Alt-Mario Kart 2004: Twice the Pride

[Rob Dylan]

Rare photo of defending champion Waluigi in his BMW colours.

News
Welcome one and all, back to the wide and wonderful world of Mario Kart racing for 2004. We are all geared up for the thirteenth season of Marioverse racing, and this thread will keep us all up to date based on the past, present, and future of all the drivers and teams taking part in the upcoming season.

At Bowser Motor Works, Bowser Koopa Sr. is celebrating his first constructors' championship since 1998, and in his contract he has two world champions: Waluigi and Toad are both signed up for the new season, either together or separately, as the Koopa king decides. This team, without too much in the way of rule shake-ups, are the favourites to sweep both titles this coming year.

Koopra Sport had a comeback season in 2003, with a debutant and an unproven driver (Dribble-Spitz and Koopa Kolorado respectively) showing up most of the field with excellent qualifying performances and mostly sensible race stints. They had a great line-up, but there will be competition for just about all of their drivers as they prepare for a season as potential new champions. Team runner Koopa Troopa will have a lot on his hands to defeat the other koopa team.

The DPRK super-team were the talk of the town in 2003, and everyone wanted to be seen with them and drive for them. Although their second kart left something to be desired, team principal and lead driver Peach Toadstool was the most popular driver of the year, and showed that championship runs are possible even in one's later years. Funky Kong is currently running the day-to-day operations and will be desperate to get a stronger team around Peach for the new year if they do want to beat the BMW behemoth.

Mitsuyoshi Buntai were lacklustre and could not make their way around the new rules, even with the dual comeback of Redsaurus and formerly dead Yoshisaur. Their second kart, with twice champion Dixie Kong and Pipsy Astromouse, occasionally punched above its weight, but with those drivers both involved in heavy crashes last year, who will Redsaurus turn to for his star line-up now?

SSL had just about the biggest nightmare possible, coming smack-bang down to earth after many seasons of good performances and championship victories. They too found their star drivers in hospital, and they too have a serious problem of finding talented drivers to attempt to turn around their fortunes in 2004. Daisy von Sarasaland cannot hold the team up on her own, no matter how much she tries.

WWR were the only team worse than SSL, though they were at least more consistent in their mediocrity. Wario Jumpman, while a popular figure, has faced hard questions from the media about his suitability to be in the kart, after such a mediocre performance in 2003. The question is, as it is for so many others, just who will take up the mantle in his absence?


New Rules

• Points will no longer be dished out the same way as they were in 2003. In an effort to stop a situation such as that allowed Waluigi to win the title by default of having been slightly healthier than Toad Toadstool on account of the latter missing a race out of his own accord. From now on, points will be primarily awarded to lead drivers, with co-drier points appearing on top as in brackets, that are only counted in the case of a tie-breaker. This means that lead driving is emphasised over co-driving, and should be a more meritocratic system in practice.

• Otherwise, no new rules have been announced for the upcoming season. However, that is not to say that none will come. There are continued discussions between the MIA and MKDA regarding any potential reaction to the injuries sustained by so many drivers in 2003. A total of four different drivers found themselves in hospital, including 1992 champion Luigi Mario and 1999-2000 champion Dixie Kong. While Dixie appears to be able to make the start of the 2004 season in time, one wonders if action will be taken regarding the safety of the sport, especially as we approach the tenth anniversary of Donkey Kong Jr.'s fateful crash.

The Grid

Bowser Motor Works

Team Principal: Bowser Koopa (Hermann95)
Notes:

#1 Waluigi / Toad Toadstool
#2 Bowser Koopa Jr. / Donkey Kong III

Koopra Sport

Team Principal: Koopa Troopa (DigitDan)

#3 Kokkoro Toudou / Morton Koopa Jr.
#4 Koopa Kolorado / Dribble-Spitz

Donkey-Peach Racing Kongection (commonly abbreviated to DPRK)

Team Principal: Peach Toadstool (NessaFox)
Technical Director (day-to-day): Funky Kong (Ducktanian)

#5 Peach Toadstool / Conker T. Squirrel
#6

Mitsuyoshi Buntai

Team Principal: Redsaurus R. Bitakoopas (Javi/Frentzen)

#7 Dixie Kong /
#8 Redsaurus / Yoshi

Scuderia Sarasaland Squadron Luigier Team (commonly abbreviated to SSL)

Team Principals: Luigi Mario and Daisy von Sarasaland (TCBY and Pinkd)

#9 Daisy von Sarasaland / Luigi von Sarasaland
#10

Wario Ware Racing (commonly abbreviated to WWR)

