Alt-Mario Kart 1999: Mario Comes Home

[Rob Dylan]

It has been quite a few successful years for Wario Jumpman. Now a five-time world champion, he famously quipped in the Autumn of 1998 that he would retire the moment he did not win the world championship. That time does not look to be coming soon, as he seemed simply unstoppable last season, dominating his teammate and only challenged on occasion by a resurgent Mitsuyoshi and new weight penalties that affect the performance of the winning team.

1999 looks to be an interesting one, as the continuation of these rules for a fourth consecutive year promises much closer racing than we have had before. Shall BMW's reign of success continue, or shall a new name take the crown? Let's get the new season started!

News
The biggest piece of news in the off-season is that Foreman Spike has announced his retirement from Alt-Mario Kart, along with the dissolution of his Hammer Bros. Racing Team team. The owners have been in talks with the MIA, who have now given the keys to a new owner. We can proudly announce that the new owner is none other than Funky Kong! In a dramatic quitting of Diddy Kong Racing, where he is a race winner, he is new owner of an as-of-yet-unnammed team to take the place of HBRT. What Funky does promise is that it will be "the fun team" of Alt-Mario Kart. Let's see if that's true!

The silly season is about to get underway, and we really don't know who will be where when the music stops. Talks are that Para Troopa is on his way out of Mitsuyoshi, while Baby Luigi may be making yet another comeback with a certain struggling team... And who knows what Funky Kong might decide upon for his opening lineup.

On the other side of the world, Mario Mario is coming home. Bringing his beautiful golden trophy to his new palace in Donkey Kong Country, he is more than ready to defend his title in the new year. What changes shall await our least beloved hero in 1999?


The Entry List
Bowser Motor Works
#1 Wario Jumpman
#2 Para Troopa
Mitsuyoshi Buntai
#3 Dixie Kong
#4 Birdetta Birdo
Scuderia Sarasaland Squadron Luigier Team
#5 Daisy von Sarasaland
#6 Luigi Mario
Koopra Sport
#7 Larry Koopaling
#8 Kokkoro Toudou
Peachific
#9 Toad Toadstool
#10 Peach Toadstool
Kameklaren
#11 King Bobomb
#12 Mark Wiggler (Rs 2-7, 9-10, 13-16) / Luigi von Sarasaland (Rs 1, 8, 11-12)
Scuderia Barile Ardente
#14 Funky Kong
#15 Conker T. Squirrel


The Calendar
Mushroom Cup: Luigi Raceway; Moo Moo Farm; Koopa Troopa Beach; Kalimari Desert
Flower Cup: Toad's Turnpike; Frappe Snowland; Choco Mountain; Mario Raceway
Star Cup: Wario Stadium; Sherbet Land; Royal Raceway; Bowser's Castle
Special Cup: DK's Jungle Parkway; Yoshi Valley; Banshee Boardwalk; Rainbow Road

The calendar remains the same as it did last year, and will continue as such for the coming years.

All official updates etc will be on this spreadsheet here.

[Rob Dylan]

Funky Kong's team name has been named Scuderia Barile Ardente. No line-up yet announced,

Meanwhile in SSL, Luigi Mario and Daisy von Sarasaland announce they will be keeping their seats at their own team which they run.

[Kinnikuniverse]

Kameklaren returns

[Nessafox]

Peachific returns and will drive herself, baby mario will be the rest-and-reserve driver, and if Toad wants to stay, we gladly keep him on board.

[Rob Dylan]

BMW makes a big announcement! Lewis Hammerton has been dropped from the #2 seat and replaced by none other than MKDA representative Para Troopa! Shocking news indeed, as Mitsuyoshi's former star driver has somehow failed upwards into the championship-winning team. Can he iron out his unpredictability and take the fight to Wario? We shall see!

On a completely unrelated note, Para Troopa has announced that all team weight penalties are being dropped for the 1999 season

[Rob Dylan]

Mitsuyoshi themselves announce their lineup: while keeping star driver Dixie Kong, they have filled the second seat with Birdetta Birdo, meaning an all-female lineup for 1999.

