Redneck Rejectification: The Story of Cletus Houston

[eichy]

It was November 20th, 1999. The grand finale weekend for the stock cars of America, at the Atlanta Motor Speedway. The first series to hit the track that weekend was the ARCA Racing Series, and one Cletus Houston, 21, of Little Rock, Arkansas, had the title locked up. The son of a rich Southern farmer, he celebrated with his team post-race, and had a post-season banquet later that night........

------------------------------------------------------------

The BAR Honda team entered the 2000 Formula One championship having finished last in the 1999 Constructors' Championship. After failing to land Jeff Gordon as the next great American hope for Formula One, Honda executives made their way to Atlanta again to scout for new American talent.....


Several weeks later, a stunning announcement came from the BAR team. Cletus Houston had signed with the team for the 2000 Formula One season, knocking Ricardo Zonta out of his race seat. An American had returned to Formula One for the first time in 7 years. Not an IndyCar driver. Not an American racing in the European ladder system. A good ol' boy from the South had effectively paid his way onto the biggest racing stage in the world. The Villeneuve-Houston pairing would be interesting heading into 2000......

[RonDenisDeletraz]

It was November 20th, 1999. The grand finale weekend for the stock cars of America, at the Atlanta Motor Speedway. The first series to hit the track that weekend was the ARCA Racing Series, and one Cletus Houston, 21, of Little Rock, Arkansas, had the title locked up. The son of a rich Southern farmer, he celebrated with his team post-race, and had a post-season banquet later that night........

------------------------------------------------------------

The BAR Honda team entered the 2000 Formula One championship having finished last in the 1999 Constructors' Championship. After failing to land Jeff Gordon as the next great American hope for Formula One, Honda executives made their way to Atlanta again to scout for new American talent.....


Several weeks later, a stunning announcement came from the BAR team. Cletus Houston had signed with the team for the 2000 Formula One season, knocking Ricardo Zonta out of his race seat. An American had returned to Formula One for the first time in 7 years. Not an IndyCar driver. Not an American racing in the European ladder system. A good ol' boy from the South had effectively paid his way onto the biggest racing stage in the world. The Villeneuve-Houston pairing would be interesting heading into 2000......

This has the potential to be one of the best fictional careers on F1 Rejects.

[Shizuka]

Redneck rampage ahead

[pasta_maldonado]

"Houston we have a problem"
"What?"
"Jacques is faster than you. Have you understood the message?"

[Salamander]

So this guy jumps from ARCA - straight to F1?

[eichy]

Round 1: 2000 Australian Grand Prix

Practice

Results

1. Barrichello 1.31.234
2. Hakkinen 1.31.459
3. Schumacher 1.31.467

6. Villeneuve 1.32.189

14. Wurz 1.33.987
15. Houston 1.34.015
16. Heidfeld 1.34.228

Cletus Houston surprised many in the paddock with his effort in practice. Despite the fact he was almost 2 seconds of Villeneuve's pace, Houston outpaced both Prosts, Minardis, Arrows, and the Jaguar of Johnny Herbert. A good showing from the man written off as an American pay driver.

[eichy]

Qualifying Results

1. Villeneuve
2. Hakkinen
3. Button
4. M Schumacher
5. Coulthard
6. R Schumacher

14. Houston

The BAR of Villeneuve takes pole in Australia, while his teammate Cletus Houston, the Arkansas native, is mired in 14th place on the grid.

[RealRacingRoots]

How much testing time has Cletus had? The answer is too much.

[Shizuka]

The BAR of Villeneuve takes pole in Australia, while his teammate Cletus Houston, the Arkansas native, is mired in 14th place on the grid.

We've got to hear his commentary on this one!

[eichy]

The BAR of Villeneuve takes pole in Australia, while his teammate Cletus Houston, the Arkansas native, is mired in 14th place on the grid.

We've got to hear his commentary on this one!

"Cletus, what are your thoughts on the qualifying session?"

"Well, I sure am happy for Jack. He drove a helluva lap. I'm so impressed that he beat that damn Shoemaker guy for the pole. I'm proud of these Honda boys fer their efforts. I told 'em, 'Y'all done a great job today boys'. "

"But your teammate annihilated you?"

"I dun give a damn. I'm a racer, I'm gonna go all out and race these guys like a proud American should."

[pasta_maldonado]

Hold on, an unknown reporter has a question for Cletus:

Unknown reporter: "Cletus, what is it like driving so far away from home? Our sources say this is the first time you've left America, is this true?"

[eichy]

Hold on, an unknown reporter has a question for Cletus:

Unknown reporter: "Cletus, what is it like driving so far away from home? Our sources say this is the first time you've left America, is this true?"

