F1RMGP presents: The 24 Hour V8 Bathurst Enduro 2014

[Pointrox]

One thing - Apollonia GT Racing is a Polish team, powered by Hydook - they only service their cars etc.
I already fixed the flag, so it's no big deal

[MinardiFan95]

Yes, my team is from Australia. If it would be possible, could the team name be changed to Gulf Oils Ford Australia Racing Team?

[dr-baker]

- Douglas Mann, 1998 F1 Challenge Championship

Now, what do I do here? I looked back through the F1CC thread, found the 1997 season, and found Daniel Melrose was the champion... aged 12. Or are there two Daniel Melroses in the same way that there are three James Davieses?

And, wait a minute... Douglas Mann was 13 on winning the 1998 F1CC.

Kids these days, eh? That BBC prediction about Miami Hamilton might have some truth in it after all.

EDIT: champions they are anyway, seeing as Dr Francesca Rimmer can now violate the rules of space and time at will. (Beat that, Stephen Hawking!)

Maybe it is their senior self (for reference Melrose also competed in SuperAguri's championship)?

But have we not already established that Douglas Mann et al. are time-travellers?

[dinizintheoven]

Before I do anything else, happy birthday to Sir Bernard Shekelslike! 69 years old today - in our reality, anyway. In F1RMGP reality, it's the end of November in 2014...

[MinardiFan95]

EDIT: And I see kostas22 has filled in Nick Percat's and Tony D'Alberto's info - so, we have got some V8 Supercar drivers in the line-up after all!

Crack on...

Alex Yoong also raced in V8 Supercars back in 2004 (hence why I picked him as my team's 3rd driver), where he raced at Bathurst for WPS Racing and also drove an AU Falcon in the second tier Konica Series for a few rounds the same year - including the round at Queensland Raceway that I went to.

[dinizintheoven]

Right! At the moment I am doing some more behind-the-scenes tests, and if these tests are anything to go by, this race should provide more bang for your buck than a box of Aldi fireworks. But first...

EUROBRUN!

Give me a number for the Autobacs car. If I don't get one, you'll get the very rejectful 40, and Leyton Dome Racing will be re-assigned 16.

SHADAZA!

I need to know which part of the UK Team Ultimate are from. If I don't get it by the start of qualifying, I'll assume they're English and will not be held responsible for any nationalism-related fallout. Also, is your Cave Johnson the same as this Cave Johnson?

[RonDenisDeletraz]

Right! At the moment I am doing some more behind-the-scenes tests, and if these tests are anything to go by, this race should provide more bang for your buck than a box of Aldi fireworks. But first...

EUROBRUN!

Give me a number for the Autobacs car. If I don't get one, you'll get the very rejectful 40, and Leyton Dome Racing will be re-assigned 16.

4

[dinizintheoven]

So... it is done. *riffage*

The first qualifying results will be hitting this thread on 27th April! So, Shadaza, there's your flag-selection deadline.

[dinizintheoven]

The night before the morning after...

Tuesday, 9th December, 2014. The sun was out over Bathurst as the teams lined up for a day of free practice, getting the non-V8 Supercar drivers used to their new machinery, as well as the teams, mechanics and all their various sponsors. There was also the slightly bizarre ritual that happens every time a new hologram is loaded up - convincing Peter Brock and Hitoshi Ogawa that, yes, they are still dead but have been magically revived for this race and can drive as if they were still alive. As the cars started to trickle out onto the Mount Panorama circuit for some early reconnaissance laps, the fans started turning up. "Bonza, mate! A second chance to beat up the Ford scum!" said one man, wearing a white wifebeater with "HOLDAN" crudely scrawled on it, shorts and flip-flops (as were all his friends) and wheeling fifty 24-packs of Aussie champagne on a trolley in front of him. As were all the others. After all, they'd need a lot of fuel to keep a fight going for five days, especially in this heat. The Ford fans weren't much different, all dressed identically except for the "FERD" drawn on their wifebeaters in blue biro. One had tried to draw the squiggly logo with an oval round it, but should have realised there's an F in Ford. As well as an O, an R and a D. Very few of them had heard of most of the drivers on offer, figuring that if they weren't Australian (or, at a strech, Kiwis) they couldn't be any good, and after watching the action for a good three minutes, they went back to kicking lumps out of each other, which is very difficult in flip-flops, but they managed it anyway.

