F1 Rejects Microprose Grand Prix Series: the 2013 season

[dinizintheoven]

The end-of-season presentation ceremony: the trophies are named

For the previous two years, it was the legendary HWNSNBM who held the Drivers' Championship trophy at the end of the season. This year, it was the man he had effectively hand-picked as his replacement, Chris Dagnall. But this year, there was an extra name on the trophy, after the Series Management's competition to suggest a suitable candidate to be honoured in its presentation; the trophy had just arrived from an Adelaide engraver's before the race. And so, Daggers was awarded the newly-named Carel Godin de Beaufort Cup. The Dutch nobleman competed in 31 F1 championship races, started 28 of them, usually in a bright orange Porsche, and scored four sixth places – a little bit more than enough to unrejectify himself. For extra rejectfulness, he competed in 22 non-championship races where he picked up his best results – two seconds and a third, along with one pole position. And then there's the added eccentricity that saw him drive in bare feet, or drive in practice wearing a Beatles wig instead of his helmet. Unfortunately, that same race where his wig entertained the crowd would be his last, as he suffered a fatal crash later in practice, his ancient car finally screaming that enough was enough and taking him to Motor Racing Valhalla with it. And though, as I say, he managed to escape rejectdom, with those results in the same two seasons that he scored his two DNQs:
"He properly embodied the true reject spirit: he did not have the talent or equipment necessary to become a great name of the sport, but competed anyway for the sheer love of it." – BlindCaveSalamander

Also highly commended for being in the running for the trophy name is Johnny Dumfries, also a nobleman who was quite fortunately landed with a competitive drive for the 1986 season – alongside Ayrton Senna. Johnny did just enough to unrejectify himself, and hence was one of the original "Lucky Bastards" on the F1 Rejects main site, and let's not forget he managed a DNQ at Monaco in the same car that Senna racked up eight pole positions and two wins with. But, in the end, Johnny did go on to win the prestigious Le Mans 24 Hour race in 1988, and Carel Godin de Beaufort never had that chance.

With Jan Magnussen winning the race in Australia, Stefan Johansson was also on the podium to pick up the Constructors' Championship trophy for Viking Racing – retained from the previous season. This was named the Willi Kauhsen Cup, after the German constructor who tried to enter F1 in the 1970s by designing his own version of the all-conquering Lotus 79. Not only did this venture fail, but it failed so badly that the Kauhsen cars only entered two races, bombing spectacularly both times and ensuring prime reject status for Gianfranco Brancatelli in the process. Then, in what is quite possibly the most rejectful inter-team deal ever struck in the history of F1, Arturo Merzario decided that buying these awful cars to use for his own team would be the way forward... and to nobody's surprise, it wasn't. With the Lotus connection firmly established in the origins of the Kauhsen team, this is truly F1RMGP's answer to the original Colin Chapman Trophy for the normally-aspirated (and hence instant reject) F1 teams in the 1987 season.

A special commendation goes to Connaught Engineering who came within a whisker of being the name immortalised on the trophy. So their story goes, they could be said to have spanned everything from should-have-been-champions to hopeless rejects. At the top end, Stirling Moss drove a Connaught Type A at two races, and Stuart Lewis-Evans, who might have been champion one day had he not been killed in action, scored a fourth place and unrejectified himself at his first ever Grand Prix, driving a Type B. At the reject end, the Type A was driven by reject hero Johnny Claes in four races in 1953, and the Type B was used for a one-off by amusingly-named profiled reject, Desmond Titterington, in 1956. But perhaps the biggest reject statistic of all for Connaught was how their fortunes lurched violently up and down; the team unrejectified themselves in their first ever race with 4th and 5th at Silverstone in 1952, then failed to score another point for three years. Finaly scoring again in 1956 and 1957, when the Constructors' Championship was first started in 1958, the Type B was ageing rapidly and the team racked up their first ever DNQs – scoring no points in 1958 with three DNQs out of five entries, then when the Type C was only entered for one race in 1959, that race ended in retirement. The final piece of rejectdom came in 2004, with the foundation of the Connaught Motor Company, who made the bonkers Type D – a 2.0-litre V10 engine enclosed in a body with a grotesquely ugly face.

[Aerospeed]

What a way to end that season!

[dinizintheoven]

Now for those all-important tables, which I've made PNG images of for this thread. I'll turn them into Wiki pages soon enough.

For anyone reading this in 1280×800 (or smaller), the tables are all intact, it's just that the restricted width of the screen cuts off the important columns on the right - right click and select "Copy image location" and paste it into a new window to see the full image.

[dinizintheoven]

EXTREMELY SERIOUS REAL LIFE INTERLUDE

A couple of days ago, I was going to write something expressing my mild disappointment that I'd only had one comment about the quite frankly thrilling end to the season, including nothing at all from he who now owes me a lot of popcorn. Then I realised I'd posted the finale on 16th October, before going on to read the Stoddart and JDD forums several hours later. That is when I read about the death of Dan Wheldon, and I figured that with the depth of feeling on those forums, which has so far resulted in one long-time forum member dropping all contact with motorsport (never saw that coming, really I didn't, and I assure you this is not sarcasm), maybe the appetite for alternative championships had taken something of a hit. Hence, I held off posting any Silly Season News here, or starting the Women's European Cup.

But - F1RWRS is still going strong, as I'd expect, and having looked through the latest posts - the thought as to whether or not it's "too early to be naming trophies, series, etc in Dan Wheldon's memory" crossed my mind, and F1RWRS has said no, it is not too early, and that was my number one concern about whether it was also too early or not for me (or SuperAguri, The Masked Lapwing, etc) to start posting frivolous rumours in the F1RMGP world - given that I have used two deceased drivers and two deceased team bosses in this series, with another driver about to start in the WEC. The Johnny Claes Memorial Award is still being updated, the Grand Prix 2 Championship's revival is working, 1950's F1 season is still being re-imagined (though what Good Old Tazio would make of tommykl's treatment of His Greatness, I don't know...) and I never quite worked out who Alex Katajamäki was or is, but his alternative career is still back on the tracks.

So it's time to confirm it. F1RMGP will most definitely continue, and so I will start posting 2013/14 Silly Season News. The Women's European Cup will commence after some important pieces of Silly Season News have been revealed.

--- END EXTREMELY SERIOUS REAL LIFE INTERLUDE ---


Silly Season News

Team America: "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"
After a revoltingly disappointing 2013 season, in which they dropped from being frontrunners to 11th place in the championship and with a worrying number of DNQs on the way, Team America have pulled out of F1RMGP. As their reasoning goes, they're American, and as America always wins, they can no longer take part in a championship in which they're not winning. Allegedly, Colonel Sanders is trying to persuade Sir Bernard Shekelslike to pull all his money out of F1RMGP and invest in a new American series, the All-American IndyCar Rejects Microprose IndyCar World Series For IndyCars In America, in which only American teams and American drivers are allowed to compete on American circuits. No Canucks, either, because they're not real Americans, are they? Sponsorship for the series, if Colonel Sanders can get it underway, is intended to come directly from the Republican Party, Fox News, Smith & Wesson and the Westboro Baptist Church. Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaaw!

F1RMGP Series Management: "Not so fast, Dome..."
F1RMGP's Series Management has announced that only 19 teams will be able to compete in the series from 2014 onwards. Apparently, it is a lot easier to publish the results clearly and concisely if the number of drivers is kept to 39 or below, and with compulsory two-driver teams, that leaves space for only 38 drivers – and hence 19 teams – to compete. With Team America's withdrawal, that means there will be no need to throw out the team who finished dead last in the standings, which was Life. But it also means that, unless other teams also withdraw, Dome's efforts testing their hack car in 2013 will have been in vain.

[Aerospeed]

Two questions:

1. Can "dead" people be signed?

2. Can I submit silly season news?

[wmetcalf68]

Two questions:

1. Can "dead" people be signed?

2. Can I submit silly season news?

I think yes for the 1st question, and no for the 2nd question.

[dinizintheoven]

Two questions:
1. Can "dead" people be signed?

Sir Bernard Shekelslike's Hologram Projection Unit is, officially, capable of reviving two drivers and one team boss for any one season. Bear in mind Lella Lombardi is already signed for the 2014 WEC, and Günther Schmidt doesn't look to be going anywhere any time soon. And surely I don't need to remind you who filled those slots in the 2011 season...

2. Can I submit silly season news?

Hasn't stopped SuperAguri during the season, has it? Meat pies and all that...

Submit it in the form of an Autosport (or similar magazine/website) report, and Marktin Brundell will willingly comb through it to separate the shreds of truth from the weapons-grade bathpluggery. Anything that comes direct from the Series Management is pretty much official. Word in the pipeline is that more Silly Season News (from the Series Management) will follow some time round about... lunchtime?

[SuperAguri]

Dome looking at legal action
After preparing and being told that the series management are lazy and only want to deal with 19 teams, Dome are looking at a number of options including buying out a weak team, merging with another team or suing the F1RMGP management for every pound it has. Dome would not answer our calls, but Julian Richer has gone to the F1RMGP to plead their case, he said "We can't have Mr Suzuki whinging all the time". It is rumoured that Toleman, Fondmetal and Lola would be the teams most ripe for a buy out.

Suzuki to bring life to Life?
Suzuki bought an old Life chassis, did a few aero mods and stuck in their monster V6 Twin Turbo Charged Escudo High Climb engine which produces 1000bhp. They took it to Suzuka for a unofficial test and Life driver Bruno Giacomelli set a fastest time of 1.43.306 which although was 4 tenths slower then the pole time of Marco Apicella in the Super Aguri was fast enough to have given him 2nd on the grid and it was 7 seconds faster then what the Life did before. Giacomelli only did 17 laps before coming to a halt in the middle of the spoon curve and had to be towed away. The team said this was because the car had ran out of petrol, although they then spent the rest of the day with the engine in pieces, which is a funny way to refuel the car. Although Suzuki do not have any teams signed up, but Super Aguri, Life, Minardi, Eurobrun and Osella are showing signs of wanting to sign, (Jeremy Clarkson voice) what could be the most powerful engine in the worllldddd.

Aguri Suzuki says Papaya cause of Apicella engine failure?
Weeks after the last race of the season, Aguri Suzuki told this journalist that the reason for Marco Apicella engine explosion was due to a piece of Papaya that the F1 management seemed to miss when examining the engine, he said "There was a small chunk of Papaya lodged in the car near where the engine violently exploded, Apicella is lucky to be alive, but the Papaya although only a small piece shows that there was foul play somewhere and I won't rest until the F1RMGP management get their finger out of their bottoms and find the truth.", the F1RMGP have not returned my calls and have said if I call again they will report me.