Peachific have been able to retain the services of Toad, and so will run their 1998 lineup again.

Kameklaren have cut a deal with the SSL team. Keeping King Bobomb in the main seat, they have hired Mark Wiggler for the second seat, although with Baby Luigi von Sarasaland running the #2 kart for the purpose-built circuit races.

[Rob Dylan]

Scuderia Barile Ardente are announcing that its owner Funky Kong will drive the lead kart, while partnering him in the second kart will be Conker T. Squirrel, who has been handed a lifeline after recently not having his Kameklaren contract renewed.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, the organisers of Diddy Kong Racing have been putting together a plan to make the opening round, at Donut Plains in the Mushroom Kingdom, into an international event. Extending the olive branch, they have managed to attract the likes of Kamek Magikoopa and Koopa Troopa to attend the one-off event which is also part of the Diddy Kong Racing championship of 1999. Other announcements for the series have been the shock move of Lewis Hammerton to the championship, presumably full-time, while he searches for a Mario Kart drive in 2000.

The first race of the season will be under way soon enough!

[Rob Dylan]

Diddy Kong Racing Round 1 - Donut Plains

The opening race of the year took place as the now-annual exhibition event for Diddy Kong Racing. Held at Donut Plains, it is the only DKR race held outside of Donkey Kong Country. Many celebrities were plucked out for the event: Kamek Magikoopa and Koopa Troopa were both encouraged to attend and did so. Lewis Hammerton, outgoing Mario Kart driver, is signed up for the full DKR season this year, while Baby Mario has also been hired for a full-time drive.


In practice, the race itself was interminably dull. Kamek, Baby and Bluesaurus were all deemed too slow to be allowed to participate, after the blistering pace set by Mario and the other frontrunners. Mario took pole and led away from the start. A first-corner collision between Diddy Kong and Lewis Hammerton saw the former break all of his limbs and have to retire from racing for the rest of his life. The rest of the race saw virtually no overtakes, but it did see Mario win on home soil. That much was positive?

It was a shocking start to the season, and there was a great period of mourning for the loss of Diddy Kong from the racing scene. His memory is being upheld, although whether he will return to public life remains as-of-yet unseen.

[Rob Dylan]

Mario Kart - Pre-Season Testing

It was a clear and sunny day when the drivers came out for pre-season testing at the Mario Raceway circuit in the Mushroom Kingdom. This was the first time the crowd were able to get a look at this year's new machines as well as their new drivers. Well, at least most of them! Reliability was an issue, certainly further down the field, with Mark Wiggler spending most of his day in the pitlane eating a sandwich.

The mood was generally somber regarding the recent news of Diddy Kong's terrible crash. Parallels were drawn between him and his uncle, Donkard Kong Jr., who suffered a similar fate at the very same track five years ago.

Mariosport Magazine even ran a headline piece entitled "Fast? Pure?" with the words scratched out and replaced with

"Farce! Poor!"

and a full double-page spread accusing Mario Mario and his MMA authority system of deliberately providing poor machinery, and being directly involved in his own success as a result. While the series advertises itself as a fair and even playing field, is this really the case?



Daisy von Sarasaland topped the session, which surprised a great number of people. Redsaurus, team principal of Mitsuyoshi, had promised great things for this season, but little came of the session in terms of wowing pace. BMW were still showing deadly pace, with Para Troopa just as fast as the five-time champion Wario Jumpman.

Whether the midfield teams like Peachific or Koopra Sport can bridge that gap to the front remains to be seen for the opening round.

[Rob Dylan]

Mushroom Cup

The 1999 season got off to a standard start, with Wario Jumpman taking an easy lights-to-flag victory. There was hope at home for Luigi, although he borked it in qualifying and was only good enough to recover to fourth position. It seemed like Jumpman was on course for further unperturbed glory, except when at Moo Moo Farm, Dixie Kong was able to magnificently pass her way to a strong victory ahead of polesitter Luigi. With Wario retiring and well down the order, it meant that for the first time in two years he was not leading the championship. While Dixie was almost unbeatable at Koopa Troopa Beach, the fighting behind got very intense, with a wonderful drive from Para Troopa to second while Luigi blundered and Birdo crashed into the big rock. While BMW are fast, it seems that Mitsuyoshi and Dixie are faster! With the pressure on not one, not two, but on three pairs of drivers to suddenly fight for this championship, we saw some intense struggles.