Elsewhere round the track, there were some Japanese fans who had turned up to see their beloved Nissans hammer these crude Aussie machines into the ground. Far from fighting the home crowd, they would applaud politely whenever a GT-R passed them, especially if it was Super Aguri's car, where even the most ardently loyal Honda fan wasn't too annoyed to see the team in a Nissan for this event. In an attempt to blend in with the Australian crowd, some of the Japanese were wearing kimonos that had been cut down so that their arms and legs were showing, and were wearing those bizarre wooden flip-flops that could be heard clattering down the road a mile away. They still hadn't quite got the hang of the violence, though, except when a passing Korean in a Daewoo t-shirt was given a faceful of one of those wooden flip-flops, which didn't half hurt. Also, West Cliff's entry had brought its fair share of fans; hearing that a 33-year-old DeLorean was going to take the track, many of them were dressed as their favourite Back To The Future characters - actually, most of them had come as Doc Brown. Those who had put a bit more thought into their costumes had built their own hover boards, one had come as the 2015 Biff Tannen complete with gold-topped cane and copy of Gray's Sports Almanac, and the most convincing Marty McFly had brought a genuine 1980s ghetto-blaster with a mixtape that only played The Power Of Love (the Huey Lewis version, obviously). Meanwhile, the Cillit Bang! Trabant failed to bring in quite so many fans, except a man dressed as Barry Scott, who would squirt everything in sight and parrot "Bang! And the dirt is gone!" every time, and one Tasmanian communist who was convinced the smoking East German shed was going to demolish the decadent capitalist pigs with its superior True Socialist™ engineering, and was waving the hammer and sickle flag fervently (before some Holden and Ford fans briefly put aside their differences to give him a kicking). The Tassie commie also attracted the attention of Polish-with-a-hint-of-Croatian entry Apollonia GT Racing by Hydook, and the team's drivers, Marko Asmer, Mirko Bosevic and Plamen Kralev, who all remember the hard lives they had under communism, objected fiercely, and had security throw the offending political campaigner out the circuit.

There was excitement round the paddock. Despite Douglas Mann nursing the worst case of food poisoning since one of Viking Racing's weekends was ruined by their team caterers doing a bit too much SWEDISH STYLE! experimentation with a jar of mayonnaise that was six months past its use-by date, West Cliff were strangely confident in their ancient machine that was never anything to write home about even when it was new. Super Aguri had been soaking up the adulation from their home fans throughout the day, as had Psycho Soldiers, the other all-Japanese team. Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni's garage was surrounded by huge heavies in sharp Italian suits, with nobody really getting a look in; even the most intrusive of journalists from Japanese Autosport and Some Publication didn't stand a chance. HWNSNBM was in fine form, throwing Formula One Rejects Motorsport's Ford round the track like a seasoned veteran from the first lap, though he is pretty much superhuman and made up for the slight power deficiency on the Ford with some superb driving. He would even find some time later on to visit his old mucker Paul Stoddart, attending on behalf of Scudera Minardivas, to give some lucky passengers a lap or two of the circuit in the two-seater Minardi that's actually a Tyrrell. Team James Davies was still confusing everyone with its three different incarnations of the same driver, but as all the Aussies were so drunk by two in the afternoon they'd have struggled to tell a Holden from a Ford by this time and were just shouting abuse at anyone who looked at them the wrong way, it hardly mattered.

Down at the Valkyrie Racing garage, all eyes and camera lenses were on Emma Kimiläinen as she posed suggestively on the bonnet of the team's Holden, soon to be joined by Ramona Karlsson, who at least had one eye on the job in hand, while Nettan Lindgren fumed in the background at being old enough to be Emma's granny, but still refused to take up knitting just yet. Anyone who was hungry during the practice sessions needed to do no more than head down to Gillet Ecurie Nationale Belge's garage, where a catering van was parked outside with two enormous deep fryers, serving fine Belgian chips to anyone who would stump up the required amount of plastic Aussie dollars. As Laurent Seron tested their Holden on track, the other drivers, Thomas de Bock and Aurélien Moll were having a competition to see how many chips they could hold in their mouths at one time, before deciding the whole competition was futile because they'd never beat Morgan Spurlock. Even so, Moll was violently sick barely two minutes before being required to drive the car and only narrowly avoided Doing A Mark Webber™ at Forrest's Elbow. Several people did Do A Mark Webber™, though, when - as expected - Ben Fleet and Pippa Mann frittered away their time while Susie Wolff was busy driving the Foxdale Holden with their tounges rammed down each other's throats. Nine-year-old W. Metcalf, winner of a colouring competition in the latest issue of J.O.U.R.N.A.L. in which he was given the chance to go to the paddock and meet the teams on free practice day, was said to have been mentally scarred for life at some of the things the amorous couple were doing in the back of the Foxdale garage, and he was supposed to have been in Virgin Melrose's garage anyway...

"Scream for me, Bathurst!"

And now for the evening: the Bathurst Enduro held an all-night warm-up party that started almost immediately after the circuit had been cleared after free practice, known as F1RMGP Rocks! (Unlike F1 In Bahrain, Which Doesn't). Among those playing in a huge marquee inside the Mount Panorama circuit were three separate AC/DC tribute bands (one of which was alleged, through the alcoholic haze of the crowd, to be Airbourne), Flight Of The Conchords, an Emerson, Lake & Palmer tribute band made up of Adrian Sutil, Damon Hill and Eddie Jordan, Ralf Schumacher in drag doing an impression of Dannii Minogue (he was an F1RMGP driver once, remember?), an INXS tribute band featuring a Michael Hutchence lookalike who'd been out of work since the man himself died, and who had an "H" stuck to his head, Flight Of The Conchords again, and Alchemist. But the most interesting of all was Grjótagjá, otherwise known as Þorvaldur Einarsson's very Nordic musical project. Having been busy winning the Drivers' Championship in 2014, he hadn't had time to write any originals, but nonetheless teamed up with some like-minded Aussie musicians, rumoured (if not explicitly confirmed) to be members of Ironwood, Shangren and Troldhaugen, for what was band's debut gig; it was a covers set, made of Þorvaldur's favourites:
A Fine Day To Die / Kylän Päässä (with the lyrics freely translated into Icelandic...) / They Came By Wind And Sail / Heralder / Kvaðning / Back To North (a cover of a cover, bizarrely enough...)

