Alt-Mario Kart 1996: Sex, Drugs, and Espionage

[Rob Dylan]

Round 13 - DK's Jungle Parkway

Welcome one and all to the opening round of the 1996 Special Cup. We're here at the tropical Donkey Kong Country. This is the only round in DKC this season, held at the new DK Jungle Parkway Circuit, which as you can see looks over some pretty amazing scenery.



The temperatures are predicted to be very high this weekend, so let's see if the drivers can withstand the gruelling pressure of the weekend. Before this weekend, we had the driver switches caused by the purchase of Scuderia Mario by Daisy and Luigi. Now Scuderia SSL Team, they are entering the final four rounds but are ineligible for points. Luigi jumps ship from Mitsuyoshi and is alongside his son, who makes his second grand prix appearance. At the start of the weekend, Kameklaren showed up with Kamek Magikoopa and King Bobomb to again to test runs and impress the crowd on Friday. Someone who didn't impress was Luigi von Sarasaland. The baby was deemed too slow in practice, and will not be allowed to do quali or the race. Let's look forward to a great fun race in this tropical paradise!

It's been a topic of consternation for many of the DKC people that they have felt underrepresented in the new formula and regulations. Diddy and Donkey Kong will have something to prove this weekend So, 11 runners this weekend. Let's get to it.

Q1 time. The BMWs go out and are predictably quite fast. Luigi in spite of his best efforts is quite slow. It is, after all, literally just an SM vehicle with new paint. Redsaurus does a not-terrible lap on his first run. Para Troopa on the other hand drove straight into the river after misjudging the giant jump. The KoopraSports and DKR karts come out and Toad goes fastest of the lot. Only HBRT remain, and it's underwhelming from the both of them. Bowser fastest in Q1, with Spike and Birdo a distant 7th and 9th.

Q2 time. Para Troopa continues to fight for ROTY as he fluffs up again. His old teammate Luigi goes faster even. Birdo does a semi-decent lap while Spike and Redsaurus both make small errors. There's no distractions for DK III, the home hero, who goes fastest ahead of Birdo. He's then pipped by a tenth by his teammate Lewis Hammerton . Toad splits the DKRs. Wario goes fastest, and Bowser is behind him! Wario takes pole ahead of Bowser by a tenth. Will it be a third win on the trot for the defending champion?



Redsaurus and Para Troopa, the two Mitsuyoshi runners were very vocal after qualifying, regarding what they perceived as some kind of "internal conflict" in Donkey Kong Country. In Q2, smoke was seen rising in the distance on the tv cameras, with independent press reporting to have been caused by Kremling rebels. The refinery hit in question appears to have been some kind of banana plantation. Nobody was hurt in the explosion, but doubts have been raised as to the safety of the event. After MKDA head Luigi led a discussion panel with the drivers, the MIA and the DKC race organisers, a meeting that took multiple hours ended with the drivers being "persuaded" to continue racing in the state. One driver said off the record that the race officials were not going to be allowed to leave Donkey Kong Country without the race going ahead. Whatever other demands are in store, they have not been publicised yet but that stuff's boooooring. Let's go to the race on Sunday!

Race Day now. Wario starts from what is only his third pole this season. It's a heated day today, not just because of the heat but because there's still smoke rising from the other side of this jungle. Can the drivers keep their heads on? They're starting their engines. And it's go go go It's the shortest start straight on the calendar, Redsaurus somehow misses it, going straight on! Given it's his first race, we can't be too harsh. DK III is weaving all over the place. He's trying to get past Toad but to no avail, and goes onto the grass a few times. Yhey come to the bridge now and are boosting over the river. But one person misjudges: it's Para Troopa! He's in the drink for the second time this weekend, and out of the race. In sector two we see a lot of passing. Foreman Spike is making his way through the field after a poor Saturday: Luigi and his teammate Birdo are the first victims. Koopa is having heating problems and is plum last. As they go into the bottleneck to start sector 3, DK III makes it past Toad for P4. Yhe crowd go crazy as the field make it to the cave. Wario struggles for grip coming out of the cave tunnel, and Bowser powers on with faster acceleration. Bowser takes the lead going into lap 2!