Team Principal: Wario Jumpman (Dom)

#11 Toadsworth / Mark Wiggler
#12





The Calendar

Mushroom Cup
1. Luigi Circuit [Mushroom Kingdom]
2. Peach Beach [Isle Delfino]
3. Baby Park [Mushroom Kingdom]
4. Dry Dry Desert [Yoshi's Island]

Flower Cup
5. Mushroom Bridge [Mushroom Kingdom]
6. Mario Circuit [Mushroom Kingdom]
7. Daisy Cruiser [Kingdom of Sarasaland]
8. Waluigi Stadium [Mushroom Kingdom]

Star Cup
9. Sherbet Land [Yoshi's Island]
10. Mushroom City [Mushroom Kingdom]
11. Yoshi Circuit [Yoshi's Island]
12. DK Mountain [Donkey Kong Country]

Special Cup
13. Wario Colosseum [Mushroom Kingdom]
14. Dino Dino Jungle [Yoshi's Island]
15. Bowser’s Castle [Koopa Kingdom]
16. Rainbow Road [Space]


Phase 1 (1992-1995) records
Phase 2 (1996-2002) records

Phase 3 (current) records

[Frogfoot9013]

Mario Mario has uncovered a nefarious scheme the likes of which has not been seen in Mario Kart for years! Waluigi stole the 2003 championship from his teammate, Toad, by poisoning him! Why does Mario know of this? Because the dastardly Waluigi tried to rope him into the foul deed! Impervious to corruption, he resisted the temptation to be complicit in the crime! Furthermore, when Mario took the evidence to Bowser, the team owner, he rebuffed the allegations, thereby becoming complicit in the poisoning, and if he wasn't already complicit, he surely was when he became Waluigi's co-pilot for the final round at Rainbow Road. Together, Mario and Toad are going to launch legal action to have Bowser Motor Works disqualified from the Rainbow Road round of 2003, as the plaintiffs feel there is sufficient legal grounds to accuse them of bringing the sport into disrepute. The truth shall prevail!

[pasta_maldonado]

I’m afraid Mr Mario has completely gone in over his head here.

Not only did my client not poison Toad, he ate the very same meal as his team-mate in the Bowswer Motor Works Team Café. If one was to poison another, this would hardly make sense.

Additionally, my client can now reveal he was acting as an informer for the MIA - and has handed over all evidence of Mr Mario agreeing willingly and freely to carry out such dastardly crime, including being the one to poison Toad!

We would like the crowd gathered here today to join in with a ceremonial “Wa!” For freedom.

Crowd: “waaaa”

[Rob Dylan]

As this nonsense gets itself going again, we can make some driver announcements. First of all, Baby Luigi has signed for Scuderia SSL for another season! His mother Daisy von Sarasaland will also be driving again, presumably as a double team. His father Luigi is out of hospital and will spend the majority, if not all, of 2004 behind the pitwall running operations.

In another garage, Princess Peach confirms another full year of participation in the greatest sport on the planet. She has however denied any running to her son, Mario Toadstool, who turns 8 this year. She is so serious about winning the championship that she can't afford any children behind the kart apparently.

Bowser Jr. has signed up for BMW for another season at his dad's team. Behind the scenes, BMW have also performed quite the signing. Donkey Kong, as early ago as last summer, has signed a contract to race with the koopa outfit for 2004! He has therefore broken his working partnership with Funky Kong, which would have been a conflict of interest. BMW therefore has all its seats filled already.

Mitsuyoshi has gone through an almost complete rehiring process. Redsaurus, Yoshi, and Dixie Kong all return for 2004, with doubts over the health of Dixie still lingering. Her performance will be one to watch, although Redsaurus is famously sympathetic towards his struggling drivers.

[Aislabie]

Toadsworth has arrived.

He is looking for a co-driver position, and doesn't have any huge preference for one team or another: he's just pleased to be involved.

[Rob Dylan]

Kokkoro Toudou officially signs up for her seventh consecutive season at Koopra Sport.

Wario Jumpman makes the shock announcement that he is giving up ownership of the Wario Ware Racing after just three seasons of (not very successful) competition. Dom has also changed hands and taken up the ownership of Larry Koopa instead.

New Rule
Points will no longer be dished out the same way as they were in 2003. In an effort to stop a situation such as that allowed Waluigi to win the title by default of having been slightly healthier than Toad Toadstool on account of the latter missing a race out of his own accord.