Plastic Viking helmets and inflatable hammers were seen throughout the entire gig, not just Grjótagjá's set - and also the next morning, amongst the bodies strewn all over the campsite from having drunk far too much for far too long. Ever the opportunists, the cash-strapped Virgin Melrose B-team gathered up discarded helmets, hammers, flip-flops, traffic cones and even shorts, and set up a stall to sell all these items back to those punters who'd lost them in a drunken frenzy and weren't in any position to argue, as they woke and it dawned on them what they'd all done.

Þorvaldur, at this point, realised he was the one who had to drive the Viking car in qualifying first thing in the afternoon. Alka-Seltzer helpfully offered extra sponsorship on the car if he could get it in the top five.

[TomWazzleshaw]

That post is exactly why I love the F1RMGP

And it's the little squirt's fault he got lost on the way to the MRT garage. Although Melrose himself was under the distinct impression his manager was looking after Mr Metcalf for the day

[Shadaza]

Oh crikey, Team Ultimate is from the Sath (South) of England.

Cave Johnson is the very same Portal Cave Johnson, only instead of a Hologram is a personality core inserted in to the salvagedremains of Top Gears Black Stig. (The One that was killed off by being launched over a aircraft carrier.) Just roll with it.

[FMecha]

Though not written in the preview, I can see the fact that Pac Racing Team will eat others away. Literally. (Diniz, keep in mind that Pac Racing is based from the team in Ridge Racer Type 4)

[dinizintheoven]

That post is exactly why I love the F1RMGP

Excellent. Who needs Coronation Street, or Neighbours, when you've got this soap opera on the go?

Oh crikey, Team Ultimate is from the Sath (South) of England.

Anticipated and updated about an hour ago.

Cave Johnson is the very same Portal Cave Johnson, only instead of a Hologram is a personality core inserted in to the salvaged remains of Top Gears Black Stig. (The One that was killed off by being launched over a aircraft carrier.) Just roll with it.

The very same Black Stig who's driving the Cillit Bang! Trabant, you mean? The plot thickens so much I'm surprised it hasn't set.

Though not written in the preview, I can see the fact that Pac Racing Team will eat others away. Literally.

What? If any other team was going to "eat others away, literally in bold text", I'd have thought it'd be Zombie Conglomerate. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.

(Diniz, keep in mind that Pac Racing is based from the team in Ridge Racer Type 4)

Keep in mind that the whole grid's getting used to some very different cars...

[DemocalypseNow]

Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni has been pioneering a new espresso drink as part of their tie-up with Lavazza, and serving rather generously sized samples to everyone in the paddock. What nobody realised is that said new drink was concocted by new team principal Alasdair Lindsay, and was therefore called Glenfiddich Latte.

[dr-baker]

The night before the morning after...

Several people did Do A Mark Webber™, though, when - as expected - Ben Fleet and Pippa Mann frittered away their time while Susie Wolff was busy driving the Foxdale Holden with their tounges rammed down each other's throats. Nine-year-old W. Metcalf, winner of a colouring competition in the latest issue of J.O.U.R.N.A.L. in which he was given the chance to go to the paddock and meet the teams on free practice day, was said to have been mentally scarred for life at some of the things the amorous couple were doing in the back of the Foxdale garage, and he was supposed to have been in Virgin Melrose's garage anyway...

I am confused - I am supposed to be disgusted by this right? And yet I am feeling enviously jealous instead that two of my characters can be acting this way yet I can't.

Young Mr Metcalfe, I do apologise and hope that you will not be scarred for life by this. Oh and congratulations on winning the colouring competition - I saw the picture, and you stayed within the lines very well indeed!

[dinizintheoven]

Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni has been pioneering a new espresso drink as part of their tie-up with Lavazza, and serving rather generously sized samples to everyone in the paddock. What nobody realised is that said new drink was concocted by new team principal Alasdair Lindsay, and was therefore called Glenfiddich Latte.

I would hope that Glenfiddich Latte is made with the wonderfully smooth 15-year-old rather than the rather cardboardy 18-year-old. Or, better still, make it with Highland Park.

The new whisky espresso has been described by food and drink critics in the paddock as being a far more successful attempt to bring the culinary worlds of Scotland and Italy together than haggis pizza ever was.

I am confused - I am supposed to be disgusted by this right? And yet I am feeling enviously jealous instead that two of my characters can be acting this way yet I can't. Young Mr Metcalfe, I do apologise and hope that you will not be scarred for life by this. Oh and congratulations on winning the colouring competition - I saw the picture, and you stayed within the lines very well indeed!

Not so much disgusted as... whatever the rolly-eyes face that is available on this board is portraying, where the rolly-eyes face also has a speech bubble that says "oh, for HWNSNBM's sake, not again, get a room, you two!" I'd be more disgusted by what James Walker will be doing once his stint in the commentary box is finished. And that is something we'd really need to shield the young and innocent eyes of wmetcalf68 from.

Let's face it, no event of this magnitude would be complete without something going on that's not suitable for massively-underage viewers...

[TomWazzleshaw]

The night before the morning after...