"Well one time I done drove a 1991 Ford Bronco from my home in Arkansas all the way 'cross the country tah Colorado. Stopped in had a few beers. So I surely done drove far away before. And you know, Lucky Strike sponsors this here Formula One car, and their parent company owns Winston, which sponsors the best damn drivers the world in NASCAR. Y'all know I was going to be damn good in that series, so they just done skipped all that and took me here to Formula Uno."
*He smirks as he makes an unfunny joke saying 'One' in Spanish*

[eichy]

Race Results

It was not a good day for our man Cletus Houston in his BAR Honda 002, as he was the first retirement in the 2000 Australian Grand Prix. Houston surprisingly got a good jump off the starting line, able to go from 14th to 9th on the run down to turn 3. He got in line behind Fisichella's Benetton where he settled into position. However, he locked up his brakes heading into turn 13, running the car wide, allowing Irvine to make a move for position. Irvine tapped the back of Houston, sending him spinning across the track and into the wall. Jarno Trulli's Jordan lost a front wing in the accident. Houston tried to get back in the race, but the front suspension was too badly damaged. To make matters worse for BAR, Villeneuve lost the front spot early on, but held on to score the team's first ever point. However, Houston's incident was not the only incident of the day. Both Ralf Schumacher and Johnny Herbert crashed hard in the fast chicane at turns 11 and 12.

Classification
1. M Schumacher
2. Hakkinen +13.297
3. Coulthard +16.585
4. Button +37.251
5. Barrichello +38.751
6. Villeneuve +1 lap
7. Salo +1 lap
8. Fisichella +1 lap
9. Irvine +1 lap
10. Verstappen +1 lap
11. Wurz +1 lap
12. Trulli +1 lap
13. Heidfeld +1 lap
14. De La Rosa +2 laps
15. Frentzen +2 laps
16. Gene +2 laps
17. Diniz +2 laps
18. Mazzacane Clutch
19. R Schumacher Accident
20. Alesi Brakes
21. Herbert Accident
22. Houston Suspension

Driver's Championship
1. M Schumacher 10
2. Hakkinen 6
3. Coulthard 4
4. Button 3
5. Barrichello 2
6. Villeneuve 1

Constructors' Championship
1. Ferrari 12
2. McLaren 10
3. Williams 3
4. BAR 1

[eichy]

"Cletus what happened out there?"

"Well that damn fool in that daggum Jaguar ran straight over me. I locked up dem brakes into 13, and he just plowed through the back of my car. I'll get him back."

Race stewards are keeping a close eye on Cletus after that threat.

[pasta_maldonado]

NEW SPONSOR FOR BAR?
Latest BAR signing, Cletus Houston, has reportedly attracted the attention of American fast-food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken. BAR are currently in negotiations to bring KFC on board as a major sponsor of the team. The deal will see an unreported financial gain for BAR, which Autosport beleives in in the region of millions, along with free KFC for all team members and personnel, and free catering at all events. KFC are reported to be expecting Cletus to atttend several 'meet-and-greet' sessions with lucky fans back in America. Cletus is reportedly "over teh moon" about the possiblity of a deal. Craig Pollock was unable to comment. Jacques Villeneuve, however, put his neck on the line, saying : "I much prefer McDonalds..."

[Shizuka]

Jacques Villeneuve, however, put his neck on the line, saying : "I much prefer McDonalds..."

Controversial, as always

[Phoenix]

NEW SPONSOR FOR BAR?
Latest BAR signing, Cletus Houston, has reportedly attracted the attention of American fast-food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken. BAR are currently in negotiations to bring KFC on board as a major sponsor of the team. The deal will see an unreported financial gain for BAR, which Autosport beleives in in the region of millions, along with free KFC for all team members and personnel, and free catering at all events. KFC are reported to be expecting Cletus to atttend several 'meet-and-greet' sessions with lucky fans back in America. Cletus is reportedly "over teh moon" about the possiblity of a deal. Craig Pollock was unable to comment. Driver Williams, however, put his neck on the line, saying : "I much prefer McDonalds..."

Fixed. I've decided that's how I'll call JV from now on.

[Shizuka]

Or John Newhouse

[eichy]

Round 2

Brazilian Grand Prix

Practice Results

1. Hakkinen 1.14.678
2. Irvine 1.14.899
3. Schumacher 1.14.901

8. Fisichella 1.15.867
9. Houston 1.15.908
10. Frentzen 1.16.023

[andrew]

not a very good first race. Hope it get's better

[Phoenix]

Or John Newhouse

It should be Jack, I believe.

[Shizuka]

Or John Newhouse

It should be Jack, I believe.

Actually, I think it's BOTH. GP3 has him as John.

[Nuppiz]

Or John Newhouse

It should be Jack, I believe.

Actually, I think it's BOTH. GP3 has him as John.

As does GPM2. Speaking of which, Formula 1 97 had him down as "Driverone Williams", and in Murray Walker's in-game commentary he was "Williams NumberOne".

Carry on.

[eichy]

BIG BUMP

Round 2: 2000 Brazilian Grand Prix

Quali Results:
1st: Schumacher 1:15.009
2nd: Irvine +0.001
3rd: Hakkinen +0.057
...
18th Gene +2.133
19th: Houston +2.854
20th Diniz +5.020

Race Results:
1st Coulthard
2nd Hakkinen +2.6
3rd Barrichello +18.7
4th Zonta +19.2
...
11th Heidfeld +47.4
12th Houston +54.7
13th Verstappen + 1:02.0
...
16th Salo +1 Lap
17th Mazzacane +1 Lap
18th de la Rosa +1Lap
...
Not Classified:
Fisichella
Herbert
Schumacher

Houston: "Argh, this gosh durn BAR-Honda is a ****box. Can't hardly do nuthin' with it. Well, I get to go back to America to say I beat that Shoemaker guy since his damn gearbox exploded all over the Senna esses."