Ok, that was very cynical, let's try again.
Hello there from here in sunny (presumably) Australia, for the grand opening round of the 2020 Formula One Season. The grandstands are either completely packed or completely empty, I'm not sure at the time of writing!
For those of you who don't know, alongside the races I run a competition called Predicament Predictions, whereby we predict the general running order of things after the chequered flag has fallen, as well as many further rejectful and arbitrary things. For example, you have to guess who will be the furthest behind their teammate in terms of overall places, or who will retire first, or our brand new bonus point, but I will get to that.
Let me show you what it looks like:
1. Valtteri Bottas (jumps out of the gate quickly again this year)
2. Charles Leclerc (right behind him)
3. Daniel Ricciardo (what?)
4. Sebastian Vettel
5. Esteban Ocon
6. Kimi Räikkönen
7. Max Verstappen
8. Alexander Albon
9. Lance Stroll
10. Lando Norris
Pole: Lewis Hamilton
Fastest lap: Valtteri Bottas
First retirement: Lewis Hamilton (engine blows on the first lap, thus prompting a track invasion and all-night rave)
Reject of the Race: Red Bull (where were they all race?)
Infinite Improbability Drive of the Race: Kurbelwellenlager (it's an old meme sir, but it checks out)
Deadbeat Teammate of the Race: Lewis Hamilton
Number of Safety Cars: 2
Lapped: 2 laps
You can also bag a bonus point for coming up with the funniest alternative race title. I'm the judge so I don't do it.
Key:
- Reject of the Race: the award we do post-race for the most rejectful thing that happened during the race (weekend), be that a person or something more abstract like France.
- Infinite Improbability Drive of the Race: exactly the same as above but the feel-good positive version.
- Deadbeat Teammate of the Race: the driver the most places behind their teammate (including if they retired in what would be 20th for example).
- Number of Safety Cars: As it says on the tin. Both real and virtual.
- Lapped: A brand-new point because the old one was DNS and nobody DNSs anymore. This one is for how many laps behind will the last-placed finisher be. This would be for a classified finisher.
NOTE: I realised as I was putting this up that Latifi is the only new driver on the grid this year. Therefore we don't have a Minor League Premiership, as it's Buemi 2009 all over again. If we suddenly get an influx of a few more I'll reintroduce it.
One last thing. On one round only every season you get to activate double points, if you think you're going to score big-time and so can get a much bigger haul. An ode to 2014 Abu Dhabi if you will. *shudders*
Here's your blank slate:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Pole:
Fastest lap:
First retirement:
ROTR:
IIDOTR:
DBTMOTR:
Number of Safety Cars:
HFB:
Good luck everyone.