Lap 2 is seeing less action as always. Aery low attrition here: much lower than we were expecting given the heat. DK is looking for third place to beat his teammate Lewis Hammerton . However, he is making so many mistakes and going on the grass that he is in danger of losing the place again to Toad. Redsaurus is catching Luigi as we go into the final lap. Bowser sets the fastest lap but it's absolutely nip and tuck between him and a furious Wario. Now the heat is getting to them. The lap times are dropping as we approach the second minute. The BMWs are holding station, and are even being caught by Lewis Hammerton who is really going. Luigi is starting to show signs of weakness. His kart is in tatters and the wheels are green with the grass they've been running over. Koopa, who was in last, misjudges the bridge entry on the final turn and falls into the bottom of the waterfall, but he's ok! In a very close finish, the top three go across the line and it's Bowser who takes his fourth win of the season and keeps the championship alive! Wario second, Hammerton third and DK III fourth.

Race Results


After a five-race pointless streak, DK III scores his first point since his victory at Choco Mountain.

Updated Driver Standings


Updated Constructor Standings


With three races to go, now only a BMW can win the championship. With a 10 point lead, it's obviously in Wario's favour. But he can't afford mistakes like today against his teammate.

[Rob Dylan]

(these events have already transpired on the forum, so the following post is news to keep track of the events that unfolded between Rounds 13 and 14.

MARIO KART SAFE AGAIN!

MIA bravely expels the Kong Cousins from the sport forever!

It has been a hell of a week for the alt-Mario Kart teams and drivers. To give a round-up to those who have had their heads in the sand these past few days, here is a round-up of recent events:

After suspicious military activities took place during the DK Jungle Parkway weekend, the MK personnel were impounded at the paddock by Donkey Kong Country authorities. Diddy Kong took leadership of this impounding and made a list of demands of the teams and drivers. In his eyes, the terrorist Diddy believed that the MIA invetigation into Yoshisaur's murder was rigged, and that a new investigation should be opened. As well as this, he believed that Kong representation in the seeries was insufficient and needed to be increased. Effectively an attempt to take over the MIA for themselves, the Kongs tried to persuade teams and drivers to join them in a new series with blackjack and hookers.

After a few days under house arrest, the MIA with the help of Peach and Bowser, managed to evacuate the MK personnel out of Donkey Kong Country. The MIA have since banned Diddy Kong and DK III for life* from Mario Kart. The Diddy Kong Racing Team has been expelled from the series as well, and will not participate in the rest of the season.

Lewis Hammerton, who has been part of two separate controversial teams to leave MK, was quickly picked up by Mitsuyoshi in place of team leader Redsaurus. He will drive for Mitsuyoshi for the remaining three races of the season.

Finally, reports that Mario Mario was in Donkey Kong Country during the unfolding events has been neither proven nor disproven. What the Italian could hope to gain from this mess is unclear. However, the MK personnel are safe and free of the Kong Menace.

[Rob Dylan]

Round 14 - Yoshi Valley

Welcome one and all to Round 14 of the 1996 Mario Kart season. We're here at sunny Yoshi Valley. It's a tumultuous weekend for countless reasons. DKR have been expelled along with their principal and one of their drivers. Donkey and Diddy Kong are banned for life from the sport. Lewis Hammerton has been picked up at least temporarily by Mitsuyoshi to the end of the season. Redsaurus goes back into the principal's chair.

The track is a maze. There are about five ways to go, of varying difficulty and length. If you go even slightly off line you will fall into the valley and lose at least 10 seconds. The longer routes are easier and the shorter routes are harder. After you navigate the maze, there is a giant Yoshi Egg that spins around and murders anyone who goes near it, costing them another 10 seconds.



As this happens, it is the only track in Mario Kart whereby you don't know who is where on track at any time. You could be last or first and wouldn't know. Actually that map on the right kind of says so. But when you're a kid (as you would be playing this game) you have no clue. Therefore the drivers have to be on their toes. This is going to be the slowest track on the calendar. I can't imagine BMW power will do the championship contenders much favour. It's all about survival and not dying. Ok let's get to it. 9 runners this weekend as Baby Luigi was too slow.