Several people did Do A Mark Webber™, though, when - as expected - Ben Fleet and Pippa Mann frittered away their time while Susie Wolff was busy driving the Foxdale Holden with their tounges rammed down each other's throats. Nine-year-old W. Metcalf, winner of a colouring competition in the latest issue of J.O.U.R.N.A.L. in which he was given the chance to go to the paddock and meet the teams on free practice day, was said to have been mentally scarred for life at some of the things the amorous couple were doing in the back of the Foxdale garage, and he was supposed to have been in Virgin Melrose's garage anyway...

I am confused - I am supposed to be disgusted by this right? And yet I am feeling enviously jealous instead that two of my characters can be acting this way yet I can't.

Young Mr Metcalfe, I do apologise and hope that you will not be scarred for life by this. Oh and congratulations on winning the colouring competition - I saw the picture, and you stayed within the lines very well indeed!

Well, to be fair to Mr Metcalf, he only got lost because Melrose, Miss Andrews (Yes, she has a name ), Rhys and the entire Zimmer family (John, Frank, Ryan and Carter Simpson) spent all morning playing poker in the HRT garage

[dinizintheoven]

Breaking last-minute news: Virgin MRT secure new sponsorship

Not wanting to be upstaged by their own B-team in the financial stakes, Virgin MRT have announced a last-minute sponsorship deal with Full Tilt Poker, barely hours before qualifying begins. Said to be one of the most rejectful sponsors of modern times given that the whole company was a massive Ponzi scheme that was sent crashing down like a house of cards (pun very much intended), FTP are now back, and given their sponsorship of the even more rejectful Virgin Racing in 2010, they thought they'd renew the alliance with Beardy Branson. Even if, this time, the alliance is really with Daniel Melrose, who said he'd had the sponsorship idea after playing poker in Holden Racing Team's garage during free practice.

Timo Glock, driving in this race for Pac Racing, almost had a heart attack when he found out.

[dinizintheoven]

QUALIFYING SESSION 1
Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Code: Select all

1   22  West Cliff Racing / DeLorean                  M. McFry           2'04.855
2   2   Holden Racing Team / Holden                   P. Brock (H)       2'06.986
3   9   Formula One Rejects Motorsport / Ford         HWNSNBM            2'07.074
4   1   Viking Racing / Holden                        Þ. Einarsson       2'07.233
5   4   Autobacs Nippon Racing Team / Nissan          K. Tsukakoshi      2'07.411
6   8   Super Aguri Enduro / Nissan                   Y. Ide             2'07.465
7   12  Red Bull World Race Team / Holden             J. Hamilton        2'07.490
8   27  Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni / Holden      G. Tarquini        2'07.547
9   31  Telecom Italia Trueba Corse / Nissan          F. Giovanardi      2'07.707
10  7   Team James Davies / Nissan                    J. Davies I        2'07.913
11  21  Zombie Conglomerate / Ford                    J. Plaza           2'08.054
12  36  Team Ultimate / Holden                        A. Beatriz         2'08.211
13  13  Cillit Bang! Trabant Factory Team / Trabant   P. McCarthy        2'08.436

Code: Select all

14  15  Pac Racing Team / Nissan                      H. Tojo            2'08.569
15  17  Aeroracing Engineering / Nissan               P. McAllister      2'09.320
16  16  Leyton Dome Engineering / Nissan              H. Noda            2'09.835
17  6   Gulf Oils Ford Australia Racing Team / Ford   D. Simpson         2'09.875
18  32  Apollonia GT Racing by Hydook / Ford          M. Asmer           2'09.963
19  11  Valkyrie Racing / Holden                      E. Kimiläinen      2'10.009
20  19  Virgin Melrose Racing Team / Ford             D. Melrose         2'10.052
21  25  Gillet Ecurie Nationale Belge / Holden        T. de Bock         2'10.089
22  20  Foxdale Auto Racing Team / Holden             S. Wolff           2'10.514
23  33  Team Sunshine Infiniti / Nissan               S. Katayama        2'10.731
24  23  Scuderia Minardivas / Ford                    V. Ickx            2'10.867
25  34  Psycho Soldiers / Ford                        H. Ogawa (H)       2'11.025
26  29  Virgin Melrose Racing Team B / Ford           V. Reyna-Sanchez   2'12.219

GREAT SCOTT!

Barely one session into the inaugural Bathurst Enduro and we've got our first shock already. Three legends were duking it out for the fastest time in this session – reconstituted Aussie legend Peter Brock, and F1RMGP champions HWNSNBM and Þorvaldur Einarsson. Then, would you believe it, a 33-year-old DeLorean takes to the track, which never gave much from its gutless Renault V6 engine even when it was now, and suddenly... Martin McFry plonks it on pole by over two seconds! Call it a cliché if you must, but that car must be able to bend time, and I'd wager that's going to be pole position even with the remaining two qualifying sessions still to come. And in a further shock, Koudai Tsukakoshi in the Autobacs Nissan, nominally the lowest-ranked of the Japanese cars, managed to beat the mighty Yuji Ide in Super Aguri's lead Nissan! What a result! The next few places were contested by F3RWRS youngster Jason Hamilton and touring car legends Gabriele Tarquini and Fabrizio Giovanardi, ideally suited to this format, with James Davies, the 1995 version from the eponymous team, not far behind. Into the 2'08s was Jesus Plaza, 11th in the second-highest Ford, beating Ana Beatriz in the Team Ultimate Holden and, rounding out the top half – a spectacular effort from Perry McCarthy in the Cillit Bang! Trabant. This, clearly, is no ordinary Rejectful Eastern European car...