Daihatsu test new F1 engine.
Daihatsu bought an old chassis from Team America and whacked in their funny V6 Turbocharged K3-VF1 engine and did some, all of 4, laps around Suzuka on the same day as Suzuki and managed a time of 1.54.183 which was exactly 4 seconds slower then Jimmy Johnsons time and would have been a DNQ time, in fact the slowest DNQ time nearly 2 seconds off the pace. Daihatsu said it is only a interim engine and that they are still working on it. Suzuki engineers nearby were seen creasing with laughter.

[/quote]

[tommykl]

Aguri Suzuki says Papaya cause of Apicella engine failure?

His Holyness HWNSNBM was unavailable for comment.

[TomWazzleshaw]

*Drives truck full of popcorn to series headquarters and leaves note in truck before leaving*

[dr-baker]

Suzuki to bring life to Life?
Suzuki bought an old Life chassis, did a few aero mods and stuck in their monster V6 Twin Turbo Charged Escudo High Climb engine which produces 1000bhp. They took it to Suzuka for a unofficial test and Life driver Bruno Giacomelli set a fastest time of 1.43.306 which although was 4 tenths slower then the pole time of Marco Apicella in the Super Aguri was fast enough to have given him 2nd on the grid and it was 7 seconds faster then what the Life did before. Giacomelli only did 17 laps before coming to a halt in the middle of the spoon curve and had to be towed away. The team said this was because the car had ran out of petrol, although they then spent the rest of the day with the engine in pieces, which is a funny way to refuel the car. Although Suzuki do not have any teams signed up, but Super Aguri, Life, Minardi, Eurobrun and Osella are showing signs of wanting to sign, (Jeremy Clarkson voice) what could be the most powerful engine in the worllldddd.

Ahh, a possible Super Aguri Suzuki? I see what you did there!

[FMecha]

Are SuperAguri the only guy allowed to make news?

[dinizintheoven]

Never fear, Marktin Brundell is here!

And that's why you need me, F1RMGP fans, to sort out the grain from the husk. Threshing machine in place, brought in specially from Norfolk, here we go...

Dome looking at legal action
After preparing and being told that the series management are lazy and only want to deal with 19 teams, Dome are looking at a number of options including buying out a weak team, merging with another team or suing the F1RMGP management for every pound it has. Dome would not answer our calls, but Julian Richer has gone to the F1RMGP to plead their case, he said "We can't have Mr Suzuki whinging all the time". It is rumoured that Toleman, Fondmetal and Lola would be the teams most ripe for a buy out.

Calling the Series Management lazy? Threatening to sue? I ask you. I call Autosport chicanery on that one, possibly planted by a jealous rival team boss who wants to keep his outfit as the only representative of Japan on the grid. If that is the case, or if the reports were true, I'd expect sanctions some way or the other. I suppose the main story here is that Autosport really should wait just that little bit longer to see what the real truth is before writing about what might or might not happen down at Dome...

Incidentally, since when have Fondmetal been competing in this series? Osella, yes; Fondmetal Team Malaysia, yes; Fondmetal as they were in F1 1991-92, no. What is going on down at Autosport's quality control and journalistic integrity department?

Suzuki to bring life to Life?
Suzuki bought an old Life chassis, did a few aero mods and stuck in their monster V6 Twin Turbo Charged Escudo High Climb engine which produces 1000bhp. They took it to Suzuka for a unofficial test and Life driver Bruno Giacomelli set a fastest time of 1.43.306 which although was 4 tenths slower then the pole time of Marco Apicella in the Super Aguri was fast enough to have given him 2nd on the grid and it was 7 seconds faster then what the Life did before. Giacomelli only did 17 laps before coming to a halt in the middle of the spoon curve and had to be towed away. The team said this was because the car had ran out of petrol, although they then spent the rest of the day with the engine in pieces, which is a funny way to refuel the car. Although Suzuki do not have any teams signed up, but Super Aguri, Life, Minardi, Eurobrun and Osella are showing signs of wanting to sign, (Jeremy Clarkson voice) what could be the most powerful engine in the worllldddd.

I can think of quite a few engine manufacturers who would make assertions that their engine is the most powerful... IN THE WORLD!, actually: Koenigsegg, for one, the Honda V8 is no slouch, and the uprated Life that F1RM have been using for the last three years is a damn sight better than what the "works" team have had to deal with. If Suzuki can keep testing, there may be someone to take them on, you never know... what I do know, though, is that there's some bad news ahead for Signor Giacomelli...

Aguri Suzuki says Papaya cause of Apicella engine failure?
Weeks after the last race of the season, Aguri Suzuki told this journalist that the reason for Marco Apicella engine explosion was due to a piece of Papaya that the F1 management seemed to miss when examining the engine, he said "There was a small chunk of Papaya lodged in the car near where the engine violently exploded, Apicella is lucky to be alive, but the Papaya although only a small piece shows that there was foul play somewhere and I won't rest until the F1RMGP management get their finger out of their bottoms and find the truth.", the F1RMGP have not returned my calls and have said if I call again they will report me.

His Holiness HWNSNBM could not be approached for comment, and Jamie and Enoch were busy making a new F1 Rejects podcast (at least, that's what they said they were doing). However, a spokesman for F1RM, who is neither Australian nor Hungarian, has hit immediately back at Aguri Suzuki for constantly blaming everyone else for his team's problems, even insinuating (although not flat out accusing) that the papaya and all those pies could have been planted by someone inside the team... besides, had it been a piece of fresh papaya, it would not have survived the engine explosion, and Del Monte only supply fresh papaya to the F1RM team. What was this, Mr Suzuki? Caramelised? Rock hard like you get in those bags of dried fruit? Fossilised? A piece of plastic made to look like a piece of papaya? Or even a Lego brick? Tell us the truth!

Daihatsu test new F1 engine.
Daihatsu bought an old chassis from Team America and whacked in their funny V6 Turbocharged K3-VF1 engine and did some, all of 4, laps around Suzuka on the same day as Suzuki and managed a time of 1.54.183 which was exactly 4 seconds slower then Jimmy Johnsons time and would have been a DNQ time, in fact the slowest DNQ time nearly 2 seconds off the pace. Daihatsu said it is only a interim engine and that they are still working on it. Suzuki engineers nearby were seen creasing with laughter.

Exactly what Daihatsu were doing with that geriatric Yankee chassis is beyond me. If they want to prove they're even slightly serious, that was not the place to start! There's also the small matter of those old Team America cars needing to be available for the Women's European Cup, which is not a problem for Life, as nobody is using those cars. Better give it back, Daihatsu.

And now, the bit you've all been waiting for:

More Silly Season News, direct from the Series Management

Life: dead
They were given a reprieve from being forcibly thrown out of the series, but in the end, it didn't matter; sixteen races, one start, 31 DNQs, it comes as no surprise that Life Racing Engines have, just like Team America, had enough of this F1RMGP lark. While nobody is particularly going to miss them, having grown steadily worse to the point of ignominy since their last points finish at the opening race in 2012, panic is steadily spreading round The Firm, as this also means their supply of customer Life W12 units has been abruptly cut off. Never mind that they have tweaked these engines to perfection for the entire course of this series, the mere mention of running them in 2014 with no parent manufacturer support was refuted immediately by Senior Grand Prix Analyst Enoch Law with the words "Williams", "Mecachrome" and "1998". But is that really so bad for the Australian team, because meanwhile, some suspicious-looking men, one of them with an enormous scar hacked right across his face, were heard talking in a language nobody could understand, but appeared to be sky-drawing a concrete block, pointing to their boots and the name "Ernesto Vita" could just about he heard amongst the apparent gibberish. Bad news for the boss, then - and bad news for Gary Brabham, bottom of 2013's final standings, because there appears to be nowhere for him to go. At least if Suzuki want to keep Bruno Giacomelli on as a test driver for a while, in a car he knows well, it's part-time amusement for him at least.

Talking of Mecachrome...
...they're dumped! Fondmetal Team Malaysia's bizarre experiment with the Mecachrome-built W9 triple-turbos has come to a spluttering halt – much the way their season did as they failed to qualify for any of the last eight races of the season. The bigwigs at Proton have demanded that FTM find a better engine builder for next season, given that the engine will bear their name again. And with that, the only W-configuration engine left on the grid is the MGN W12, which AGS are hanging onto at all costs.

Dome: "Konnichi-wa!"
Threats of legal action? Accusations at the Series Management? Utter flannel. They always knew it would happen this way, and the withdrawal of Life was exactly the news that the Dome team were looking for: being first in the queue to join the F1RMGP circus meant that the Italians' (coughalbanianscough) loss was their gain. Dome wasted no time in securing an engine deal with Honda; the engines will be Mugen-tweaked V10s. Aguri Suzuki, wily old campaigner that he is, has done everything he can to make sure these new upstarts don't steal a march on him, any more than they already have with their sponsorship deal with Richer Sounds; Suzuki has secured a supply of Mugen-Honda V10s for his own team as well. Dome, though, are not bothered; they've wasted absolutely no time in gaining the services of Emanuele Naspetti to drive one of their cars. Naspetti, who drove for Dome in Japanese Formula 3000 in 1993, will return to F1RMGP after two years away; previously, he had driven for Forti as they blundered their way through an awful 2011 season, usually dropping out on the Friday, far from the slick, race-winning operation that Pedro Diniz turned them into. The Dome is unlikely to beat the Fortis, but should provide Naspetti with a far better chance of doing something noticeable in his second stint in this series; as for their battle with Super Aguri, nobody actually expects them to win that contest, even with the same engine. But still, maybe there will be someone on meat-pie-watch around both teams...

So, for the time being, where does this leave Suzuki?
No joy for the new engine manufacturer with the two main Japanese teams, who are going at each other on equal engine terms - despite any reports of bad behaviour in Autosport which may or may not be true, it's hard to know with them. Anyway, there are two options at the moment; a back-of-the-grid deal with Fondmetal Team Malaysia, which would see the engine rebadged as a Proton (and wouldn't Mitsubishi be a more suitable donor for that?) or the potentially crushing responsibility of leading F1RM to a fourth consecutive Drivers' Championship and a second Constructors' title as well. There may be other teams who drop their engine deals, there may be teams who drop out and hand over to new entries... we will see.

[SuperAguri]

Aguri Suzuki holds press confernce about Papaya

Aguri Suzuki held a press conference and it was well attended with ones of journalists from all over the south east of England that work in the motoring press (and the women from Country Life who was here by mistake). He started with "I present exhibit A a piece of semi cooked Papaya which was found imbedded into the rear wing and exhibit B, a caramelised piece of Papaya that was found on the gearbox and finally exhibit C, a piece of Carbon which an independent lab has verified is a carbonised piece of Papaya. I have been accussed of making things up or even it is an inside job, well we are taking extreme measures next year and have asked the F1RMGP to start sealing and checking parts once the cars have been set up so there is no chance of sabotage. That is all.