Q1. BMWs go out first with Wario ahead. Luigi goes around no trouble and is a mighty 0.7s off the pace in that shitbox. Para Troopa tries to mushroom boost round the final sector but runs out of Mushroom. He's behind Luigi now. Hammerton, on his debut for Mitsuyoshi, outpaces Luigi by a few tenths. Toad then goes fastest! Mr Saturday is the man to beat. Koopa manages a not-dreadful 4th, although 0.8s off his teammate. Spike's time is a bit disappointing and only good for 5th. Birdo gets crushed by the giant egg that has cost valuable tenths but she's somehow still ahead of Para Troopa

Q2 now. Para Troopa gets a little lost but still makes it round in a faster time. Indeed, he has the last laugh because Birdo can't match him. Luigi falls into the chasm! His time is way off and he's last at the moment. Lewis Hammerton throws down the gauntlet with a really good time. He's fastest. Spike goes second on a very good lap, then Koopa goes second! KoopraSport looking very strong here on the low power circuit. It's a lacklustre lap from Bowser. The Koopa King goes only 6th. The times are so close here today. Wario is a few hundredths quicker and manages 4th. It's Hammerton or Toad now on pole. Toad goes out. And he goes fastest! It's the second pole for Toad in 1996! Hammerton beside him on the front row.

Qualifying Results


It's the third non-BMW pole this year too. When Toad got pole at Choco Mountain all those months ago, he got crushed by a rock. He'll be hoping for better today.

It's Race Day. The 1992 and 1993 champions share the bottom two places. Can Toad keep it on track? Will Hammerton cause an upset? The lights are coming up. They're out and it's go go go!

The drivers take it very cautiously through turn 1. They all form a giant pack as everyone takes their own line and direction. Lewis Hammerton takes the middle left line and drives straight into a pack of spiky mole things. They smash up his kart pretty good and he's out on the spot. Disaster! Most drivers go right and the long way round. Bowser and Luigi have nothing to lose and go the left way round. They both keep it on track and overtake Birdo to boot. Para Troopa also goes left and overtakes Foreman Spike. They go into the long straight and the 180 degree turn. Wario misjudges his turn and flies into the chasm - he's not getting that out of there! Everyone is still very close as they zoom around the giant egg. But they were never going to all make it round - Birdo running in last gets caught out and punted by the egg as the drivers all go round, she then tries to boost her way over the grass to get a shortcut, but all it does is slow her down more. Koopa Troopa has also been hit by the giant egg. With KoopraSport 1-2 at the moment, Koopa will be praying his kart survives. Birdo is driving so manically at the back that she hits the camera car!

Lap 2 and Koopa's kart starts losing pieces. Somehow he's still on track. Birdo flies out of last and straight into the chasm - clear ROTR material there. Meanwhile Bowser can't catch Foreman Spike ahead of him, who does the fastest lap. Para Troopa is holding third at the moment as they go into the final lap. Absolutely nothing happens on the last lap Toad wins! It's a KoopraSport 1-2. Toad sets fastest lap, just.



Para Troopa's podium will be very welcome to Mitsuyoshi, who have been complaining of "bad RNG" for a while now I also forgot to mention. Had Wario won with Bowser getting 0 points, Wario would have won the championship. As it stands, Wario has a 10 point lead with 18 points remaining to get. Toad rockets up to 4th in the championship.

Updated Driver Standings*


Updated Constructor Standings


*I corrected on the sheet where I mistakenly put Bowser as retiring.

[Rob Dylan]

Round 15 - Banshee Boardwalk

Time for listening to Finnish class the penultimate round of Mario Kart! The championship could be decided here today We're here for Round 15 at the beautiful and extravagant Banshee Boardwalk!



While the basic track isn't too difficult, the organisers have placed it through a large haunted house full of bats. This track will test the drivers' ability to avoid aggressive bats more than any other track on the calendar.

Q1. So Wario starts his possibly title-winning weekend by binning it immediately as the first runner out in Q1. LTF tells me he got hit by bats. The drivers are going to have to avoid those. Bowser therefore sets the fastest time by default. The Mitsuyoshis and Luigi are about equal and 0.5s off. Hammerton definitely has more time in the bag though - he was hit by one of the flying cheep cheeps and lost some time. Toad gets hit by bats and Koopa totally misses the last corner, falling into the water. Neither sets a time The HBRTs go out now. While Birdo goes too slow on the main straight, Foreman Spike sets the fastest time, less than a tenth ahead of Bowser. It may be Spike's first time topping a session.