Various amounts of egg can be seen on the faces of the cars in the bottom half, all beaten by a smoking commie-mobile. Hiroto Tojo in the Pac Racing Nissan was closest to not being beaten by it, but was the last driver in the 2'08s. Phoenix McAllister headed two Nissans and two Fords in the 2'09s, ahead of Hideki Noda, who must have thought he could have qualified further up, Dave Simpson and Marko Asmer, whose heroics in the latter half of the F1RMGP season have come to an abrupt halt. Even more disappointed, no doubt, would be the Valkyrie Racing Holden of Emma Kimiläinen, the first of the 2'10s – closely chased she was by Daniel Melrose in the lead Virgin MRT Ford and Thomas de Bock in the Gillet Holden, but it was for 19th to 21st places. The bottom five were Susie Wolff in the Foxdale Holden, which at least made it to the end of the session where its F1RWRS counterpart almost certainly wouldn't, followed by Shinobu Katayama and a dejected Vanina Ickx – a bad day for the girls, mostly, with these three firmly at the wrong end of the timesheets and only Ana Beatriz really taking the fight to the rest of the field. Still, if Peter Brock's rise from the grave was a triumphant one, it was the opposite story for Hitoshi Ogawa, second from last in the Psycho Soldiers Ford. But, a second adrift at the bottom, was Virgin MRT's B team with Vidal Reyna-Sanchez. They'll be hoping for a vast improvement in the next session.

[DemocalypseNow]

Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni DEMANDS the West Cliff Racing DeLorean is disqualified for cheating or they will gun down the rest of the paddock in protest.

[RonDenisDeletraz]

QUALIFYING SESSION 1
Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Code: Select all

1   22  West Cliff Racing / DeLorean                  M. McFry           2'04.855
2   2   Holden Racing Team / Holden                   P. Brock (H)       2'06.986
3   9   Formula One Rejects Motorsport / Ford         HWNSNBM            2'07.074
4   1   Viking Racing / Holden                        Þ. Einarsson       2'07.233
5   4   Autobacs Nippon Racing Team / Nissan          K. Tsukakoshi      2'07.411
6   8   Super Aguri Enduro / Nissan                   Y. Ide             2'07.465
7   12  Red Bull World Race Team / Holden             J. Hamilton        2'07.490
8   27  Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni / Holden      G. Tarquini        2'07.547
9   31  Telecom Italia Trueba Corse / Nissan          F. Giovanardi      2'07.707
10  7   Team James Davies / Nissan                    J. Davies I        2'07.913
11  21  Zombie Conglomerate / Ford                    J. Plaza           2'08.054
12  36  Team Ultimate / Holden                        A. Beatriz         2'08.211
13  13  Cillit Bang! Trabant Factory Team / Trabant   P. McCarthy        2'08.436

Code: Select all

14  15  Pac Racing Team / Nissan                      H. Tojo            2'08.569
15  17  Aeroracing Engineering / Nissan               P. McAllister      2'09.320
16  16  Leyton Dome Engineering / Nissan              H. Noda            2'09.835
17  6   Gulf Oils Ford Australia Racing Team / Ford   D. Simpson         2'09.875
18  32  Apollonia GT Racing by Hydook / Ford          M. Asmer           2'09.963
19  11  Valkyrie Racing / Holden                      E. Kimiläinen      2'10.009
20  19  Virgin Melrose Racing Team / Ford             D. Melrose         2'10.052
21  25  Gillet Ecurie Nationale Belge / Holden        T. de Bock         2'10.089
22  20  Foxdale Auto Racing Team / Holden             S. Wolff           2'10.514
23  33  Team Sunshine Infiniti / Nissan               S. Katayama        2'10.731
24  23  Scuderia Minardivas / Ford                    V. Ickx            2'10.867
25  34  Psycho Soldiers / Ford                        H. Ogawa (H)       2'11.025
26  29  Virgin Melrose Racing Team B / Ford           V. Reyna-Sanchez   2'12.219

GREAT SCOTT!

Barely one session into the inaugural Bathurst Enduro and we've got our first shock already. Three legends were duking it out for the fastest time in this session – reconstituted Aussie legend Peter Brock, and F1RMGP champions HWNSNBM and Þorvaldur Einarsson. Then, would you believe it, a 33-year-old DeLorean takes to the track, which never gave much from its gutless Renault V6 engine even when it was now, and suddenly... Martin McFry plonks it on pole by over two seconds! Call it a cliché if you must, but that car must be able to bend time, and I'd wager that's going to be pole position even with the remaining two qualifying sessions still to come. And in a further shock, Koudai Tsukakoshi in the Autobacs Nissan, nominally the lowest-ranked of the Japanese cars, managed to beat the mighty Yuji Ide in Super Aguri's lead Nissan! What a result! The next few places were contested by F3RWRS youngster Jason Hamilton and touring car legends Gabriele Tarquini and Fabrizio Giovanardi, ideally suited to this format, with James Davies, the 1995 version from the eponymous team, not far behind. Into the 2'08s was Jesus Plaza, 11th in the second-highest Ford, beating Ana Beatriz in the Team Ultimate Holden and, rounding out the top half – a spectacular effort from Perry McCarthy in the Cillit Bang! Trabant. This, clearly, is no ordinary Rejectful Eastern European car...