From now on, points will be primarily awarded to lead drivers, with co-drier points appearing on top as in brackets, that are only counted in the case of a tie-breaker. This means that lead driving is emphasised over co-driving, and should be a more meritocratic system in practice.

[novitopoli]

Birdo and her protegé Nic Hammerton are open for offers.

[Aislabie]

Birdo and her protegé Nic Hammerton are open for offers.

Would either of them be interested in driving for Toadsworth?

He is planning to run a part-time entry later in the season, but owing to his advanced age he would ideally like somebody with more ability to take the wheel.

EDIT - Toadsworth has issued a statement decrying the "interventionist big government MIA" after they have denied the entry of his team.

He vows to apply again in 2005, and until then will pay handsomely [citation needed] for a co-driver seat

[Rob Dylan]

Wario Ware Racing has been officially taken over by King Boo, who has rebranded the team to King Boo Motorsports (KBM). It is not known yet whether Boo intends to revive his own racing career or to build a career for younger drivers. it is understood that he has already approached some drivers in order to get everything ready in the short time before the season begins.


Promotional photo provided by King Boo

[Rob Dylan]

KBM have been required through necessity to hold on to the BMW customer engine deal their predecessors at WWR held. The amount of time necessary to set up a new deal, or to build their own, is just not available right now. It is not stated just what kind of deal BMW will potentially get from KBM in return, but when asked in a recent press interview, BMW team principal Bowser Koopa said "I'm sure we can come to some kind of suitable arrangement" and then winked menacingly at the camera

Nothing to read into there, I am sure.

[Rob Dylan]

New Driver Signings:
- After some rigmarole and a lot of competition, Koopra Sport were able to magnificently retain their exact line-up from last year. Star drivers Dribble-Spitz and Koopa Kolorado will stay with the team for 2004, along with Morton Koopa.
- Conker T. Squirrel also accepted a re-signing with the DPRK team after they were approached by the new KBM team.
- KBM were at least successfully able to scoop up Toadsworth and Mark Wiggler to their cause, with more announcements due shortly.

It is understood that Mario Mario is in extensive and exhaustive talks with retaining his seat with SSL, with apparently outrageous demands coming from him to his potential team. Whether there are still seats on the grid by the time these talks are done, is anybody's guess.

Break-in at SSL HQ!

Masked intruders break into Mario Kart team overnight

Only a few months into 2004 and we already have drama at SSL. The team have had a rough time trying to get fend off claims of sabotage and conspiracy against their rivals at BMW. Now, they have apparently been raided in the night by masked men one security toad described as "looking like skiiers". They will need to work hard to retain their reputation for security at the very least, as with these kinds of events just comes more gossip. More to follow, probably.

[Frogfoot9013]

I am utterly outraged at the behaviour of Mark Wiggler before the season-opener race at Luigi Circuit. I was shocked to find out that a driver would put his personal pleasure before the good of the Mario Kart championship by indulging in his own vices. He has brought the sport into disrepute by creating a perception to the public that Mario Kart drivers are deranged maniacs. Additionally, he forced his elderly co-driver, Toadsworth, into the driver's seat at extremely short notice, putting them both in danger! To prevent the sport being disgraced further, Wiggler should be suspended for at minimum the rest of the Cup, if not for life! This drunken behaviour cannot be tolerated any longer!

[Rob Dylan]

Further break-ins reported at BMW site

There has been a spat of bizarre break-ins at various Mario Kart teams recently, bringing to the forefront the risks of data management and espionage within the series. Was anything stolen? Where did it go? Who organised this? I'm sure we'll find out none of this.

Wiggler out for Luigi Circuit

Cites "Tennis Accident"

Rather conflicting reports have emerged in the off-season that Mark Wiggler may not be up to snuff in terms of his fitness for the opening round of the season. Last-minute he was replaced by co-driver Toadsworth, who had only signed up for co-driver status for the duration of the season. It is understood that Toadsworth may sue his new employers King Boo Motorsports for breach of contract.

[Aislabie]

I would like to thank Sig. Mario Mario for his words of support following events at Luigi Circuit. Fortunately, I am in good health after a minor accident left me with minor bumps and bruises, and will be fit to resume my usual role in the team at Peach Beach.

From one innovator to another, it is a real credit to Sig. Mario that he is so invested in pushing the sport of MarioKart forward to be the best it can be, free from MIA government intervention.

[Rob Dylan]

Yoshi wins Mushroom Cup and Dry Dry Desert Grand Prix to lead Mario Kart Championship!