Q2 now. Both KoopraSports actually set a time this time round. But Toad makes a mistake missing the shortcut and so sets an almost identical time to his slower teammate. Luigi is simply too slow to compete. But then Hammerton, in spite of getting hit by bats, does a great lap 0.3 seconds ahead of Toad. That's very competitive. Para Troopa gets a bat to the face and sets no time. Birdo goes second and can't beat Hammerton. And neither can Bowser! It's Hammerton or Foreman Spike for pole. And Spike isn't fast enough - Hammerton takes pole It's Mitsuyoshi's first pole since Choco Land 3 last season, and it's Hammerton's first pole ever!



This new partnership might just be working out. It's Race Day now. Lots at stake today: Bowser wants to keep this championship alive. If he bins it, Wario is a three-time world champion. Hammerton wants to take a second win, and Mitsuyoshi badly want to take a win this year too. Shall he crack under pressure? And Wario, who shares the last row with Para Troopa, may have the fate of this championship out of his hands this weekend. Not that it makes a bit of difference, but it's a night race here this evening. The drivers are lined up on the grid, revving their tiny engines
and they're off!

At the first corner everyone goes for the same line. Bowser skids and scrapes the wall, but is still going. His kart seems to still be going and he's chasing Hammerton for the lead still. As they head to the second sector and the famous shortcut, four drivers try it. While the KoopraSport duo both skip the left-hander and make up some places, Birdo skids straight into the water. Para Troopa is unsurprisingly right behind her. As a result of this, KoopraSport are now 3-4 with Toad a long way behind Bowser. The camera car gets swamped by a giant cheep cheep as they head for the haunted house. Wario, who has not had a great start to the race, is among the rear runners heading to the entrance. He gets squashed by bats and jumps out the kart in fright! Para Troopa is way behind but has got the kart back on track.

They enter lap 2. The race is super close, as Bowser's superior BMW engine is bringing him closer and closer to the leader. The commentator was mistaken: Toad was behind Koopa, but on the back straight in sector two, this is switched as Toad zooms onto the rostrum. Luigi is only a few places off of the "points", though he cannot earn any. He's hounding Foreman Spike for what is currently 5th place. As they enter the final lap, Bowser does the fastest lap. Bowser goes for the lead! Hammerton does a major block. they both go for the shortcut and make it ok, and are miles away from the competition. Koopa, who was being caught by the Spike/Luigi pair, should have been looking ahead as he gets smooshed by a cheep cheep. He loses many seconds and places, bringing Spike up to fourth. The order spreads out and there are no further accidents or overtakes. Lewis Hammerton wins the Banshee Boardwalk Grand Prix ! Bowser comes second and keeps the championship alive to the last race. Toad takes third, with Spike inheriting fourth. Luigi takes an impressive fifth in that shitbox, while the Koopas are in last. Para brings up the rear while his teammate wins

Race Results


Updated Driver Standings


Updated Constructor Standings


We've never given a "Driver of the Year" award in this series, but if there was one then Lewis Hammerton would absolutely deserve it. Third in the championship despite missing two races out of bizarre team management decisions, and winning races with two out of the three teams he has raced for this year. It's a straight battle between him and perennial third-placed Toad for best of the rest in the drivers standings this year. Mitsuyoshi will be jumping for joy at their first victory since Round 15 a year ago.

[Rob Dylan]

Today we're here in space, as is tradition, for the season finale at Rainbow Road.



It's a brand new 3D course with twists and turns and chain chomps and shooting stars and two giant dips that, mistakenly taken, will lead to the drivers falling into oblivion. It's by far the longest lap ever in Mario Kart history - at 2km long a circuit, we're expecting laps of around 1 minute 45 seconds. So Bowser and Wario enter this final round as the two contenders for the 1996 championship: a repeat of 1994 no less. Wario has a 4-point lead. This means he only needs to finish 2nd to win the championship. Bowser will need to finish at least second with Wario two places behind regardless to clinch the crown. It's a high speed track to say the least. So BMW power will likely reign supreme here again after a few low power tracks. Nine runners after Baby Luigi did not qualify.