Whether the management will do such a thing, only time will tell but we hear since then, someone has been leaving Papayas near the Super Aguri HQ with coded messages such as "It sounds like you are blubbling", "If only your were Richer like me", "We have the knowledge" and "We don't sell seconds", the police have been informed but are reported to have no clues on who the mystery person may be.

Toshio Suzuki wastes no time in sending CV to Dome

Now Dome are confirmed an entry, Japanese F1 driver Toshio Suzuki has sent his CV to Dome and is hoping to at least see the car and hopefully get a test drive. He said "It is my dream to drive for serious F1 team, also dream to see real F1 car close. Last time it was just a Larrousse.". Dome have confirmed one driver and the 2nd driver seat is currently open with no clues on who might fill it. Although Gary Brabham has said he is off to V8 Supercars. Toshio Suzuki has two things in his favour, one he has worked with Dome before and his name is Suzuki which will annoy the other.

Suzuki courting F1RM and securing life?

With Engine deals being signed left right and centre, the engineless F1RM is a ripe target for the Suzuki engine which has posted some blistering times in the pathetic Life chassis. A Suzuki spokesman said "We have meetings with Jamie and Enoch and are hopeful that they will sign our engine, it would be a fantastic deal for them.", we were hoping for a comment, but F1RM told us to bugger off their land.

Suzuki have bought the remains of the Life team to do more testing, this includes the services of Bruno Giacomelli. A Suzuki spokesperson said "We shall test and test and if a place comes up and F1RM do not take up our offer then we might go it alone, even with a LIfe Chassis we shall be competitive.".

Mecachrome : It is all FTM fault.

After being dumped, Mecachrome hit back saying that the FTM chassis was rubbish, and do not take their word for it as the drivers were saying the same thing. However, they also said a couple of blind rock apes with one leg between them would have gone faster then the two jokers pretending to be drivers. A spokesman said "Waste of our time and efforts, we do have a special on now, buy two engines and get one for the spare car absolutely free. LimitedtimeoffersubjecttoavailabilityperformancemaygodownaswellasupFTMcangoandjumpinalakesubjecttotermsandconditions."

Daihatsu say "It's our chassis and we won't give it back"

Daihatsu are still testing with an unknown driver, who is probably embarassed that he has no other drive and has to test an engine worse then the one Lola had, in the Team America chassis. A spokesman said "We bought it off colonel saunders fair and sqaure, it was a free gift when we bought 20 chicken buckets with fries and 40 cokes. We even have a reciept, see at the bottom 'Team America F1 Chassis 0.00'. So if the F1RMGP management want it back then they will have to supply another chassis and find us an engine deal.". The F1RMGP management were preparing their statement.

Fondmetal Team Malaysia an apology.

We called Fondmetal Team Malaysia, Fondmetal, this was a simple cut and paste error and we appologise to FTM and to the sad gits who thought it was worth pointing out, get a life or something, find a girlfriend, that sort of thing.

Julian Richer brings new sponsor to Dome

Julian Richer wasted no time once Dome had their entry confirmed in finding another partner for the Dome team, in the shape of Ginsters of Cornwall who make hot and filling cornish pasties and meat pies. Although the deal is not 100% confirmed, it looks like it will go through and at the British GP they are planning to have a stall giving away free pies, if you wear Super Aguri merchandise then you will get two. Aguri Suzuki told us to stop calling him or he will get Flavio onto us.

Hideki Noda also sends in CV

As the other Japanese driver that was in F1, but blink and you would have missed him as he raced for cashed strapped larrousse, Hideki Noda has also sent his CV to Dome with his bestest handwriting. Noda says "I had no chance before, they only wanted my money, but I did well. So Dome would be a chance for me to prove to the world that I am the best Japanese driver ever.". Once we stopped laughing, we decided to finish this article.

[Salamander]

SOME PRIBLICATION IS PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR NEW SPONSORS, GINSTERS OF CORNWALL
Exclusive: Aguri Suzuki papaya scandal!

written by Sensationalist B. Journalist Jr.
In a SHOCKING development in meat pie-and-papaya-sabotage-gate, Some Publication can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that that the papaya fragments provided by Aguri Suzuki in his latest press conference were in fact planted there by none other than... Aguri Suzuki himself! A source who declined to be named has provided us with a shopping list written in Japanese, with one very interesting item at the bottom - one Del Monte papaya! A video has also been provided, seemingly showing Aguri Suzuki doing the shopping prior to the Australian GP, as well as a shot of him CLEARLY holding a papaya. These pieces of evidence, combined with reports of 'cooked papaya smell' coming from the Super Aguri garage soon after Marco Apicella's engine detonation combine to form one conclusive picture: Aguri Suzuki deliberately sabotaged his own car in order to try and frame the biggest fish of them all, F1RM! We have been unable to obtain comments from either party, however, we will stay with this story as it develops.

Sakon Yamamoto to drive for Dome?
written by Not Joe Saward

Latest in the series of Japanese hopefuls to express interest in racing for Dome next year is Sakon Yamamoto. Yamamoto has been seen in the paddock at the last several races this year holding a briefcase and a letter of recommendation from a Mr. Colin Kolles. Yamamoto has been tipped as a potential F1RMGP star due to his extensive F1 experience, having raced for Super Aguri, Spyket, HRT, as well as a testing role at Virgin. He is most notable for doing sort-of okay against Bruno Senna in the HRT, and has hinted that he has been speaking to the management at Dome. Yamamoto will face heavy competition from other Japanese hopefuls intending to fill the other Dome seat, those hopefuls being Toshio Suzuki and Hideki Noda. Nonetheless, in this writer's opinion, Yamamoto's extensive history makes him the ideal man for the job.

SOME PRIBLICATION IS PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR NEW SPONSORS, GINSTERS OF CORNWALL

[SuperAguri]

Aguri Suzuki furious at slander

When we faxed a copy of "Some Publication" to Aguri Suzuki he was quick to get his lawyers to call us up and tell us the facts. His lawyers say they will be suing "Some Publication" for it's fantasy article which slandered Mr Aguri Suzuki, they say.

1 - The List is in Chinese and not Japanese.
2 - Mr Aguri does not go shopping and had an airtight alibi as he was at the team owners meeting during the time the shopping was alleged to have happened.
3- The person in the shot is not of Aguri Suzuki but of comedian Takani Suzio, who is a dead ringer for Mr Aguri.
4 - Mr Aguri would not try to kill his own drivers especially ones that are good.
5 - A publication sponsored by a rivals sponsor is not going to be completely unbiased.

Mr Aguri will be seeking damages in the thousands of pounds and not in Papayas.

[dinizintheoven]

Marktin Brundell's Flotsam and Jetsam column (part 1)

So, let's see. I'm sure there's plenty to chew on in the pages of Autosport...

Aguri Suzuki holds press confernce about Papaya
Aguri Suzuki held a press conference and it was well attended with ones of journalists from all over the south east of England that work in the motoring press (and the women from Country Life who was here by mistake). He started with "I present exhibit A a piece of semi cooked Papaya which was found imbedded into the rear wing and exhibit B, a caramelised piece of Papaya that was found on the gearbox and finally exhibit C, a piece of Carbon which an independent lab has verified is a carbonised piece of Papaya. I have been accussed of making things up or even it is an inside job, well we are taking extreme measures next year and have asked the F1RMGP to start sealing and checking parts once the cars have been set up so there is no chance of sabotage. That is all.
Whether the management will do such a thing, only time will tell but we hear since then, someone has been leaving Papayas near the Super Aguri HQ with coded messages such as "It sounds like you are blubbling", "If only your were Richer like me", "We have the knowledge" and "We don't sell seconds", the police have been informed but are reported to have no clues on who the mystery person may be.

Come on, Aggers old boy, what's it going to be next? Cinnamon sticks found in the suspension? Brake discs coated in HP Sauce? Chips in the airbox? Something tells me Dome have far bigger fish to fry getting ready for the new season, not that I'm implying fried fish will end up anywhere near a Super Aguri car... though sit back and wait for that story to break now. Aguri Suzuki has been making so many accusations in recent weeks that people are going to start thinking he's really Fernando Alonso in disguise.

Toshio Suzuki wastes no time in sending CV to Dome
Now Dome are confirmed an entry, Japanese F1 driver Toshio Suzuki has sent his CV to Dome and is hoping to at least see the car and hopefully get a test drive. He said "It is my dream to drive for serious F1 team, also dream to see real F1 car close. Last time it was just a Larrousse.". Dome have confirmed one driver and the 2nd driver seat is currently open with no clues on who might fill it. Although Gary Brabham has said he is off to V8 Supercars. Toshio Suzuki has two things in his favour, one he has worked with Dome before and his name is Suzuki which will annoy the other.
Hideki Noda also sends in CV
As the other Japanese driver that was in F1, but blink and you would have missed him as he raced for cashed strapped larrousse, Hideki Noda has also sent his CV to Dome with his bestest handwriting. Noda says "I had no chance before, they only wanted my money, but I did well. So Dome would be a chance for me to prove to the world that I am the best Japanese driver ever.". Once we stopped laughing, we decided to finish this article.

Don't laugh - after all, Hideki Noda also chased a drive with Simtek, and would have got it if they'd survived later into the 1995 season. Also, he drove one more Grand Prix than Toshio Suzuki did. As for Gary Brabham - I wouldn't *completely* count him out of getting another F1RMGP drive, but after that last season, it's unlikely.

Suzuki courting F1RM and securing life?
With Engine deals being signed left right and centre, the engineless F1RM is a ripe target for the Suzuki engine which has posted some blistering times in the pathetic Life chassis. A Suzuki spokesman said "We have meetings with Jamie and Enoch and are hopeful that they will sign our engine, it would be a fantastic deal for them.", we were hoping for a comment, but F1RM told us to bugger off their land.
Suzuki have bought the remains of the Life team to do more testing, this includes the services of Bruno Giacomelli. A Suzuki spokesperson said "We shall test and test and if a place comes up and F1RM do not take up our offer then we might go it alone, even with a LIfe Chassis we shall be competitive.".

Note that Suzuki haven't specified which of the available Life chassis they're using, though I assume it's the L213. The team need to be warned away from running that against the 2014 cars, though, if they want to be taken seriously. As for F1RM's engine deal - Autosport's guess is as good as mine at the moment, I haven't heard a wall of silence like this since Uncle Joe Stalin was asked what happened to about 100,000 of his best university students...

Mecachrome : It is all FTM fault.
After being dumped, Mecachrome hit back saying that the FTM chassis was rubbish, and do not take their word for it as the drivers were saying the same thing. However, they also said a couple of blind rock apes with one leg between them would have gone faster then the two jokers pretending to be drivers. A spokesman said "Waste of our time and efforts, we do have a special on now, buy two engines and get one for the spare car absolutely free. LimitedtimeoffersubjecttoavailabilityperformancemaygodownaswellasupFTMcangoandjumpinalakesubjecttotermsandconditions."