The Cup closed at Kalimari Desert, which saw Daisy expertly pass Dixie on the back straight to her first win in five years! The running order was very confusing by the end of it all: Dixie had taken the strongest ever Cup victory, but it seemed for sure that she had at least four, maybe five serious contenders for that crown. The big question was whether her consistency would outrank the occasional good race of her rivals.

[Rob Dylan]

Diddy Kong Racing - Rounds 2 to 5

DKR worked very much in Mario's favour for the following rounds. By sheer coincidence his closest rival DK3 was the only retirement at the first event, while very little of interest happened. Lewis Hammerton continued to suffer the ignominy of pointless finishes while Mario sailed into the distance. One event was marred by a DSQ that was of little significance, while the top three, those three being DK3, Pipsy, and Pipsy, took those top three positions almost every time. On Round 4, Mario's poor qualifying allowed for Drum Stick to take a shock win ahead of the other two, while Pipsy was disqualified to allow Mario onto the podium due to unusual octane levels in her fuel system.

To end the rather dull affair of this set of races, Mario took another uncontested win at Hot Top Volcano, but tragedy struck two drivers: B. Lakitu, who was acting as both driver and the camera man, and Drum Stick, who sadly burned off all of his feathers in the lava. While Lakitu was thankfully only just slightly burned and able to return to racing next year, Drum Stick was not so lucky, and will never drive in anger again.

The tragedy marks three major accidents for drivers in five races for the series.

[Rob Dylan]

Flower Cup

The Mario Kart season was about to be turned on its head again. While Dixie Kong entered it with a massive lead, she did not leave it with one. Luigi dominated at Toad's Turnpike to put himself as the clear runner-up in the fight for the title, while Dixie qualified poorly and BMW did their best to fluff up the event. At Frappe Snowland, both Mitsuyoshis crashed out in serious fights with the SSLs, while Wario was having a torrid time of it all. With high attrition, Daisy won again to the two Peachifics, which was a welcome event for the team that is fighting for best of the rest after the first three.

Choco Mountain saw even higher attrition, except this time it was Birdo who held the advantage throughout the whole weekend. She took a lights to flag victory when almost everyone else faltered. Her teammate Dixie took second and extended her championship lead, and now it really wasn't so clear which of the top four was going to be taking 1999. Then at Mario Raceway, a track everyone knew well, Dixie was again caught out during the race and crashed early on. Para Troopa was again unreliable and went into the gravel trap. Daisy again won and was suddenly only three points behind Dixie overall - what a turnaround! It was now two SSLs and a Mitsuyoshi with all the advantage against Dixie, while BMW sat squalidly behind them all.





What a season this is turning out to be!

[Rob Dylan]

Diddy Kong Racing - Rounds 6 to 9

The summer brought further pain to an already-tormented Diddy Kong Racing championship. While for the first main batch of rounds, Mario had promised the "best-ever" lineup of drivers in terms of quality, by the summer things just looked desperate. The crowd were up to their balls in Kongs and Koopaling siblings, while the ever-dwindling number of karts got smaller. With B. Lakitu out, there were only 13 entrants for the remaining rounds.

Mario himself had only a very good stint, with bad qualifying turning into brilliant recovery drives. Pipsy Astromouse was the primary benefactor, although Morton Koopaling Jr. showed excellent pace if not for poor luck. By the time of Round 9, Pipsy had done so well that she had overtaken Mario Mario in the standings! Unfortunately, she was DSQd for having too high an octane level of fuel in her kart. On top of this, she was DSQd for the final two rounds of the season for bringing the sport into disrepute.

What all this did was put Mario Mario back at the top of the standings. He then proceeded, after a certain incident in Round 9, to cancel the remaining two rounds, which effectively made him 1999 Diddy Kong Racing champion! How convenient!