Q1 time. The BMWs go out and Wario sets a significantly faster time than Bowser. 0.6 seconds. Luigi is about 3.5 seconds off the pace, while Hammerton is the closest of the midfield runners in spite of getting chewed up by a chomp. Koopa plummets into the bottom of the middle dip and loses multiple seconds. It's the HBRTs that challenge the BMWs! Spike and Birdo are third and fourth, separated from their rivals on either side.

Q2 now. These times are much quicker now. Koopa puts up a respectable lap but Toad beats it by nearly a second! Luigi only slightly off their pace for now. Para Troopa just behind Toad before Lewis Hammerton goes fastest. Birdo also misses the bottom of the dip! she loses valuable seconds. Spike slower this time around: only 4th fastest. Bowser goes out and it's not too strong a lap. Fastest, but it seems Wario should go faster
He does! Wario takes pole However, his time was also slower than the Q1 times. Interesting fluctuation between the two sessions.

Qualifying Results


So Wario is in the hot-seat to win this championship, as he was in 1994. Will we see a repeat performance, or is there a surprise left to us at the last minute? Let's go straight to Race Day. Unsurprisingly, being in space, this is a night race. At a 5 minute + race, this is going to be exhausting for the drivers. Who will make it to the finish and win the coveted trophy? The drivers are lined up on the grid, and it's go go go!

It's a slow start for Bowser as they go down the main straight. He loses lots of time scraping the wall and trying to get the kart going. Wario zooms off into the distance while the midfield pack shuffle up. Foreman Spike misses the start drop completely, flying into oblivion. The drivers do well to avoid the chomps this time around. However, the spiral causes some excitement. as they go up, Luigi's steering breaks and he smashes into the outside wall. He's out. The KoopraSports are again making progress in the opening stages. Toad and Koopa both take excellent lines from the spiral and pass Hammerton and Para Troopa respectively. It's almost disaster for Hammerton though: he misjudges the smaller dip and bump his kart quite considerably. He's still going. Birdo completely messes up that dip and she's totalled her kart. both HBRTs out on the first lap.

It's very messy from Hammerton now on the second lap. he and Koopa are fighting each other and both messing up on the first sector. There's no direct contact, but their squabbling sees them get passed by Para Troopa, who shoots up to 4th. Otherwise Wario is the class of the field out in front - his gap to Bowser is widening. In the final lap he makes an unforced error on the first big dip. He too misjudges his drop and causes some serious damage to his kart, but he's still going! With both BMWs damaged, they nurse their karts to the finish and claim a 1-2 between them. And it's Wario who wins Rainbow Road for a second time, and the world championship for a third consecutive time! Toad takes the final rostrum with Para Troopa just behind in 4th.

Race Results


Bowser, with 21 points, wins the Cup. And Toad moves up to third in the championship at the very end.

1996 Driver Standings


1996 Constructor Standings




Comeback of the Year award goes to Toad Toadstool for an awesome comeback. KoopraSport had no points after the Mushroom Cup, but Toad pulled an excellent stream of results (80% in the second half) to take third in the championship.

Driver of the Year award goes to Lewis Hammerton for winning races with two different teams, and scoring podiums for three. In spite of all the drama surrounding him, Hammerton challenged solidly for 3rd place in the championship and is one of the most on-demand drivers for 1997-

Reject of the Year award goes to Para Troopa for his disasterrific performance this year. Last season he seriously challenged for the drivers championship. This season, however, he seemed to make mistakes in every session and was outperformed by almost every one of his carousel of teammates.

Giancarlo Fisichella award goes to Birdetta Birdo for her performance after Koopa Troopa Beach. She broke Wario's records of the shortest time to leading the championship (her second race), and then did absolutely nothing else of note for the whole rest of the year.

Thank you for joining me for this topsy-turvy season

[Hammercat42]

What an ending, sadly i didn't scored more points as team

[Hammercat42]

News incoming:

Hammer Bros Racing Team (HBRT) will continue with Foreman Spike.

Depending on the rules, we will keep the current chassis.
Our intention is to offer Birdetta Birdo a new seat for the next couple of seasons.
1997 will be the last season of Foreman Spike, when he hits the 42th level of his life.
New #1 seat will be found in the 1997 season.

Rumour from the other corner is that there will be another series, the Alt-Kong Kart with 3 drivers per team, for now there isn't any realisable source for that to be continued.