Various amounts of egg can be seen on the faces of the cars in the bottom half, all beaten by a smoking commie-mobile. Hiroto Tojo in the Pac Racing Nissan was closest to not being beaten by it, but was the last driver in the 2'08s. Phoenix McAllister headed two Nissans and two Fords in the 2'09s, ahead of Hideki Noda, who must have thought he could have qualified further up, Dave Simpson and Marko Asmer, whose heroics in the latter half of the F1RMGP season have come to an abrupt halt. Even more disappointed, no doubt, would be the Valkyrie Racing Holden of Emma Kimiläinen, the first of the 2'10s – closely chased she was by Daniel Melrose in the lead Virgin MRT Ford and Thomas de Bock in the Gillet Holden, but it was for 19th to 21st places. The bottom five were Susie Wolff in the Foxdale Holden, which at least made it to the end of the session where its F1RWRS counterpart almost certainly wouldn't, followed by Shinobu Katayama and a dejected Vanina Ickx – a bad day for the girls, mostly, with these three firmly at the wrong end of the timesheets and only Ana Beatriz really taking the fight to the rest of the field. Still, if Peter Brock's rise from the grave was a triumphant one, it was the opposite story for Hitoshi Ogawa, second from last in the Psycho Soldiers Ford. But, a second adrift at the bottom, was Virgin MRT's B team with Vidal Reyna-Sanchez. They'll be hoping for a vast improvement in the next session.

Good.

How on earth is the Trabant so high.

[TomWazzleshaw]

The hell happened to the car? It's almost undriveable! I was going three seconds quicker yesterday!

[dr-baker]

Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni DEMANDS the West Cliff Racing DeLorean is disqualified for cheating or they will gun down the rest of the paddock in protest.

And how are West Cliff Racing supposed to have cheated? They have the smallest budget of any team on this grid (on a par with the Cilit Bang! Trabant), and they have promised me that the car's time circuits are non-functional. After all, the budget won't stretch to plutonium, Mr Fusion is currently two months away from production, and thus the ability to produce 1.21 gigwatts of electricity for the time circuits is beyond the team...

[DemocalypseNow]

And how are West Cliff Racing supposed to have cheated? They have the smallest budget of any team on this grid (on a par with the Cilit Bang! Trabant), and they have promised me that the car's time circuits are non-functional. After all, the budget won't stretch to plutonium, Mr Fusion is currently two months away from production, and thus the ability to produce 1.21 gigwatts of electricity for the time circuits is beyond the team...

So your proof of deactivation is 'promise'? Pfft. Ridiculous. I don't care if you claim it's non-functional, it's still fitted to the car and therefore still usable. You lot are up to something sneaky, been taking lessons from Flav about the 1994 F1 season have we?

[dr-baker]

And how are West Cliff Racing supposed to have cheated? They have the smallest budget of any team on this grid (on a par with the Cilit Bang! Trabant), and they have promised me that the car's time circuits are non-functional. After all, the budget won't stretch to plutonium, Mr Fusion is currently two months away from production, and thus the ability to produce 1.21 gigwatts of electricity for the time circuits is beyond the team...

So your proof of deactivation is 'promise'? Pfft. Ridiculous. I don't care if you claim it's non-functional, it's still fitted to the car and therefore still usable. You lot are up to something sneaky, been taking lessons from Flav about the 1994 F1 season have we?

Have you not seen the documentary about the development and early history of the car? The time circuits are only able to send the car through space in 1-minute jumps. So had they been used, that would suggest that Matin set a time of either 3'04.855 or 4'04.855 then used the time circuits to send the car back in time by one or two minutes. And if the car were that slow, I doubt the car would be able to accelerate up to 88 mph between the last corner and the start finish line... Or whereever the longest straight is...

[DemocalypseNow]

Have you not seen the documentary about the development and early history of the car? The time circuits are only able to send the car through space in 1-minute jumps. So had they been used, that would suggest that Matin set a time of either 3'04.855 or 4'04.855 then used the time circuits to send the car back in time by one or two minutes. And if the car were that slow, I doubt the car would be able to accelerate up to 88 mph between the last corner and the start finish line... Or whereever the longest straight is...

The Conrod Straight is easily long enough to reach 88mph if that were the top speed of the car. The figures do add up, and your poor track knowledge proves your car must not be competitive whatsoever, otherwise you would know very well where the car could and could not hit the right speed.

[Salamander]

Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni DEMANDS the West Cliff Racing DeLorean is disqualified for cheating or they will gun down the rest of the paddock in protest.

Dude, seriously, just give it up. Instead of complaining and protesting like a James Allen, why don't you get on with the job like the rest of us? The DeLorean's quick, but it's still ancient, and can't be all that reliable. Kudos to West Cliff for taking that gamble, I say. The time travel capabilities are ridiculously racing, and we could tell if it had time travelled, because it would've been expelling some sort of time energy, as I have experienced in my own adventure through t

As for my own performance, I'm reasonably happy - we could've done better, but I'm just getting used this car and track. However, I believe that, given my lack of experience, I have impressed today, and Team James Davies can easily challenge for the race win.

[dr-baker]

Have you not seen the documentary about the development and early history of the car? The time circuits are only able to send the car through space in 1-minute jumps. So had they been used, that would suggest that Matin set a time of either 3'04.855 or 4'04.855 then used the time circuits to send the car back in time by one or two minutes. And if the car were that slow, I doubt the car would be able to accelerate up to 88 mph between the last corner and the start finish line... Or whereever the longest straight is...