Wait a minute, Mecachrome. Who is really at fault, here? Is it FTM, for their incompetence in letting their design slip, which (eventually) formed the basis for all the cars in the field, was it the drivers - who, let's face it, can only work with what they're given, or was it the quite frankly bonkers idea to build a W9 engine and hope that three turbos would be enough to make up for the power shortcoming in that engine which were reported at the end of last year? Results, or rather the lack of them, proved that pretty much everything was wrong, and Mecachrome trying to weasel their way out of the blame isn't going to go down too well as regards their future prospects...

Daihatsu say "It's our chassis and we won't give it back"
Daihatsu are still testing with an unknown driver, who is probably embarassed that he has no other drive and has to test an engine worse then the one Lola had, in the Team America chassis. A spokesman said "We bought it off colonel saunders fair and sqaure, it was a free gift when we bought 20 chicken buckets with fries and 40 cokes. We even have a reciept, see at the bottom 'Team America F1 Chassis 0.00'. So if the F1RMGP management want it back then they will have to supply another chassis and find us an engine deal.". The F1RMGP management were preparing their statement.

It does not take a lot of detective work to find the truth in this story. Turn over this "Team America" chassis and those ubiquitous words "MADE IN CHINA" are bound to be there somewhere. Why Geely, or some other Chinese motor manufacturer, would want to clone the number one underachiever of the 2013 F1RMGP season is beyond me, but when the man doing the deal signs his name as "Colonel Saunders" then that should have set Daihatsu's suspicions raging, as if they were offered a genuine "Rulex" watch, or maybe a case of "Scottish whisky". The only investigation to be had from here to be conducted by the F1RMGP Series Management is the production of counterfeit cars, which I suspect will be dealt with extremely harshly.

Fondmetal Team Malaysia an apology.
We called Fondmetal Team Malaysia, Fondmetal, this was a simple cut and paste error and we appologise to FTM and to the sad gits who thought it was worth pointing out, get a life or something, find a girlfriend, that sort of thing.

I have a wife and sixty-three children. Your move, Autosport.


Julian Richer's personal response to Autosport's rumour mill

Julian Richer brings new sponsor to Dome
Julian Richer wasted no time once Dome had their entry confirmed in finding another partner for the Dome team, in the shape of Ginsters of Cornwall who make hot and filling cornish pasties and meat pies. Although the deal is not 100% confirmed, it looks like it will go through and at the British GP they are planning to have a stall giving away free pies, if you wear Super Aguri merchandise then you will get two. Aguri Suzuki told us to stop calling him or he will get Flavio onto us.

Quite frankly, I am disgusted at such allegations. What would I have to do with Ginster's? Everyone knows their processed muck that lurks in motorway service stations is not worthy of bearing the flag of St. Piran. If I want a Cornish pasty, I'll have a proper one, and my personal fortune is such that I can have a whole tray of them helicoptered in from the Tintagel branch of Pengenna Pasties, hand them out to my most worthy employees and consider it small change. Ginster's? Bah. I'll be having none of that. Incidentally, I'd like to point you all in the direction of the Cambridge Audio Topaz AM1, a high quality amplifier at an affordable price, with an enormous volume control that makes it very easy to turn down when Aguri Suzuki starts his incessant whining again.


Marktin Brundell's Flotsam and Jetsam column (part 2)

SOME PRIBLICATION IS PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR NEW SPONSORS, GINSTERS OF CORNWALL

There goes their credibility, then. This comment has been brought to you in conjunction with a pint of Skinner's Betty Stogs, a banana grown at the Eden Project, and a box of Cornish fairings.

Exclusive: Aguri Suzuki papaya scandal!
written by Sensationalist B. Journalist Jr.
In a SHOCKING development in meat pie-and-papaya-sabotage-gate, Some Publication can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that that the papaya fragments provided by Aguri Suzuki in his latest press conference were in fact planted there by none other than... Aguri Suzuki himself! A source who declined to be named has provided us with a shopping list written in Japanese, with one very interesting item at the bottom - one Del Monte papaya! A video has also been provided, seemingly showing Aguri Suzuki doing the shopping prior to the Australian GP, as well as a shot of him CLEARLY holding a papaya. These pieces of evidence, combined with reports of 'cooked papaya smell' coming from the Super Aguri garage soon after Marco Apicella's engine detonation combine to form one conclusive picture: Aguri Suzuki deliberately sabotaged his own car in order to try and frame the biggest fish of them all, F1RM! We have been unable to obtain comments from either party, however, we will stay with this story as it develops.

Aguri Suzuki furious at slander
When we faxed a copy of "Some Publication" to Aguri Suzuki he was quick to get his lawyers to call us up and tell us the facts. His lawyers say they will be suing "Some Publication" for it's fantasy article which slandered Mr Aguri Suzuki, they say.
1 - The List is in Chinese and not Japanese.
2 - Mr Aguri does not go shopping and had an airtight alibi as he was at the team owners meeting during the time the shopping was alleged to have happened.
3- The person in the shot is not of Aguri Suzuki but of comedian Takani Suzio, who is a dead ringer for Mr Aguri.
4 - Mr Aguri would not try to kill his own drivers especially ones that are good.
5 - A publication sponsored by a rivals sponsor is not going to be completely unbiased.
Mr Aguri will be seeking damages in the thousands of pounds and not in Papayas.

Ye gods, the mudslinging between Super Aguri and their rivals is getting to F1 proportions, isn't it? See what I said above, right at the top - it wasn't Dome, it wasn't Julian Richer, and I'd be willing to bet any money it wasn't F1RM or anyone involved with that team either. As with Dome, they have very big fish to fry, in the form of having to find a new engine deal. I continue: It wasn't Viking Racing with their loose axes, it wasn't Toleman who are known to like their meat pies, it wasn't anyone at Isuzu, HKS or even Toyota, all supplying rival Japanese engines. Why not make scurrilous accusations against Team America, now that they've pulled out, seeing as Super Aguri were one of the teams that dethroned them from the head of the field in the first place? NOTE: this was a joke. No accusations should be made against anyone.
I'd also warn Aguri Suzuki to check that Some Publication really is sponsored by a "rivals' sponsor" before directing their venom that way... when we now know that said sponsor was only rumoured to be also sponsoring their rivals, and the truth is they're not. I'd also like to think that we are nearing the end of this particular saga, but the pessimistic side of me suspects that it will run and run forever...

Sakon Yamamoto to drive for Dome?
written by Not Joe Saward
Latest in the series of Japanese hopefuls to express interest in racing for Dome next year is Sakon Yamamoto. Yamamoto has been seen in the paddock at the last several races this year holding a briefcase and a letter of recommendation from a Mr. Colin Kolles. Yamamoto has been tipped as a potential F1RMGP star due to his extensive F1 experience, having raced for Super Aguri, Spyket, HRT, as well as a testing role at Virgin. He is most notable for doing sort-of okay against Bruno Senna in the HRT, and has hinted that he has been speaking to the management at Dome. Yamamoto will face heavy competition from other Japanese hopefuls intending to fill the other Dome seat, those hopefuls being Toshio Suzuki and Hideki Noda. Nonetheless, in this writer's opinion, Yamamoto's extensive history makes him the ideal man for the job.

I can tell this is Not Joe Saward, because he hasn't suggested Vitantonio Liuzzi for the Dome drive. So, just stick Sakon in the queue, there. There's been quite a buzz around him joining the series, and various other publications are linking him to just about every team still left on the grid.

Talking of which, we have more bad news...

The real news - direct from the Series Management, without the intervention of Aguri Suzuki, Marktin Brundell, Autosport, or Julian Richer

Osella: "Arrivederci!"
In what is becoming a worrying turn of events, Osella Squadra Corse have joined the F1RMGP exodus. According to Enzo Osella, they're utterly fed up with running at the back, always trying to break down an invisible wall that will let them into the race. In other words, they're sick of turning up only to DNQ both cars. Signor Osella clearly has forgotten the entire 1980-90 period, then...

Lola: "...we're off, too!"
Lola's slide into complete embarrassment was finalised this year, with only five appearances in a race, and three retirements for the hapless Plamen Kralev. This second incarnation of Mastercard Lola may have lasted three seasons rather than the initial team's single (catastrophically dreadful) race, but it's all over. With Team America's withdrawal, it means the end of the line for the Dodge 5.7l V8 pushrod lump that powered both teams in 2013, a dinosaur that nobody will by sad to see the back of. Despite this setback, both erstwhile Lola drivers have said they will find another race seat and continue in 2014. Their options are likely to be extremely limited.

Yoong: "Up yours!"
Mecachrome "said a couple of blind rock apes with one leg between them would have gone faster then the two jokers pretending to be drivers." Such a comment has not gone down well at all with Alex Yoong, as after rebuilding his reputation in A1 Grand Prix, he was not expecting a second slide down the rankings. That Tony Fernandes sold him a dream that quickly burst and turned into a nightmare was bad enough, but to be blamed for the team's shortcomings by the engine manufacturers who clearly did a poor job was the final straw. He has vowed to find a new drive and continue in the series, doing whatever it takes to pound FTM into the dust. Good luck to him, and the Series Management means that more than we do towards the Lola drivers. Fairuz Fauzy was unavailable for comment, but he probably hadn't understood all the insults flying around.

So what of the Women's European Cup?
Team America, Life, Osella and Lola have all – as per the regulations that every team bar the two at the front were forced to sign up for – made their 2013 chassis available to be run in the 2014 Women's European Cup. That none of these teams will be building a 2014 car matters not, and all have agreed to send at least a skeleton crew to the 2014 races to run the cars to a competitive standard – if that's actually possible in some cases.


Marktin Brundell's final comment

So. Seventeen teams for F1RMGP 2014. That's space for two more, and I am sure those spaces will be filled. Who's it going to be? I wonder if Autosport or Some Publication can get it right? Place your bets now.

[Shizuka]

Works Honda or Nismo team. I think there will be some Japanese relations to one of those two.

[Shadaza]

Team ForceIndiaSpykerMidlandJordanNewNameThingy! FISMJNNT plan to pool their resources together to create a "super" team, with Christian Albers and Giancarlo Fisichella the hot favourites for the drive. Though Champagne glass related threats mean Sutil is also in the fireing line for the seat.

[FMecha]

I put my bet on Dome and Hispania Racing (with Seat engines ).