It's a tale for the ages, as the formerly dead and recently necromanced racing superstar Yoshisaur T. Munchakoopas won Dry Dry Desert on Sunday to take the outright lead in the championship, and his first victory since Rainbow Road in 1993. The last time the Yoshi led the championship was after Round 7 of that same championship. Now, 11 years later it appears that he is well and truly back to kick some tail.

The season opened with Bowser Jr. taking a strong victory at Luigi Circuit, while Waluigi and they eventually caught up to one another in the standings by the end of the fourth round. Waluigi failed to win a race but was so consistent that he sits third in the standings overall behind his teammate and Yoshi. Mitsuyoshi's breakout seems to have occurred again, and they lead the constructors as well in front of BMW, and the two teams have a very strong lead over the opposition.

[Rob Dylan]

MIA BACKROOM DEALINGS END IN IMPASSE

It is understood that some members current and former of Bowser Motor Works (BMW) are in courtroom dealings internally with the MIA regarding the outcome of the 2003 Mario Kart season. While no evidence or comments have been provided, this magazine understands it may have something to do with Toad's mysterious absence from Rainbow Road, and potential foul play.

Mario Mario has announced his indefinite retirement from motorsport as a result of this impasse, citing something about "justice".


Artist's impression of angry Mario

[Rob Dylan]

MARIO RETURNS TO MARIO KART RACING!

In what is being called "the comeback of the century", Mario Mario has come to an agreement with the MIA and will be returning to duty at his upcoming home race of Mario Circuit...

[Rob Dylan]

Flower Cup

We had a surprise winner of the Cup in Daisy, who has all this season been running with her son Baby Luigi in the backseat. At home she took an excellent pole to win victory, which followed second at Mario Circuit where brief teammate Mario Mario took pole and crashed out. Mario has sworn never to return to Mario Kart racing ever again, while the MIA have pocketed the profits from the sell-out crowd.

Toad and DK3 were somewhat disappointing and didn't get a big haul of points. The Mitsuyoshi second runners were excellent and are genuine championship contenders now. Meanwhile, DPRK continued to fall on their faces aside from a shock win by Banjo-Kazooie at Waluigi Stadium.

Now that it's all over, we look forward to a fair and orderly MKDA election and a nice round of golf, hosted by Donkey Kong Jr.

[Rob Dylan]

HOTLY CONTESTED MKDA ELECTION ENDS IN DIVISIVE FARCE

The MKDA elections, held every two years, proved at their most chaotic and controversial this year as eight separate candidates put their name forward for this weekend's event. From newbies to war heroes to world champions, everyone seemed to have an opinion on how the sport should be run and improved. After the quick elimination of minor candidates, the two frontrunners King Boo and Toadsworth went head to head, drawing after the first round and running head-to-head in the second.

What followed was a string of insults, accusations, admissions, illegal vote tampering, the appearance of Gillian Duffy, and a whole load of revelations which really shouldn't have happened when we consider that the point of this is to elect a safety representative. After it is all over, King Boo has won the election by one vote, leaving the losing side very publicly and aggressively angry, threatening to set up their own opposition drivers' association. The MIA have been caught up in this controversy just as much as the drivers have, and there will be a lot of mending required over the next few weeks to push this whole mess under the carpet.

The good news is that DK Jr.'s much-awaited golfing party will go ahead as planned. We look forward to seeing you all there!

[Rob Dylan]

THE SILLIEST SEASON

Mario Kart faces its craziest silly season in recent memory, with announcement following announcement every few hours apparently.

It all started when Waluigi officially announced that, for many months, he had signed a two-year deal with SSL to the end of 2006, which would see his departure from BMW at the end of this year. Following the split in drivers since the divisive MKDA election, it seems the two-time champion has also fallen out with his team, and Bowser wants him out.

Therefore, a backroom deal was done to release Waluigi to SSL with immediate effect. A direct driver swap occurred with Mario Mario, who makes another comeback after announcing his indefinite retirement from racing a week ago.

This all means that SSL now employ seven drivers for the remaining rounds this year, not including co-owner Luigi Mario who hopes to return by the Special Cup. Their line-up is not confirmed, but BMW are shuffling Bowser Jr. into Toad's co-driver spot, with Mario joining DK in the second kart. Those two have had a lot of bad history planning to kill each other, so that should definitely end well.

