    suspension
26 –   27 L. Badoer       Forti          2    crash 

All hail the Emperor Of The Aztec Empire: Þorvaldur Einarsson's third consecutive victory at the Autódromo Hermanos Rodríguez confirms that, as well as his status as the driver to beat in 2014, certainly in these early stages. The start was slightly fraught; Joachim Winkelhock sneaked past Badoer, Noda and Nakano with a banzai move at the first corner that the two Japanese drivers would have been immensely proud of themselves, but Þorvaldur held him off for the lead. That lead increased as Smokin' Jo in his smoke machine did an admirable impression of the Trulli Train – only for two laps, but the damage was done as the Viking streaked off into the distance, and the others showed their anger by barging the German right down to twelfth with some highly questionable moves, the first of which cost Luca Badoer his place in the race and left the Japanese to take on the charging Icelander. However, for the others, the measure of how badly they were going to be beaten came around laps 21-22, when everyone pitted for fuel... except Þorvaldur, who'd filled the tank at the start and whose blistering early laps had been set while he was fat with fuel. And that, as they say, was that, as his competitors instantly lost a further 30 seconds. But it wasn't all doom and gloom; the last dramatic incident of the race was where Olivier Grouillard's (Japanese) engine exploded and sprayed oil in Hideki Noda's face while he was running second; he held it together, wiped his visor, and brought his car home in second, with Shinji Nakano almost a minute behind him; Þorvaldur was courteous enough to slow down in his last lap so Nakano could finish on the lead lap and they would all be friends on the podium. Noda and Nakano, in their second races, celebrated wildly – a podium, a trophy and instant unrejectification for both.

Yuji Ide had to be second best to his team-mate today, but fourth was just fine given that these were Super Aguri's first points of the season; Jan Magnussen, lapped like Ide, almost grudgingly let his team-mate through, and he's 38 points behind in the Championship already. Rounding out the points were Paul Belmondo – who is, amazingly, second in the Championship now, Andrea Montermini, the sole Forti to finish, Bruno Giacomelli, scoring more points for Leyton House, Claudio Langes, putting EuroBrun's Friday misery to bed, and Marko Asmer – two races, two points-scoring positions, job being done well so far. Eleventh, and out of the points, was Ralph Firman, the last driver to be lapped once. And so, amongst the twice-lapped runners, we find our Reject Of The Race. Gabriele Tarquini had had a miserable Friday in a car that is looking frighteningly underpowered given the team's expectations, but quite the reverse can be said of F1RM; Autosport reported that their PURE engine was "pure bathplug", and Chris Dagnall proved that not to be true in testing. So how in HWNSNBM's name did they manage to end up two laps down, behind Tarquini, and with Philippe Alliot between them, blowing diesel smoke in Chris Dagnall's face? It's a load of head-scratching for this squad, and a Reject Of The Race award is what they need to be the motivation to sharpen up their act. Scuderia Andrea Coloni are also thought to be a bit short on horsepower, which may explain how they turned in a poor performance to finish behind Barbazza's Monteverdi and with Olivier Beretta, having his first F1RMGP start, between them. Perry McCarthy was the last finisher, although not the last to be classified as Esteban Tuero retired before the chequered flag and was classified five laps down. Bits of broken gearbox casing provided the clue to his demise.

Luca Badoer had been the first to retire, his rough treatment of Joachim Winkelhock going horribly wrong, and he cursed his poor judgement as he sat in the gravel trap on lap three. Allan McNish soon followed as his suspension shattered alarmingly, and all was calm for a while; Stéphane Sarrazin had been running easily in the top ten, and had passed Winkelhock for top diesel honours, but run straight on at the first corner and hit the tyre wall. As for Winkelhock, his desperation to make up time after the harsh treatment he'd been given on the opening laps got the better of him, and on lap 30 he misjudged Peraltada and slid off at high speed into the barriers. On exiting his car he vowed to repay those who had tried to punish him for daring to be fast – watch out in Canada, everyone up the front. Günther Schmidt wasn't exactly complimentary about those same drivers, either. Gregor Foitek's desperate dash to make the grid on Friday all ended up in vain as his driveshaft snapped, but cheered Beretta home from the pit wall, this being Spyker's first finish. And finally, the saga of Olivier Grouillard's engine we know about... HKS released a press statement expressing their shame and dishonour for almost taking one of their compatriots out of second place, and said it would never happen again.



DRIVERS' CHAMPIONSHIP

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1 –   10 Þ. Einarsson    Viking         50
2 –   29 P. Belmondo     Simtek         20
3 =   15 H. Noda         Leyton House   18
3 =   27 L. Badoer       Forti          18
5 =   7  S. Nakano       Super Aguri    15
5 =   2  J-D. Délétraz   F1RM           15
7 –   16 B. Giacomelli   Leyton House   14
8 =   8  Y. Ide          Super Aguri    12
8 =   9  J. Magnussen    Viking         12
10 –  20 E. Bertaggia    EuroBrun       8
11 –  30 M. Asmer        Simtek         7
12 –  28 A. Montermini   Forti          6
13 –  12 P. McCarthy     SAC            4

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14 –  19 C. Langes       EuroBrun       2
15 –  35 E. Naspetti     Dome           1

CONSTRUCTORS' CHAMPIONSHIP

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1 –   Viking         62
2 –   Leyton House   32
3 =   Simtek         27
3 =   Super Aguri    27
5 –   Forti          24
6 –   F1RM           15
7 –   EuroBrun       10
8 –   SAC            4
9 –   Dome           1

APERTURA: QUARTER FINALS

(16) McCarthy (19th) v (8) Apicella (DNQ)
(2) Magnussen (5th) v (7) Montermini (7th)
(3) Einarsson (1st) v (11) Firman (11th)
(4) Délétraz (13th) v (5) Badoer (DNF)

The semis will be:

(16) McCarthy v (4) Délétraz
(2) Magnussen v (3) Einarsson

[FMecha]

F1RM CONSIDERING DROPPING PURE ENGINE?

Following F1RM failure to win the last two races, F1RM is reportedly rumored to drop the PURE engine if the result did not go better. "We are bathplugged up with the engine, and Viking has beaten us now!", said a engineer from the F1RM team, during press confrence after the Mexican GP. The team have yet to confirm this.

What is F1RM doing?