[tommykl]

I obviously would like Gillet to join, but that's not going to happen. Instead, I'd like to see Arrows and Phoenix Hart

[dinizintheoven]

F1RMGP Series Management announces the 2014 calendar

Qualifying will be held on the Friday, the race on Saturday, as with the previous seasons. The calendar has been streamlined to minimise travel distances wherever possible, and contains a five-week break in the middle of the season for possible inclusion of an extra race...

1 - Brazil - Interlagos, São Paulo - 19 April
2 - Mexico - Autodrómo Hermanos Rodríguez, Mexico City - 3 May
3 - Canada - Circuit Gilles Villeneuve, Montreal - 17 May
4 - San Marino - Imola, Italy - 7 June
5 - Monaco - Monte Carlo - 21 June
6 - Andorra - Barcelona, Spain - 5 July
7 - France - Magny-Cours - 19 July
8 - Great Britain - Silverstone - 26 July
---------------------------------------------------
9 - Germany - Hockenheim - 30 August
10 - Belgium - Spa-Francorchamps - 6 September
11 - Hungary - Hungaroring, Budapest - 20 September
12 - Italy - Monza - 4 October
13 - Portugal - Estoril - 18 October
14 - Spain - Jerez de la Frontera - 25 October
15 - Japan - Suzuka - 15 November
16 - Australia - Adelaide - 29 November


Also news from the top: what's going on in France?

Absolute confirmation has been received from the following teams of their participation in F1RMGP 2013, along with their provisional car numbers:
- Formula One Rejects Motorsport (1/2 - with the current Driver's Champion)
- Viking Racing (9/10 - F1RM's old slot plus one, as there was no car 10 in 2013)
- Super Aguri Formula One (3/4 - back to their original numbers)
- Forti Corse... do Brasil! (27/28 - as they were)
- Team Toleman - no word on a title sponsor yet (5/6 - moved to Benetton's 1993 slot)
- Scuderia Andrea Coloni (11/12 - moved up the field)
- EuroBrun Racing (19/20 - moved to Toleman's old slot)
- Monteverdi Onyx Grand Prix (17/18 - moved approximately to where the 2014 WEC team is)
- Simtek Research Formula One (15/16 - moved the same way as FTM did after 2012)
- ATS Rial Racing (21/22 - moved to Rial's 1988 slot, now vacated by Osella)
- Minardi Formula One Team (23/24 - as they were)
- Fondmetal Team Malaysia (29/30 - moved to Lola's old slot)
- Stefan Grand Prix (31/32 - moved to SAC's old slot as they "didn't want to be unlucky anymore" - how come this wasn't a problem for the last two seasons, eh, Zoran?)
- Kabushiki Kaisha Domu, or Dome Engineering Design to the rest of us (33/34 - new team in EuroBrun's old slot)

Interesting... no word from any of the French teams. Nothing from Prost, nothing from DAMS, nothing from AGS. Ze French silence is un peu on the concerning side. Numbers reserved for those teams will be 25/26 (Prost), 41/42 (DAMS), 7/8 (AGS) - provided they confirm their entries.

[SuperAguri]

Suzuki buy Osella remains.
Suzuki have as well as buying Life have also bought the remains of Osella in their bid to be on the grid in 2014. A spokesman said "We still hope to get a good engine deal with a team at the front end of the grid and the tests we have done show we have a powerful engine and we can make decent cars, but we also want to make sure our efforts are not wasted and have bought another team to make sure we have a competitive chassis as both Osella and Life did make 2014 spec chassis and a full team so we can get straight into F1RMGP. There is no reason why we should not be on the grid in one form or another in 2014.". Suzuki would give Honda, Toyota, Isuzu and HKS something to think about and we for one hope they do make it to the grid.

Mecachrome hit back
After some parts of the press said that the Mecachrome W9 triple turbo engine was slow, Mecachrome published a sheet which showed that FTM were one of the fastest cars in a straight line, however a spokesman said "The FTM had less grip then a Banana going around corners so no wonder they were so off the pace. We are still looking for a team to work with as the Spec II engines are much faster.". FTM declined to comment at time of press.

Team America chassis were made in China anyway?
The possible counterfeit row over Team America cars took a new twist today when an ex mechanic for Team America said, "Like most things in America, there is no industry left, so Team America got all the parts made in China anyway mainly as it was 1/50th of the cost of making them in, I am surprised that the F1RMGP management did not notice the 'Made In China' stamps all over the Team America car. I know that Colonel Sanders did sell Daihatsu a chassis, or in his own way, gave it free with a team order of Chicken buckets and fries.". The F1RMGP told us to come back to their press conference in the next few days.

Julian Richer in sly moves?
Although, Mr Richers PA herself told us of the Ginsters deal, it may have all been a sly move to instead bring in Pengenna Pasties to F1, which would be odd but would be rubbing the nose of Mr Suzuki in them. Mr Richer would not return our phone calls and will probably say something tommorrow.

Prince Malik to return?
Former Arrows shareholder, Prince Malik is looking to bring the Arrows name back and is working out a deal to buy the old Lola team so they can be renamed Arrows. Prince Malik is a hard man to get hold of so we could not confirm his interest, but the Arrows team back into F1 would be a breath of fresh air, maybe this time they might even win a race. *STOP PRESS* We hear that Brian Hart has been approached by Prince Malik to build Hart V10 engines for a possible F1 project.

Aguri Suzuki has a quiet day off
No news on Aguri Suzuki or Super Aguri as he has taken a nice day off and was exploring the great English countryside. Mugen on the other hand have said that both Engines for Super Aguri and Dome will be the same spec. So expect a good old ding dong.

***STOP PRESS*** French Teams merge to make French Super Team?
After a disappointing season, there are rumours that Prost may say enough is enough and leave F1 to make Wine or something. There is a strong rumour that Prost, DAMS and AGS could merge to make a French Super team with a new V12 engine coming from aerospace and former F1 company Matra. DAMS may still survive as a seperate team, but with poor results a Prost / AGS merger does seem likely and Matra could throw in a new engine, maybe early 70s success could be coming back to Matra.

[dinizintheoven]

"The Rights And Wrongs Of Autosport", with Marktin Brundell

Suzuki buy Osella remains.
Suzuki have as well as buying Life have also bought the remains of Osella in their bid to be on the grid in 2014. A spokesman said "We still hope to get a good engine deal with a team at the front end of the grid and the tests we have done show we have a powerful engine and we can make decent cars, but we also want to make sure our efforts are not wasted and have bought another team to make sure we have a competitive chassis as both Osella and Life did make 2014 spec chassis and a full team so we can get straight into F1RMGP. There is no reason why we should not be on the grid in one form or another in 2014.". Suzuki would give Honda, Toyota, Isuzu and HKS something to think about and we for one hope they do make it to the grid.

Autosport gets it wrong: no chassis for 2014 have been designed yet, by anyone - including the teams at the front. So if Osella and Life said that, they were lying to cover their tracks! Are you sure it's not an odd chassis from another series?

Mecachrome hit back
After some parts of the press said that the Mecachrome W9 triple turbo engine was slow, Mecachrome published a sheet which showed that FTM were one of the fastest cars in a straight line, however a spokesman said "The FTM had less grip then a Banana going around corners so no wonder they were so off the pace. We are still looking for a team to work with as the Spec II engines are much faster.". FTM declined to comment at time of press.

Autosport most likely got this wrong. Was the test in a straight line? I'll bet it was, and I'll bet it was longer than the straight at Fuji. Why would that matter? Think of all the lag from three turbos, but think of the power at the end of the straight... face it, Mecachrome, you went the wrong way!

Team America chassis were made in China anyway?
The possible counterfeit row over Team America cars took a new twist today when an ex mechanic for Team America said, "Like most things in America, there is no industry left, so Team America got all the parts made in China anyway mainly as it was 1/50th of the cost of making them in, I am surprised that the F1RMGP management did not notice the 'Made In China' stamps all over the Team America car. I know that Colonel Sanders did sell Daihatsu a chassis, or in his own way, gave it free with a team order of Chicken buckets and fries.". The F1RMGP told us to come back to their press conference in the next few days.

Team America's mechanic gets it wrong. All those "Made in China" stamps on the original TA chassis will have been added to cover up an equal amount of perfidery. That chassis was guaranteed 100% gen-yoo-wine 'Merican-made, and that's why it didn't work. As the great visionary, Marge Simpson, once said: "Made in U.S.A.? No thanks!"

Julian Richer in sly moves?
Although, Mr Richers PA herself told us of the Ginsters deal, it may have all been a sly move to instead bring in Pengenna Pasties to F1, which would be odd but would be rubbing the nose of Mr Suzuki in them. Mr Richer would not return our phone calls and will probably say something tommorrow.

Pengenna Pasties is a series of three small shops in Cornwall. Ginsters is a nationwide-distributed mass-market factory-made product selection that favours quantity over quality. Tell me, Mr Autosport hack, exactly how much cash would Pengenna Pasties be bringing to Dome?

Prince Malik to return?
Former Arrows shareholder, Prince Malik is looking to bring the Arrows name back and is working out a deal to buy the old Lola team so they can be renamed Arrows. Prince Malik is a hard man to get hold of so we could not confirm his interest, but the Arrows team back into F1 would be a breath of fresh air, maybe this time they might even win a race. *STOP PRESS* We hear that Brian Hart has been approached by Prince Malik to build Hart V10 engines for a possible F1 project.

Oh, get him away...

Aguri Suzuki has a quiet day off
No news on Aguri Suzuki or Super Aguri as he has taken a nice day off and was exploring the great English countryside. Mugen on the other hand have said that both Engines for Super Aguri and Dome will be the same spec. So expect a good old ding dong.

Finally, Aggers, you're learning. May it stay this way.

***STOP PRESS*** French Teams merge to make French Super Team?
After a disappointing season, there are rumours that Prost may say enough is enough and leave F1 to make Wine or something. There is a strong rumour that Prost, DAMS and AGS could merge to make a French Super team with a new V12 engine coming from aerospace and former F1 company Matra. DAMS may still survive as a seperate team, but with poor results a Prost / AGS merger does seem likely and Matra could throw in a new engine, maybe early 70s success could be coming back to Matra.

*splutter*

Hold the front pages, everyone.

AUTOSPORT GETS IT RIGHT! SPECIAL REPORT FROM THE SERIES MANAGEMENT!

Here is the full report, showing exactly what Autosport really did get right... though it certainly wasn't the bit about "poor results" from Prost or AGS, who both had their most successful season in 2013.