However, it came at the cost of one Lewis Hammerton. At the ninth and final round, his kart threw him headfirst into a wooden house, leaving him dead. He is the latest driver to be injured or die this year - four such incidents in nine races. He will be greatly missed from the racing scene.

[Rob Dylan]

Star Cup

And if the Flower Cup wasn't crazy enough, then it was up to the Star Cup to throw everything even more up into the air with only the final Cup remaining. Wario was on the front row at his home race, which was preceded by a two-minute silence for Jumpman's former teammate Lewis Hammerton, who died over the summer. Wario's race went south and he was overtaken by a brilliant Larry Koopaling, while Luigi was strong in putting himself up into serious championship contention.

At Sherbet Land the crowd were really treated. Daisy had been on pole, but after being harrassed by Wario for a great deal of the race, she slid into the wall, allowing Wario past. Wario then proceeded to bin it by hitting a penguin. Para Troopa, who had inherited the lead after a great start, then dumped it on the ice as well! This led to the most unexpected winner of the year: Kokkoro Toudou took an incredible win and the first for Koopra Sport this year. Birdetta and Dixie brought up the points for Mitsuyoshi after a dry spell.

Wario took pole for Royal Raceway, the first race for which Baby Luigi actually qualified! However, Jumpman was punted off by his teammate Para Troopa, who at least had the good decency to win the race. Luigi took a great second to equalise himself with Dixie in the standings. Birdo too, with her third place, was also now within a win of her teammate Dixie.

At Bowser's Castle, the eponymous Koopa King saw his driver start and finish in 1-2. It was like the good old days as Para took his team to a second consecutive win. After accidents from all the top four standings members, we now had a situation where BMW were actually seriously catching the front two teams. Are we going from a four-way, to a six-way fight for this year's championship? Let's find out when this series ends!

[Rob Dylan]

Special Cup

And so things came to an end. One of the closest seasons in Mario Kart history had a rather interesting climax, starting with DK Jungle Parkway. Para Troopa looked set to dominate after a brilliant Saturday pole. Luigi was very close to overtaking him when they both smashed each other going over the bridge, in an incident that was later deemed to be Luigi's fault. Wario picked up the pieces ahead of Dixie Kong, who challenged him all the way to the end. Attrition was so great that only four finishers made it, with Peachific taking up third and fourth.

Yoshi's Valley caused the expected chaos, as half the field got either lost or crushed beneath the giant egg. Dixie Kong, spurred on by her second place last time out, was suddenly again on top form to take pole, win and fastest lap ahead of the camera kart of all people. Wario, who had almost crashed earlier and fallen to the back, was even able to grab a point over the line. We saw Scuderia Barile Ardente's first points when Funky took third place and placed themselves ahead of Kameklaren in the standings.

SBA's fortunes continued at Banshee Boardwalk as Conker took fourth place in the end. Dixie Kong had a brilliant lead and could have taken the championship here. She did, as SSL's drivers both binned it in the water in desperation very early on. Para Troopa won unchallenged, while Larry threw away a win opportunity with a bad mistake. Therefore, Dixie Kong became the 1999 Mario Kart champion with a race to go.

This meant that the pressure was off everyone for the season closer at Rainbow Road. Luigi was on form all the time, and took pole and the win. His win itself though was not easy, as he had Dixie and Wario (the three world champions indeed) at a photo finish by the season end. With low attrition, it was a surprisingly stress-free season finale, with Mitsuyoshi taking their first constructors' championship at the end of the year.

Final Season Standings

[Frogfoot9013]

We are very pleased to announce the inauguration of the Diddy Kong Racing Hall of Fame, where the true Legends of the Sport are honoured. An independent panel of judges has voted on the inaugural class for the series, and three candidates were elected to the Hall of Fame. These are as follows: Mario Mario, the two-time champion and the most successful driver in the history of racing, Diddy Kong, the great founder of the series, who is sadly paralysed after a devastating injury at Donut Plains at the start of the year, and DK III, the megastar whose electrifying racing has won him a legion of adoring fans. All three now have the right to call themselves Legends.