The Conrod Straight is easily long enough to reach 88mph if that were the top speed of the car. The figures do add up, and your poor track knowledge proves your car must not be competitive whatsoever, otherwise you would know very well where the car could and could not hit the right speed.

I'm not even in the West Cliff DeLorean, I'm in the Foxdale Holden. I just happen to manage that team too! It's the engineers, mechanics and drivers who know the car inside-out. Geez.

[FMecha]

IT'S URGENT, DINIZ!

Will the qualifying be suspended during the temporary shutdown of the forums?

Kostas is planing to run a temporary forum during the temporary shutdown.

[DemocalypseNow]

:!: IT'S URGENT, DINIZ!

Will the qualifying be suspended during the temporary shutdown of the forums?

Kostas is planing to run a temporary forum during the temporary shutdown.

Yeah, erm, one small problem with that. I can't implement the temporary forum because my web host has gone and crapped itself. Hopefully my downtime ends before F1 Rejects' downtime starts

[dinizintheoven]

Urk!

I've just got back from my latest adventures, and... let's say, I'll be backing up this thread (as I have with all the others) so I don't lose anything. I'll keep my eye on what's happening on the Forum Shutdown Thread, and (once we know where and when we're up and running) I'll carry it on there with Q2, although I will repost the results of Q1.

What I might do with this thread is de-daysofyorr it, and put it up somewhere on my server where it can be seen as well.

Kostas, keep us up to date with how it's going, will you?

[DemocalypseNow]

I'm negotiating with Jamie to get unrestricted access to the forum - Administrator rights on phpBB, web host access, the lot. If I can, then, in theory, I can perhaps transfer absolutely everything, and it would look like the same old forum. It's like if F1 Rejects Forum were a house, and the virus represented the foundations of said house. I'm removing it from it's unstable base to a fresh better-built one.

Once the downtime is over it should be pretty fast to get the new site up and running, but for now, I shall require patience, waiting for the X10 engineers to fix the damn server.

[tommykl]

If the forum is down before yours can get up and running, there's always the wiki to keep us updated...

[dinizintheoven]

I did something really rejectful. I backed up all the F1RMGP forum threads to a USB drive, and I seem to have lost it.

Not to worry, because that old backup was done before this thread, and I've now re-archived the whole lot, up to and including this post I'm making now.

Anyone want to volunteer to do the F1RWRS threads?

[DemocalypseNow]

I did something really rejectful. I backed up all the F1RMGP forum threads to a USB drive, and I seem to have lost it.

Not to worry, because that old backup was done before this thread, and I've now re-archived the whole lot, up to and including this post I'm making now.

Anyone want to volunteer to do the F1RWRS threads?

Somehow I doubt it. But, it shouldn't matter, phpBB has a backup function which I can load onto my own fresh install. Wizzie will be over the bathplugging moon when he hears that this process retains all original posts & therefore he keeps his enormous lead in post count.
Oh, and that also means nobody has to sign up again. Everyone's logins will remain the same, usernames, passwords, avatars, signatures, the lot. And before anyone starts panicking - no, I can't see your password when I do this. It's encoded into the database at level which I can't access. So hopefully, as long as Jamie hands me the keys to the forum, it will be like nothing ever happened.

The problem is we can't just reset this forum and start over, there are bigger problems to fix here.

[Nessafox]

Viva la Revolucion! Thankfully Wartburghas the great leader of Venezuela Hugo Chavez in its car to save Austria from capitalism!

1 My name is Pedro, not Hugo
2 It's Chaves, not Chavez
3 I'm from Portugal, not from Venezuela
4 We're in Australia, not in Austria
5 We're driving a Trabant, not a Wartburg

[DemocalypseNow]

UPDATE: X10 servers have been restored. Working on putting the framework in place. Once that's done, all that's needed is for Jamie to give me access rights to this forum, copy all the post data over and we're ready to continue off from where we were.

UPDATE II: The phpBB forum software has been succesfully installed and tested, all I need now is to create a backup of this forum, load it onto mine, and all our problems are solved.

[dr-baker]

UPDATE: X10 servers have been restored. Working on putting the framework in place. Once that's done, all that's needed is for Jamie to give me access rights to this forum, copy all the post data over and we're ready to continue off from where we were.

UPDATE II: The phpBB forum software has been succesfully installed and tested, all I need now is to create a backup of this forum, load it onto mine, and all our problems are solved.

Hurrah!

And this is what I love about this forum - the effort people go to, to keep it going. Then discussing it within a totally random thread within it - if you wanted to read what was going on, how would anybody know it was this thread in which to look?

[FMecha]

Now we are back at the main forums. How's the qualifying?

[dinizintheoven]

If this was Knightmare, Treguard (and possibly Pickle, but hopefully not Majida) would be welcoming us back after a bit of temporal disruption. And so, time turns, the fire burns, timeout is gone, Qualifying Two is on!