Turmoil in France: four into two won't go!
Peugeot have been ramping up their interest in the F1RMGP series. Such is their new-found enthusiasm, that they have managed to persuade two of the French teams involved, Prost and DAMS, to merge. AGS refused to be part of the new French superteam, figuring their line-up is as strong as it could ever be. They confirm their entry as a separate entity, as they always have been, and retain their MGN W12 engine. The new team, run by former Renault F1 team-mates, Alain Prost and René Arnoux, will be known as Société Prost-Arnoux Motorsport, the new car will combine the intended 2014 chassis numbers of the Prost AP09 and the DAMS GD-03 to form the PD-12, and it will be powered by a Peugeot engine. Which will be – get this – diesel. It's the 3.7-litre twin-turbo diesel as used in Peugeot's 908 Le Mans Prototype (and not the old 908 HDi FAP, cheers for confusing us there). Sir Bernard Shekelslike has issued a statement saying he fully encourages the introduction of alternative fuels into F1RMGP, completely forgetting that Forti have been doing the same thing with bio-ethanol since their first stuttering season in 2011. But what of the drivers? Clearly, with four to choose from and only two seats available, two had to be cast aside. And with Philippe Alliot and Stéphane Sarrazin getting the nod for the new season, what of Olivier Grouillard and Vincenzo Sospiri? Rumours are yet to be confirmed that Sospiri was given the elbow for not being French, and legal rumblings will certainly take place. And, let us not forget, there's a Renault engine deal going spare out of this, from the DAMS side of the garage, which the new team no longer need.

Further completely official Silly Season News

More turmoil in Japan: Dome object to their numbers
According to team boss Minoru Hayashi, Dome do not want the numbers 33 and 34 allocated to the first new team to be confirmed, which they were. Apparently, 4 is a bad luck number in Japan (clearly nobody told Yuji Ide in the last three seasons) and besides, the team does not want to be seen with "Super Aguri's numbers plus 30" either. So, the Series Management has re-allocated them 35 and 36, with the next new team due to take 33 and 34. And the team that will get those numbers is...

A second new challenger enters...
Shmoking jacketsh and bongsh at the ready; here comes Spyker! That's right, the organisation that makes very expensive cars that nobody wants to buy, that tried to run SAAB for a while, and that gave the Winkelhock family something to cheer during their season-and-a-little-bit in Formula One, has joined F1RMGP! Nothing is certain yet with this team, except that the cars will be resplendent in Dutch orange, and they're trying to prise Joachim Winkelhock away from AGS – for reasons which should be obvious, both for the family connections and the inescapable fact that he smokes like a factory chimney.

[SuperAguri]

Pengenna Pasties to sponsor Dome
Although not a sponsor, they will be a partner who will supply Pastries for the team and for Julian Richer, we believe that they will get their logo on the wing mirrors of the new car.

Arrows send in official application
Prince Malik was quick to phone us up and confirm that he has made an application to join F1RMGP for the 2014 season, he says he has the facilities to make the 2014 car after buying Lola, he also has Alan Jenkins to help design the new car and has signed up Enrique Bernoldi and Vincenzo Sospiri to drive the cars. He also says he has sponsorship from Orange and from T-Minus. He hopes that the F1RMGP management will accept his application as he is raring to start.

Daihatsu and Suzuki send in applications too
Although Suzuki are hoping to get F1RM to use their powerful 1000bhp engine, they have sent in an application too. They are working on improving the Osella chassis and have signed Bruno Giacomelli and have an option on Toshio Suzuki if he does not get the Dome drive. Daihatsu have the weakest application as they do not have a chassis, just an engine and their mystery driver is being very private although he is thought to be Toranosuke Takagi. However they remain upbeat and positive saying that their engine is better then the Mecachrome W9.

Topman to sponsor Toleman?
We hear rumblings that mens clothing retailer Topman are considering being title sponsor for Toleman, a spokesman said "It would be a nice sounding name, a bit of a tongue twister."

Aguri Suzuki wants new numbers
Aguri Suzuki was furious that Dome could change their numbers, he said "How dare they just toss their pre assigned numbers, well if they can then we want to change too and we want 37/38 as 8 is a lucky number in the east and 7 is a lucky number in the west.", we look forward to the F1RMGP reply.

SPAM-A-LAM for Prost Arnioux
Prost was a little embarassed when it was point out that the acrynm for the team was SPAM. The name may be change to Formula Arnioux Prost French All Purpose Team.

[Aerospeed]

Is Prince Malik the slightly younger brother of Prince Falik?

Anyways...

ARROWTECH TO PUT IN A NEW F1RMGP TEAM??
According to the local sources The Fox has a bright interest in putting in a team in the F1RMGP. In a recent interview, when asked if he was going to put in a team for the 2014 season, he said "definitely, if I can get an entry. We'll just use our 2013 F1RWRS car." No other details have been announced, though it could be possible that Sebastian Groves (who got two races for ArrowTech in 2013) could get a seat.

[TomWazzleshaw]

Autosport Reporter Sacked

I've been hearing reports in the paddock that one of Autosport's newest reporters, a Japanese fellow who seems to be related to Barii Mori, has been sacked as he has brought the integrity of the website into serious doubt amongst many of his reports on the website. I don't have any more details on this but I'll do my best to find them out.

UPDATE:

Said reporter is now allegedly on the verge of signing on as PitPass' main reporter for the series.

[FMecha]

HISPANIA RACING CONSIDERING F1RMGP TOO?

With news of new teams circulating around F1RMGP, Hispania Racing is set too to join the championship. Reportedly, the team will use Seat engines. The team have yet to annouce the drivers; however, rumours circulated that the team is set to hire Adrian Campos and Jorge de Bagration as their drivers. No further information is available yet at this moment.

Spanish article: (I used Google Translate for this)

HISPANIA RACING CONSIDERANDO F1RMGP TAMBIÉN?

Con la noticia de los nuevos equipos que circulan alrededor F1RMGP, Hispania Racing es demasiado para unirse al campeonato. Según se informa, el equipo utilizará los motores de Seat. El equipo aún no anunciar los controladores, sin embargo, circularon rumores de que el equipo está configurado para contratar a Adrián Campos y Jorge de Bagration que sus conductores. No hay más información disponible aún en este momento.

[DanielPT]

Autosport Reporter Sacked

I've been hearing reports in the paddock that one of Autosport's newest reporters, a Japanese fellow who seems to be related to Barii Mori, has been sacked as he has brought the integrity of the website into serious doubt amongst many of his reports on the website. I don't have any more details on this but I'll do my best to find them out.

UPDATE:

Said reporter is now allegedly on the verge of signing on as PitPass' main reporter for the series.

Hi Joe,
I love your blog, but I think that said reporter was still working today since a news piece with his name has just been released.

Cheers,
Prot

Prot,

You understand nothing about this. You are clearly away from this world and besides it is me who have access to the paddock. I am tired of these people who have nothing to do except to insult others. I was giving inside information for free and that is how you respond. You are not a serious person and you have your morals totally distorted.

[TomWazzleshaw]

Autosport Reporter Sacked

I've been hearing reports in the paddock that one of Autosport's newest reporters, a Japanese fellow who seems to be related to Barii Mori, has been sacked as he has brought the integrity of the website into serious doubt amongst many of his reports on the website. I don't have any more details on this but I'll do my best to find them out.

UPDATE:

Said reporter is now allegedly on the verge of signing on as PitPass' main reporter for the series.

Hi Joe,
I love your blog, but I think that said reporter was still working today since a news piece with his name has just been released.

Cheers,
Prot

Prot,

You understand nothing about this. You are clearly away from this world and besides it is me who have access to the paddock. I am tired of these people who have nothing to do except to insult others. I was giving inside information for free and that is how you respond. You are not a serious person and you have your morals totally distorted.

That is simply genial

[SuperAguri]

Our reporter not sacked
There were reports that our excellent Japanese reporter, who only reports on the facts with sources, had been fired. We like to put straight the false rumours as he is still working for us and will be also be part of the commentary team for Fuji TV on their coverage of the F1RMGP series and he will also be a media advisor to Super Aguri too, so we expect nore exclusives from the talented Japanese team. Yes we can proudly say that Onara Kusai is one of our best reporters and we at Autosport are proud to have him. (Ed: That's enough self flattery, get on with writing reports or we will fire you)

Hideki Noda on way to Dome
We have heard from the management of Hideki Noda that he has signed a deal with Dome, we expect Dome to announce their final driver line up today. Hideki Noda never had a chance first time around but he did show flashes of speed and with a lot of testing he will probably score points and podiums this season.

Super aguri to keep same driver line up
As Yuji Ide and Marco Apicella did such a fantastic job last year they are both staying with Super Aguri, Yuji ide said "Super Aguri is the best team to race for, Aguri Suzuki is a fantastic boss and I hope we can win the championship this year.", Aguri Suzuki himself said "These two drivers are fantastic and I think this year will be our year as long as we do not get any meat pies, pasties, papayas or Mr Richer in our way.".

Bruno Gaicomelli smashes lap record
In a closed test session at the Okayama International Circuit today, Bruno Gaicomelli in a modified Osella chassis with the 1000bhp Suzuka engine, smashed Michael Schumachers 17 year old lap record by over 3 seconds, recording a time of 1:10.834. A spokesman for Suzuki said "It was fantastic, everyone was happy and we hope we can beat teams such as Viking, Forti and Super Aguri easily.". No word from the F1RMGP management or F1RM about an engine deal or an entry. However with times like this we hope that Suzuki can lap on more tracks then the top gear test track.

Is Bruno Gaicomelli The Stig?
A few days before he smashed the Okayama lap record, Suzuki arranged for Bruno to lap the Top Gear test track in the Suzuki Liana and he recorded a time of 1.43.8, two tenths quicker then Sebastian Vettel who races in the poorer F1 series. However as it was a private test it will not be shown on Top Gear, however Jeremy Clarkson did say "Some say he uses the Suzuki Escudo Hill Climb Special to drive down the shops with, some say he has a Suzuki Liana for Sunday best, all we know is that he is The Stig".

[tommykl]

HISPANIA RACING CONSIDERING F1RMGP TOO?

With news of new teams circulating around F1RMGP, Hispania Racing is set too to join the championship. Reportedly, the team will use Seat engines. The team have yet to annouce the drivers; however, rumours circulated that the team is set to hire Adrian Campos and Jorge de Bagration as their drivers. No further information is available yet at this moment.

Spanish article: (I used Google Translate for this)

HISPANIA RACING CONSIDERANDO F1RMGP TAMBIÉN?

Con la noticia de los nuevos equipos que circulan alrededor F1RMGP, Hispania Racing es demasiado para unirse al campeonato. Según se informa, el equipo utilizará los motores de Seat. El equipo aún no anunciar los controladores, sin embargo, circularon rumores de que el equipo está configurado para contratar a Adrián Campos y Jorge de Bagration que sus conductores. No hay más información disponible aún en este momento.

De Bagration won't be possible. Schmidt and Lombardi are already back, and there isn't any place for one more

[SuperAguri]

What teams could get the final two spots?
With Dome and Spyker already entered, there are two spots free after Team America, Lola, Life, Osella all ceased to exist and DAMS / Prost merging. There are seven teams that have shown interest in getting these two spots and here at Autosport we shall rate their chances.