[Rob Dylan]

An Unclean, Impure Form of Racing
by Koopa McKoopaFace


Contrary to series co-runner Mario Mario's claim that Diddy Kong Racing has the best drivers on the planet in the purest, cleanest form of racing, this magazine understands differently. Certain unnamed drivers have come forward who paint a different picture of the series from the inside: staggering differences in equipment, blatant ignorance of basic safety standards, and a whole series set up to benefit a single driver or two.

[Article continues...]

When asked if they thought Mario Mario himself was doping to achieve the results he has, the interviewee could not rule out the possibility. "Some people will do anything to win, no matter what the cost. Most of us got into Diddy Kong Racing because we believed it was something a little above that. Apparently not."

[Article continues...]

This internal worry has left the series runners, one of whom themselves is paralysed and has fled from public life, facing a boycott from their dwindling list of interested drivers in the upcoming season. Donut Plains, the now regular series opening circuit, has effectively been condemned by the MIA and other international racing bodies, and now DKR drivers are having their voices heard too. We all know Mario will turn up and win in front of his cult of adoring fans early next year. That seems an inevitability. The question is: will anyone else turn up?

[Rob Dylan]

Wario Jumpman to take Sabbatical in 2000

Star reporter Goom B. Anderson had a sit-down interview with the outgoing world champion on Sunday afternoon. Jumpman had famously announced in the summer of 1998 that the first season didn't win would be his last. Not content even with second, he has kept by his promise and announces his retirement after a glittering eight-year career.

Asked about the future, Wario has stated his plans for running his own team one day, either from purchasing or from scratch. But it will not be next year. Mr. Jumpman plans to spend a well earned rest doing some off-piste skiing while mentoring young drivers, such as the up and coming Waluigi who has morphed into existence over the off-season break.

We'll check back in with him in 2001 and see then what the future holds.

[Frogfoot9013]

An Unclean, Impure Form of Racing
by Koopa McKoopaFace


Contrary to series co-runner Mario Mario's claim that Diddy Kong Racing has the best drivers on the planet in the purest, cleanest form of racing, this magazine understands differently. Certain unnamed drivers have come forward who paint a different picture of the series from the inside: staggering differences in equipment, blatant ignorance of basic safety standards, and a whole series set up to benefit a single driver or two.

[Article continues...]

When asked if they thought Mario Mario himself was doping to achieve the results he has, the interviewee could not rule out the possibility. "Some people will do anything to win, no matter what the cost. Most of us got into Diddy Kong Racing because we believed it was something a little above that. Apparently not."

[Article continues...]

This internal worry has left the series runners, one of whom themselves is paralysed and has fled from public life, facing a boycott from their dwindling list of interested drivers in the upcoming season. Donut Plains, the now regular series opening circuit, has effectively been condemned by the MIA and other international racing bodies, and now DKR drivers are having their voices heard too. We all know Mario will turn up and win in front of his cult of adoring fans early next year. That seems an inevitability. The question is: will anyone else turn up?

I vehemently deny all of these slanderous accusations directed towards the series. Diddy Kong Racing maintains the highest standards of professionalism and rigorous safety standards are enforced. The accusations about unequal machinery are false - I personally supervise the kart maintenance to ensure the highest quality of product. The rumours of a boycott are categorically false as well - in fact, never before has there been such interest from drivers in participating in the series. The race officiating is conducted to only the highest standard, and there is no bias involved whatsoever - it is far fairer than the rampantly political and biased judging in Mario Kart.
As for the personal accusations directed at me, I am no cheater. I wasn't using illegal fuel at Frosty Village, unlike a certain repeat offender who now has a two-race ban to serve. I have always maintained a very strong sense of honour and I would never stoop so low as to manipulate the outcome of races to satiate my ego.
The accusations that I am doping are completely ludicrous - to even fathom the thought is libellous. The simple truth is that I outwork everyone. But when you perform at a higher level in a race, you get questions about doping.

[Rob Dylan]

Somewhere, a goomba sits at home drinking beer watching the Mario Kart highlights, lamenting at the state of sports discourse in the Mushroom Kingdom.