QUALIFYING SESSION 2
Thursday, 11 December 2014

Code: Select all

1   12  Red Bull World Race Team / Holden             M. Paasonen        2'07.793
2   16  Leyton Dome Engineering / Nissan              M. Apicella        2'07.921*
3   36  Team Ultimate / Holden                        C. Johnson         2'07.959*
4   7   Team James Davies / Nissan                    J. Davies II       2'08.220
5   13  Cillit Bang! Trabant Factory Team / Trabant   P. Chaves          2'08.337*
6   33  Team Sunshine Infiniti / Nissan               K. Lon             2'08.469*
7   9   Formula One Rejects Motorsport / Ford         J-D. Délétraz      2'08.819
8   31  Telecom Italia Trueba Corse / Nissan          G. Roda            2'08.902
9   17  Aeroracing Engineering / Nissan               N. Bellic          2'09.114*
10  27  Scuderia Alitalia Andrea Coloni / Holden      E. Bertaggia       2'09.148
11  8   Super Aguri Enduro / Nissan                   S. Nakano          2'09.329
12  32  Apollonia GT Racing by Hydook / Ford          M. Bosevic         2'09.498*
13  1   Viking Racing / Holden                        J. Magnussen       2'09.543

Code: Select all

14  19  Virgin Melrose Racing Team / Ford             D. O'Lauchlan      2'09.618*
15  4   Autobacs Nippon Racing Team / Nissan          K. Oshima          2'10.087
16  23  Scuderia Minardivas / Ford                    S. de Silvestro    2'10.183*
17  25  Gillet Ecurie Nationale Belge / Holden        A. Moll            2'10.387
18  6   Gulf Oils Ford Australia Racing Team / Ford   R. Simpson         2'10.559
19  11  Valkyrie Racing / Holden                      N. Lindgren        2'10.775
20  20  Foxdale Auto Racing Team / Holden             P. Mann            2'10.811
21  2   Holden Racing Team / Holden                   M. Skaife          2'10.980
22  15  Pac Racing Team / Nissan                      S. Mackintosh      2'11.160
23  22  West Cliff Racing / DeLorean                  D. Mann            2'11.320
24  34  Psycho Soldiers / Ford                        Y. Katayama        2'11.323
25  21  Zombie Conglomerate / Ford                    D. Greenlaw        2'11.460
26  29  Virgin Melrose Racing Team B / Ford           J. Cavalcanti      2'11.835*

So, after yesterday's shock, much of the grid was back to normal for the Thursday qualifying session. This one was much closer, with a field spread of just under four seconds, mainly due to nobody up front putting in a truly thromping time. Even so, Red Bull World Racing Team took the bragging rights, with Mika Paasonen doing an admirable impression of Sebastian Vettel, thrusting a finger at the TV cameras, until it was pointed out to him that his time was slower that Jason Hamilton's the day before, and would only have scored tenth on that grid. Marco Apicella and Cave Johnson did manage to improve on their teams' times from Wednesday (hence the asterisk by the time), and James Davies II in fourth, was – quite embarrassingly for the rest of the field – the only other driver to outqualify Pedro Chaves in the Trabant; the Cillit Bang! Trabant team really had picked the right drivers for the job. So much did Chaves wring out of his heap of communist junk that it beat all the Fords, making the faces at Ford Australia's HQ turn as red as the colour of their deep rivals. Jean-Denis Délétraz was that lead Ford, sandwiched just behind Kay Lon for Team Sunshine Infiniti and ahead of a stunning (and stunned) Giovanni Roda, for Telecom Italia Trueba, and Aeroracing's Niko Bellic, all in Nissans. Bellic was the first not to break the 2'09 barrier but still improved his team's overall position; F1RMGP stalwarts Enrico Bertaggia, in the SAAC Holden, and Shinji Nakano, in the lead Nissan for Super Aguri, couldn't. Mirko Bosevic improved the Apollonia Ford's time overall, and managed to beat Jan Magnussen in the process, the Dane still having a torrid time after losing the F1RMGP Drivers' title. Dean O'Lauchlan, in 14th, was the last driver to qualify in the 2'09s and improved Virgin MRT's overall time, if only marginally.

Into the 2'10s, Kazuki Oshima couldn't repeat his team-mate's heroics on Wednesday, and ended up 15th, two and a half seconds adrift of where Koudai Tsukakoshi had been. Simona de Silvestro improved Scuderia Minardivas' fortunes slighty, but it'll be down to Michèle Mouton tomorrow to put that car where it really should be. And so followed a shedload of cars who were all slower that their counterparts had been the day before, starting with Aurélien Moll for Gillet Ecurie Nationale Belge, followed by Rick Simpson's Gulf Oils Ford, and three further Holdens – touring car veteran Nettan Lindgren for Valkyrie Racing, Pippa Mann for Foxdale and, unbeliveably, Mark Skaife for the in-house Holden Racing Team. What's happened to him? He'll hardly be impressed with seeing a smoking Trabant two and a half seconds up the field. Steven Mackintosh was 22nd for the Pac Racing Team, his Nissan failing to break the 2'11 barrier. This was also the case for Douglas Mann, but Martin McFry must surely have done enough for pole on Wednesday and the out-of-sorts Manxman took it easy in this session. Even so, he still managed to beat Yuka Katayama in the Psycho Soldiers Ford, Dan Greenlaw in the Zombie Conglomerate Ford, and João Cavalcanti in the Virgin MRT's B-team Ford, who amazingly posted a faster time than the day before.

One question remains: what's the secret of the Trabant? Does it run on meat pies? Maybe sauerkraut? Or, given its origins, Thüringer sausages?