Suzuki

They have bought up the remains of Life and Osella, they are a manufacturer, they have a powerful engine (we think it is the most powerful engine in F1RMGP to date), they have a team and a base, they say they have willing sponsors and they have done a lot of testing with Bruno Gaicomelli and they have smashed lap records. So we do think if they do not manage to supply an engine to F1RM then they will be favourite to get one of the spots. Their drivers are likely to be Bruno Gaicolmelli and Toshio Suzuki.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 90%


Bruno in action at Okayama

Arrows

Prince Malik has been a very busy bunny, he has bought the remains of Lola, got an upgraded Hart V10 engine, signed up Enrique Bernoldi, Vincenzo Sospiri and Alan Jenkins and manged to persuade Repsol, PIAA, T-Minus and Orange to sponsor the new team. They have manage to do some testing in the Lola Hart but the early results are not so great but they should manage to get qualifying times.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 60%


Prince Malik overseeing a possible new Arrows team.

Hispania
On paper they have an engine but only possible drivers including Adrian Campos, they are working on the Chassis as they are not allowed to use their old F1 chassis. As with their time in F1, there are still question marks on how they will fund the team. It could be likely that if they get a spot they will get a constant DNQ after each session.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 40%


Hispania's chances?

Daihatsu
Despite being a manufacturer team they are quite weak as they only have an old Team America chassis to race with and they have been setting times that are so slow that they would get a DNQ. So slow that their test drive is unknown and has been helicoptered out of the circuit after each session.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 10%

The others, Arrowtech are a minnow in lower formula racing and it is likely they put their name forward to get some press, they probably have a 0% chance of being on the grid if not lower. We hear that Matsuhisa Kojima is interested to enter the Kojima Engineering team back in racing, it has been a bit hush hush but he could be a surprise enterant to the grid, we give them a 40% chance. Lastly a Russian business man is keen to enter F!RMGP and has brought the rights the Madi project, again there is little information around but it will be a Russian designed chassis with a Russian built engine probably carrying the Volga branding, we give them a 70% chance as the Russian businessman is known to be a billionaire.

[wmetcalf68]

What teams could get the final two spots?
With Dome and Spyker already entered, there are two spots free after Team America, Lola, Life, Osella all ceased to exist and DAMS / Prost merging. There are seven teams that have shown interest in getting these two spots and here at Autosport we shall rate their chances.

Suzuki

They have bought up the remains of Life and Osella, they are a manufacturer, they have a powerful engine (we think it is the most powerful engine in F1RMGP to date), they have a team and a base, they say they have willing sponsors and they have done a lot of testing with Bruno Gaicomelli and they have smashed lap records. So we do think if they do not manage to supply an engine to F1RM then they will be favourite to get one of the spots. Their drivers are likely to be Bruno Gaicolmelli and Toshio Suzuki.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 90%


Bruno in action at Okayama

Arrows

Prince Malik has been a very busy bunny, he has bought the remains of Lola, got an upgraded Hart V10 engine, signed up Enrique Bernoldi, Vincenzo Sospiri and Alan Jenkins and manged to persuade Repsol, PIAA, T-Minus and Orange to sponsor the new team. They have manage to do some testing in the Lola Hart but the early results are not so great but they should manage to get qualifying times.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 60%


Prince Malik overseeing a possible new Arrows team.

Hispania
On paper they have an engine but only possible drivers including Adrian Campos, they are working on the Chassis as they are not allowed to use their old F1 chassis. As with their time in F1, there are still question marks on how they will fund the team. It could be likely that if they get a spot they will get a constant DNQ after each session.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 40%


Hispania's chances?

Daihatsu
Despite being a manufacturer team they are quite weak as they only have an old Team America chassis to race with and they have been setting times that are so slow that they would get a DNQ. So slow that their test drive is unknown and has been helicoptered out of the circuit after each session.

Chances of being on the grid in 2014 : 10%

The others, Arrowtech are a minnow in lower formula racing and it is likely they put their name forward to get some press, they probably have a 0% chance of being on the grid if not lower. We hear that Matsuhisa Kojima is interested to enter the Kojima Engineering team back in racing, it has been a bit hush hush but he could be a surprise enterant to the grid, we give them a 40% chance. Lastly a Russian business man is keen to enter F!RMGP and has brought the rights the Madi project, again there is little information around but it will be a Russian designed chassis with a Russian built engine probably carrying the Volga branding, we give them a 70% chance as the Russian businessman is known to be a billionaire.

I think I want Kojima and Suzuki! Also, if 1 doesn't make it, maybe the russian Madi team.

[dinizintheoven]

A statement from Marktin Brundell

Ye gods. I go on holiday for a few days - just a brief break sunning myself on a beach in St Lucia - and Autosport runs riot! I think the best thing to do is let the Series Management themselves squash a couple of the more prevalent rumours flying around the F1RMGP Silly Season...

Incidentally, who let Joe Saward onto the scene? Next thing you know he'll be trying to get Vitantonio Liuzzi a seat at Viking or F1RM, or maybe Super Aguri.

What's that, Sir Bernard...?


The latest news direct from the Series Management - and there's a whole ton of it!

What's going on at Simtek?
Earlier in the 2013 season it was announced that Simtek had taken a major sponsor on board with the intention of propelling them far up the grid. Still, nobody knows who it is, and they're saying nothing. What we do know, though, is: Taki Inoue has been given the boot. Despite scoring the team's best result of 2013 (sixth in Canada), he was thoroughly outperformed by Paul Belmondo and the team management has swung the axe. That he failed to make the grid six times to Belmondo's single aberration, plus that his last five races read one retirement and four DNQs, is what has done for him. Where he will go, nobody knows, although there are seats going at Spyker and Dome, with Dome likely to want a Japanese driver; but will Inoue be good enough for them? Is he a better bet than the current favoured choice, Hideki Noda?

Also on the way out...
...is Gregor Foitek. His is a similar story to Taki Inoue's; one major result, that of a sixth place finish, and a litany of DNQs in a car which Fabrizio Barbazza put on the grid at all 16 races. His second half of the season was spectacularly bad – five DNQs, two retirements and a 20th place, while Barbazza's record in the other Monteverdi was two retirements, one 21st and five points finishes – taking 30 points in total in the second half. What went wrong for Foitek? He will have plenty of time to think about it as he looks for another drive. Olivier Grouillard has wasted no time in sorting out a new drive – he's moved to Monteverdi without a second's hesitation, figuring someone at the Swiss factory will speak French. So it's decided. Next year's mobile chicane will be purple...
Also, had you noticed? Grouillard and Barbazza were team-mates at AGS at the 1991 Spanish Grand Prix. However, I doubt anyone did notice, because both drivers DNPQed and the F1 team folded after that race. The two drivers will get a whole season together now. And with Monteverdi taking the numbers 17 and 18 for next season, the team had no hesitation in handing out the numbers in the "wrong" order - with Grouillard the new boy at the team he should have had 18, but as he had 17 and Barbazza 18 at that last fateful race, that's the way they'll line up on the 2014 F1RMGP grid.

Autosport's eagle eye is working...
Alain Prost and René Arnoux have declared their intention to race in 2014 under the name of Société Prost-Arnoux Motorsport. They knew all along that the acronym for their name would be SPAM. And you all thought Le Professeur was a hopeless team boss, didn't you? The team have signed their first ever non-French sponsor; it is the American tinned meat company, Hormel Foods. I think you all know which of their products will be advertised on the car. A few groans may have been heard in the new team's canteen, though, where the chefs were heard to say "what is this, er, 'ow you say, SPAM?" Their reply on hearing its explanation is not repeatable before 11 pm.

Aguri Suzuki's numbers game
The Series Management have offered Aguri Suzuki the chance to trade his team's current numbers, 3 and 4, for those of AGS, 7 and 8. His response is keenly awaited. The fact that he never objected in the 2011 and 2012 seasons may not count in his favour.

[dinizintheoven]

Now brace yourselves for this one...

As if the situation in Japan couldn't get any more fraught...
No sooner had the Inoue/Noda rumours flown around, than the mystery was swiftly solved. Dome have signed their second driver alongside Emanuele Naspetti. And he is... MARCO APICELLA.

They'd had their eye on him, as another of their former drivers from Japanese Formula 3000, from the 1994 season. Of course, he's been swiped from under the nose of Super Aguri, who hadn't completely signed and sealed his contract (contrary to what Autosport might think)... plus, there was the small matter of that ugly fallout from the "tiny piece of papaya in the engine' incident at the end of the 2013 season which cast doubt into Apicella's mind at the ever more erratic behaviour of his team boss. This may be what has drawn Apicella into what all the experts are saying is a less competitive drive. Dome are now all ready to start the season... Super Aguri no longer are.

But Aguri fears not...
...for he sees plenty of potential drivers who will all be queueing up to fill a slot at what should be the sharp end of the grid. Those who are currently out of a drive are:
- ex-Life drivers Bruno Giacomelli (currently testing for Suzuki) and Gary Brabham
- ex-Team America drivers Scott Speed and Jimmie Johnson
- ex-Osella drivers Piercarlo Ghinzani and Andrea Chiesa
- ex-Lola drivers Plamen Kralev and Ricardo Teixeira
- ex-DAMS driver Vincenzo Sospiri (possibly associated with a bid to enter F1RMGP from Arrows)
- ex-Simtek driver Taki Inoue
- ex-Monteverdi driver Gregor Foitek
...but it's got to be said, none of these, at all, had a stellar season. So, as a potential extra route, Aguri Suzuki is also trying to persuade other drivers to move teams, or join the series... he has his eye on the following:
- Jan Magnussen at Viking (yes, seriously!)
- Chris Dagnall at F1RM (yes, also, seriously!)
- Gabriele Tarquini at AGS, even though he's said he isn't going anywhere
- Allan McNish and Ralph Firman at Toleman, as well as their former drivers, Rrrrrmmmnn Grrrrjjjjnnn and Ralf Schumacher
- former GP2 reject, Marko Asmer
- nearly-F1 driver José Maria López
- Japanese ex-F1 drivers and not necessarily rejects, Ukyo Katayama and Tora Takagi
- vaguely serious bids from Japanese F1 rejects Toshio Suzuki, Hideki Noda and Sakon Yamamoto, probably thrown straight in the bin because they applied for the Dome drive
- an even more vaguely serious bid from Naoki Hattori, who really did intend to drive for Dome's F1 test programme... then again, so did Marco Apicella
- non-Japanese F1 rejects Justin Wilson, Nicholas Kiesa and Norberto Fontana
- former Stig, Ben Collins
- Indy driver with the appropriate name, Will POWER!
- hot-headed Touring Car thug, Jason Plato
- Icelandic WRC sometime-racer, Guðmundur Einarsson, brother of Þorvaldur...

