So, let's shake things up a bit...
Infiniti Red Bull - Renault1. Sebastian Vettel
2. Kamui Kobayashi
Mark Webber abruptly retires, citing that he no longer wants to play third clarinet to a constant chorus of "YES BABY! THAT'S VOT I'M TALKING ABOUT! *finger* *finger* *finger*" and complete disdain from Helmut Marko. The team realise their mistreatment of him and agree to shove a load of money into the Holden he's decided to drive in V8 Supercars. Meanwhile, Kamui Kobayashi is handed a lifeline as everyone at the team realises that his banzai potential might make the team a bit more popular while the Golden Boy destroys everyone else at the head of the field... again.
McLaren - Mercedes3. Jenson Button
4. Nico Hülkenberg
The returning CarlosFerreira called it; McLaren get cold feet about Sergio Pérez and decide that Nico Hülkenberg is worth a punt instead. Pérez is told he is given a "promotion" which seems like a good deal until he finds out where it is...
Ferrari5. Fernando Alonso
6. Jules Bianchi
Captain Eyebrows found his true home at Ferrari, so he'll never be going anywhere. Meanwhile, Ferrari abruptly break their policy of "no inexperienced drivers", shaft Felipe Massa in a way that Caterham did to Jarno Trulli, and bring Jules Bianchi back from Force India. Everyone wonders if he'll be up to the job.
Ice One Racing - Renault7. Kimi Räikkönen
8. James Calado
The mistreatment of the good name of Lotus is finally ended, and with the Enstone management looking to rebrand the team without just calling it "Enstone", in a rare moment of inspiration, Kimi suggests the team is named after the outfit he put together to go rallying. They get all sorts of groovy-funky-way-cool-dude sponsors from all forms of X Games type extreme sports in a direct attempt to compete for the "who's got the coolest moving energy drinks can" title. The car is painted in a garish black and green livery not a million miles away from
the latest F1RMGP car. Concerns about Rrrrmmmnnn Grrrrjjjjnnn escalate to the point where James Calado is promoted from ART in GP2, which is renamed Ice Two Racing.
AMG - Mercedes9. Nico Rosberg
10. Sergio Pérez
So where's Lewis Hamilton, I hear you ask? You'll see. Meanwhile, this is the "promotion" that Checo was given from McLaren. Effectively, McLaren reverted to being the works team after the Merc bigwigs decided to withdraw full manufacturer support after the disastrous end to the 2012 season. Britney Spears is kept on for continuity, but the team can't afford Lewis Hamilton's salary, especially after losing Monster to Ice One (because their logo fits better with the Ice One livery). It'll be an uphill struggle, but won't be anywhere near as bad as Honda's last two seasons.
Sauber - Ferrari11. Heikki Kovalainen
12. Timo Glock
Nico Hülkenberg was lost to McLaren when they came unexpectedly calling, and Esteban Gutiérrez has been told he'll have to sit on the sidelines for another year. They keep the Telmex money by running him in GP2 in the interim (at a new Mexican-run team), and decide experience is better than youth, recruiting two drivers who have had to take three years of back-of-the-grid pain. So Heikki Kovalainen and Timo Glock are rescued from their pointless misery, but are expected to deliver as many points as Kobayashi and Pérez did in 2012, if not a lot more: beating AMG will be paramount.
Sahara Force India - Mercedes14. Jaime Alguersuari
15. Rrrrrmmmnnn Grrrrjjjnnn
Vijay Mallaya managed to magic a whole pile of money out of nowhere, possibly involving some excess cash from all the sponsors plastered over Ice One's car, given that they've been chosen as the team to farm Rrrrrmmmnnn Grrrrjjjjnnn out to. Hopefully he'll be fast but consistent, and won't cost Force India too many repair bills. Meanwhile, they'll have a pile of extra tyre data after the open secret that was Jaime Alguersuari's recruitment to the team turned out to be true.
Williams - Renault16. Lewis Hamilton
17. Valtteri Bottas
Lewis immediately had second thoughts about his move to Mercedes the minute he left the McLaren garage, and when the carpet was pulled out from under him with the AMG switch, he wondered if he had anywhere to go. "You know, Lewis, here's a good idea..." said an unknown journalist. "Sign for Williams. Think about it: a British former world champion joining the Williams Renault combination and taking them back to the top where they were in the days of Nigel Mansell, and stopping the relentless march of Red Bull in the process? Even the tifosi on the Autosport forums might stop calling for your head if you can do that. Plus, the FW34 would have scored more than just that one win in the hands of a top driver, and I hear the FW35 is going to be even better..." So Williams decided the amount of prize money they could get from signing Lewis would more than offset the loss of Pastor Maldonado's millions, and Valtteri Bottas could learn from the 2008 champion. Watch this space...
Venezuela GP Lazarus - Ferrari18. Pastor Maldonado
19. Felipe Massa
Toro Rosso is bought out... again. The money comes from PDVSA, the team is rebranded as Venezuela GP Lazarus, the team's shocking debut in GP2 notwithstanding, the base stays at Faenza, and with that PDVSA money instead of Red Bull backing, Messrs. Ricciardo and Vergne are shown the door and replaced by Pastor Maldonado - who else? - and Felipe Massa, providing the experience the team need to get off the ground on their own terms. Freed from the shackles of being number two at Ferrari, it's thought that Massa's upswing in form at the end of 2012 might bring better fortunes than the team had as Toro Rosso - at least once Sebastian Vettel had been given his promotion. Andm of course, Maldonado knows how to win races as well...
Caterham - Renault20. Vitaly Petrov
21. Charles Pic
A year-old Red Bull gearbox and rear suspension, the latest Renault engine, but put that in a Caterham bodyshell and will it fail again? We will see. If they promise to deliver a point and fight with the midfield this time round and still end up a second and a half off the back of that pack, they'll get a good kicking. They might also really regret testing Heikki Kovalainen's patience to breaking point.
Marussia - Mercedes22. Max Chilton
23. Robert Wickens
So, the Cosworth engine is gone, the Xtrac gearbox is gone, hello Mercedes engine due to that technical partnership with McLaren, as well as the gearbox and rear suspension from the MP4-27 - much the way Red Bull are doing with Caterham. The green Malaysians beat them to that all-important 10th place right at the end of 2012, but they're not worried, as in comes Max Chilton with his Aon money - they can sponsor Manchester United and still throw cash at the former Virgins, and hopes are high that it'll all finally come together this year. Plus, with the departure of Timo Glock to Sauber, they've issued a grovelling apology to Robert Wickens and begged him to drive with the promise that they'll be fighting with the midfield pack this year. But... will they?
Zhejiang Geely Holding Group - Ferrari24. Pedro de la Rosa
25. Ma Qing-Hua
Promises of a bottomless pit of Chinese cash saved HRT at the last moment, and now the 2013 car is positively awash with sponsors that nobody who isn't Chinese can read. Direct involvement of the Chinese communist party is also suspected. They've honoured Pedro de la Rosa's HRT contract, Ma Qing-Hua obviously got the nod for the second seat, but the team appears to be managed as corporately as Toyota was and that isn't a good sign, nor is the obvious fact that none of the new bigwigs at the team have any idea about how a racing team should be run or built up from where HRT were last year. Last again, and a full profile on F1 Rejects beckons. Ferrari got the engine contract, rather grudingly, as Cosworth are gone, and Mercedes and Renault both have four teams each.