[Rob Dylan]

CHARITY GOLFING MATCH ENDS IN FARCE

18-HOLE MATCH CANCELLED HALFWAY THROUGH AFTER BICKERING AND ACCUSATIONS OF CHEATING

Donkey Kong Jr. has promised for years that a charity golfing tournament would be set up for the benefit of injured drivers, dead drivers, and the families of both. As golf is the second sport of most of these racing aristocrats, it seemed the natural ticket to bring people together in an apolitical environment. With such luminaries as the 1997 DKR champion Tip Tup as the guests of honour, other families like the Hammertons, Shy Guy, Roy Koopa, and even Drum Stick turned up to witness the event.

However, when Mario's initial lead of six or seven points behind his rivals diminished and was "stolen" at the last moment by an excellent Wario recovery, all participants began complaining, bickering, and claiming sabotage and cheating methods. The original 18 holes were never completed, and the event was impromptu cancelled after nine. All participants are still expected to pay for the charity regardless.

[Rob Dylan]

Star Cup

The Star Cup was a frightening return to normality as the drivers let their skills do the talking. Waluigi was now at SSL six months early, with the illustrious Mario Mario taking his place and the BMWs fighting tooth and nail to be considered the best of the best in Mario Kart. Mario impressed greatly, even if he couldn't get a win together. Para Troopa likewise impressed in his old age by winning at Yoshi Circuit, and Morton Koopa took his maiden victory at Mushroom City.

What it meant in practice was that a few frontrunners were already out, namely Daisy and Yoshi, while just about all the BMW drivers and Waluigi are still in it with four races to go.

[Rob Dylan]

Special Cup

It was a masterclass of championship recovery as Toad went from somewhere buried in the middle of the standings to a world champion in the Special Cup. Four wins in his final five races, with a third place at Wario Colosseum for his weakest performance. His teammate Bowser Jr. put up a decent fight in the final race but was unable to defeat the 2002 champion, who now takes his second championship for BMW. Banjo-Kazooie took a controversial win at Rainbow Road which was followed up by a disqualification after the fact after they punted off Dribble & Spitz on the second lap.

Other exciting moments happened such as near-injuries for Peach and Conker (twice) as well as for King Bobomb and Dixie Kong (who always seems to end up in these scenarios). Waluigi's SSL gamble did not pay off, as the team's succession of different drivers all ran out of available rounds. For some good PR, Tiny Kong was brought back after a year out of the sport, and she repaid the team in full by failing to qualify for Rainbow Road, effectively putting Waluigi out of any contention to win the championship before the race had begun.

BMW won the championship with a race to go, and Toad became a two-time world champion! He also, it goes without saying, won the Special Cup.

[Rob Dylan]

And now for the awards:

Reject of the Year has to by default go to Peasley Beanbean. Surely one of the worst debutants in Mario Kart history, he failed to qualify once in any of his own races, and managed to do a job ten times worse than Mark Wiggler (who was unable to finish a race before him) and Wiz Pig (who was barely qualifying back in Diddy Kong Racing, never mind now). It was a bold move of Boo to hire him, and one that didn't pay off.

Honourable mentions must go to Tiny Kong, who cost her co-driver Waluigi the championship when she failed to qualify for Rainbow Road. Seeing as she is still recovering from injury, we can give her some leeway at least. Koopa Kolorado also deserves some criticism for falling flat on his face in a sophomore slump. He was by far the worst Koopra Sport driver and was fairly trounced by Dribble & Spitz, who just went from strength to strength.

The Monisha Kaltenborn Award goes to SSL, for their hiring of just about 50% of the grid by the time 2004 was up. After Daisy's initial lead was seized, Toadette was likewise unable to make a dent on the championship. When Waluigi was re-hired after a year and a half at BMW, he was able to springboard to the championship lead before Toad usurped him at the last moment. Mark Wiggler, Chunky Kong, Baby Luigi, Baby Mario, Tiny Kong, and Mario Mario himself all graced the green cars at some point over the year. That's nine drivers!

The Most Improved Award goes to Bowser Jr., who in 2004 stepped out of his father's shadow and geniunely fought for the championship ten years after his father too fought for the 1994 championship (and too finished runner-up). With two strong wins under his belt, he will be a championship favourite for 2005.

The Surprise of the Year Award must go to King Bobomb, who ended the season as top dog at Mitsuyoshi. In spite of his now-famous choke at Bowser's Castle, he was within championship contention almost to the very end, even ahead of such luminaries as the double world champion Dixie Kong and near-champion Yoshisaur.

The Win of the Year award goes to Donkey Kong, who won dominantly in pouring rain conditions at Mushroom Bridge in his first race for BMW. After a difficult 2003, he had a difficult 2004 where his opening win was the biggest highlight. Can he turn his form around to be in the running for 2005?