And what of the new teams?
The merger of Prost and DAMS means another slot has been vacated for a new team to join the grid. Varying degrees of interest have come from the following, some with a bit of Shekelslike coercion:
- F1 rejects Hispania Racing, and their "predecessors", Campos
- F1 never-weres-but-a-lot-of-people-wanted-them-to-be, Epsilon Euskadi, who have declared their intention to race under the Basque flag
- F1 never-weres-and-were-never-going-to-bes, Phoenix Grand Prix
- Suzuki's potential going-it-alone squad
- GP2 rejects, now in Auto GP, Durango – but their tie-in with Jacques Villeneuve means they'd probably have to merge with Stefan
- GP2 ultra-rejects, David Price Racing
- Kimi Räikkönen's sometime rallying squad, ICE 1 Racing
- French ex-F1 constructors and electric buzzbox builders, Venturi
- a resurrection of Pacific Racing, alongside the team that originally took them over...
- Prince Malik? Seriously? (Arrows)
- oh, those Russians... (Madi)

[SuperAguri]

Aguri Suzuki fuming and happy
Aguri Suzuki was furious at Marco Apicella management as Marco Apicella signed with Dome, he said "In my hand, I have a signed contract with Marco Apicellas management that he will driver the 2014 season with Super Aguri. Well we will be taking this to the contracts board and will make Dome pay.", Marco Apicella said "I am glad to be back at Dome, I did test for them before and they are a nice bunch of people, I will be happy here". Marco Apicellas manager said "Well we did not really sign the contract with Super Aguri, well we did a bit, but I am sure Dome will pay up...".

However Super Aguri was happy with the new numbers of 7 and 8 and he sent AGS a couple of bottles of finest Sake.

Hideki Noda linked to Simtek
Although he failed to get the Dome seat, Nodas links with Simtek means that he is confident to get a drive. "I feel like number one choice" he said, wearing his old Simtek race suit, "I wore this, three, four times. I hope I will get to race car". We feel that he does have a good chance and the Simtek management have been making positive noises.

Gregor Foitek says Monteverdi was like being a slave
Gregor Foitek hit back at his sacking saying "I drove well, but the car was always set up for Fabrizio Barbazza and they only wanted my fathers money. I was lucky to get that 6th, I worked hard, sometimes they never even bothered to change settings for the car, hence all my DNQs. I am glad to get away from that crap team, I hope they score no points this year. I am sure another team wants a talented pay driver.". Monteverdi did not answer our questions at this time, instead threatened us with a shotgun.

SPAM Canteen on strike
After Société Prost-Arnoux Motorsport signed Hormel foods as a sponsor, the canteens had to serve Spam or at least have it on the menu, however the cooks were disgusted at this and went on a wildcat strike, a chef said "How dare they put this 'orrible American food in our French cafe, I rather lightly grill a diseased plague rat and serve it with a garlic and onion gravy then serve Spam.", another said "They take Frogs Legs off the menu for Spam? Gordon Bleu". Prost and Arnoux are currrently in talks to solve this problem before Hormel foods visit later this week.

Mystery Russian Business man speaks
The mystery Russian business man who has revived the old Madi project has come out and spoke to us saying "Who do I need to pay off to enter F1? I am very rich, I can offer him personally 5 million dollars to fast track me in.", we gave his the F1RMGPs head honchos phone number and he then cut us off. We wish him well.

Prince Malik says Arrows are ready
Prince Malik says that his team are ready to go, they have a chassis, engine, designer, base, drivers, sponsors and a huge stack of cash ready to enter F1, he said "Arrows need to come back into F1, they are the longest running team never to score a win, and I feel that I can change this, we will not make the mistakes that the late Tom Walkinshaw made in firing drivers every season. This is for Arrows and I hope the F1RMGP management can see this and grant us entry over those two bit teams that have no chance of entering a car or have bugger all resources or money. If Stefan can enter F1 then we should be able to as we are more prepared and have a much better car too.

Marktin Brundell is lazy
Unlike Marktin Brundell, certain Autosport reports never take holidays and leave the F1 news to gather dust, further more... [Lawyer : Let us cut this before we get sued] [Ed: Keep to the facts please.] and I hope he gets back to reporting the news.

Chris Dagnall offered $750,000 a race
Super Aguri have offered a meaty contract to Chris Dagnall of $12m for the season, this is nearly 6 times what F1RM pay him now. Chris Dagnall we hear is seriously mulling it over and we think we will hear an answer later this week. However our money is on the skilled Japanese driver Ukyo Katayama, as Murray Walker once said the best driver that Grand Prix racing has produced.

Only a few teams have a chance
We still believe that Suzuki and Madi have the best chance of entering F1 with Arrows a close third. Most of the other teams want to enter but do not have the resources and / or the money to enter. Kojima have sent their application to the F1RMGP management and they hope they have read it. Epsilon Euskadi and Phoenix are the only other two teams that have a fighting chance. Daihatsu have even had their application unopened and returned to them with the words "unsolicited mail, please return." however they have resent it in a faint hope.

[/quote]

[dinizintheoven]

Aguri Suzuki fuming and happy
...However Super Aguri was happy with the new numbers of 7 and 8 and he sent AGS a couple of bottles of finest Sake.

The team was alleged to be delighted, but nobody could confirm it. No management could be found, but a mechanic was found unconscious outside AGS's shed in the south of France, with a traffic cone on his head, singing a song about goblins. In Japanese. The mechanic only speaks French.

SPAM Canteen on strike
After Société Prost-Arnoux Motorsport signed Hormel foods as a sponsor, the canteens had to serve Spam or at least have it on the menu, however the cooks were disgusted at this and went on a wildcat strike, a chef said "How dare they put this 'orrible American food in our French cafe, I rather lightly grill a diseased plague rat and serve it with a garlic and onion gravy then serve Spam.", another said "They take Frogs Legs off the menu for Spam? Gordon Bleu". Prost and Arnoux are currrently <---- COMEDY FRENCH ACCENT! in talks to solve this problem before Hormel foods visit later this week.

Sacre Bleu, René, what is 'appening to our menu? And what are these fans of the Viking Racing team doing 'ere... with their divided loyalties, and is that HWNSNBM making a cameo appearance?


Another actual real life interlude...

I only took a quick look at this thread as I'm in the middle of a very busy weekend. Hence... "Marktin Brundell is on holiday / lazy / take your pick of who's right". Or, at least, that was the intention. I'm actually quite grateful to see that any fears I may have had mid-season (such as when there were no replies at all between posting race results) that nobody was looking were unfounded. Or is it just that the Silly Season speculation is more interesting than the actual racing?

Either way, more updates will come from the Series Management in (probably) a couple of days, and I'm sure Marktin will be separating the finely crafted furniture from the Argos chipboard junk.

[Salamander]

HRT shoe-in for 2014 F1RMGP season - you heard it here first
written by Not Joe Saward
The F1RMGP entry proposal by Hispania has gained some serious momentum today as Colin Kolles today confirmed that work on their 2014 challenger was 'well underway'. When questioned as to whether this was a little hasty on his part, Kolles answered, "Well, Fondmetal Team Malaysia opted to use their old T127 for last year, which everyone then copied. I see no reason why we can't use an old Hispania. All the other entries have to worry about getting a hold of cars, which is a problem we won't have."

Kolles went on to confirm that the team will be using a SEAT engine, though he refused to comment on the engine other than saying it would be 'quite quick'. The leading theory at the moment is that the engine will feature two heavily tuned SEAT Ibiza engines nailed to turbos found outside the Mecachrome factory, then stuck together to create a twin-turbo V8. Or something like that.

As for drivers, Sakon Yamamoto is strongly linked with the lead drive, Kolles having made rather strong hints that he had signed the former Dome hopeful. Adrian Campos is also strongly linked with the drive, having set up the team's original incarnation as Campos Meta. Unconfirmed reports also state that HRT have 'definitely signed Vitantonio Liuzzi to a multi-year contract', although given the puzzled face Colin Kolles made when confronted with this information, it's probably my rather unhinged partial-namesake making rubbish up. Again.

Shock expose on Autosport!
written by Sensationalist B. Journalist Jr.
As long-time followers of the F1RMGP series will no doubt have noticed by now, the reporting from Autosport has gotten rather... shall we say. unlike a publication of their calibre. Frequently getting things wrong and their rock-solid defense of Aguri Suzuki when all evidence points to the man being nearly as loony as Gunther Schmidt (although, admittedly, that would be Aggers on a pretty bad day and Schmidt on his very best behaviour). Autosport was once regarded as a shining beacon for all motorsports journalism, but in recent months it seems as all that has drained away. In order to find out what exactly has happened to the once-King of the hill, Some Publication has chosen I, Sensationalist B. Journalist Jr. as the man to report the goings on at Autosport.

Using my immense charisma and investigative experience, I went to the Autosport head offices posing as a prospective journalist, where I was taken on a tour of the building, although frustratingly I was refused access to what was quite clearly the writing floor. With my intrigue sparked by this curious refusal, I noted the room's location and later returned once I had slipped away under the pretense of a bathroom break. What I found could only be expressed in pictorial form.


WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS? WHY IS THERE A MONKEY WRITING FOR AUTOSPORT? WHY!? WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY ACCOMPLISH!?
Black-and-white filter applied because I forgot I left the bloody thing on.

With this revelation made apparent to me, i took a quick glance around - few writers were present as it was lunch break, so I was able to sneak towards an unoccupied desk - coincidentally, the one reported fired a couple of weeks ago by Joe Saward. What I found there was very interesting, indeed.


That is certainly a lot of yen. I wonder who could've provided this, given Autosport is based in the UK and it would be very impractical for anyone to have this much yen...

And with that, I leave the conclusions to you, dear reader. It cannot be denied that there are some fishy goings-on at Autosport...

[Ed. - Sen, this had better bloody not be illegal, I swear to God.

[SuperAguri]

A journalist from 'Some Publication' magazine was arrested today after claims that he trepassed and stole items from the 'Autosport' offices. Autosport are pressing charges and said "We find it hard to believe that a rival publication would use a stock photo of a monkey on what can only be described as a 1920s typewritter and say we employ monkies. The journalist in question also stole biscuits as we have footage of him doing so and examining peoples desks, 91000 yen is not that much, our journalists travel a lot and we ask them not to change money due to currency prices and charges as it is expensive.". 'Some Publication' have refused to answer any questions, although an insider said that the editor was very angry.

off topic : we know you get busy, although Mr Brundell should have had some crisis rather then go off on Holiday unlike the hard working Autosport journalists ;p. I am still hopeing for a F1RM Suzuki deal and Arrows to make the grid