Microprose Grand Prix - 20 years too late...

[dinizintheoven]

Round 16: Adelaide, Australia

GRID:
1 – 1 HWNSNBM (F1 Rejects) – 1'20.718
2 – 2 J-D. Délétraz (F1 Rejects) – 1'22.438
3 – 5 M. Andretti (USGP) – 1'22.942
4 – 20 N. Piquet (Toleman) – 1'23.027
5 – 27 G. Villeneuve (Ferrari) – 1'23.072
6 – 4 Y. Ide (Super Aguri) – 1'24.081
7 – 28 J. Hunt (Ferrari) – 1'24.164
8 – 32 T. Inoue (Simtek) – 1'24.211
9 – 23 P. Martini (Minardi) – 1'24.502
10 – 21 G. Brabham (Life) – 1'24.629
11 – 33 S. Borgudd (Simtek) – 1'24.713
12 – 15 A. Montermini (Pacific) – 1'24.870
13 – 19 R. Schumacher (Toleman) – 1'25.270
14 – 6 S. Speed (USGP) – 1'25.426
15 – 22 B. Giacomelli (Life) – 1'25.518
16 – 26 P. Alliot (Prost) – 1'26.144
17 – 16 P. Belmondo (Pacific) – 1'26.268
18 – 3 K. Nakajima (Super Aguri) – 1'26.989
19 – 25 O. Grouillard (Prost) – 1'27.068
20 – 14 P. Ghinzani (Osella) – 1'27.461
21 – 24 J. Carwash (Minardi) – 1'27.742
22 – 12 E. Naspetti (Forti) – 1'27.873
23 – 30 R. Rosset (Lola) – 1'28.002
24 – 29 V. Sospiri (Lola) – 1'28.212
25 – 9 E. Bertaggia (EuroBrun) – 1'28.253
26 – 7 G. Foitek (Monteverdi) – 1'28.669

DNQ:
8 P-H. Raphanel (Monteverdi)
10 C. Langes (EuroBrun)
11 L. Badoer (Forti)
17 F. Hesnault (AGS)
18 F. Barbazza (AGS)
31 P. Chaves (Coloni)
34 R. Moreno (Andrea Moda)
35 P. McCarthy (Andrea Moda)

And so the miracle that Michael Andretti needs is very much not set up, and with his wingman down in 14th, you'd have to say that USGP's proclamation that "God is on our side and we will prevail" is about to turn out to be very, very wrong indeed. It's all down to an internet F1 site run by two Aussies, with their unnamed Hungarian lead driver delivering the goods yet again. Nelson Piquet Jr. may be aiming to ruin the party, though, and don't bet against Yuji Ide for more end-of-season points, while his team mate is back top depressing form. Life have reason to be happier than they've been recently, as does Piercarlo Ghinzani, dragging the recalcitrant Osella to a third appearance in the race. Paul Belmondo will not be thrilled with 17th, Lola's prospects are looking bleak... but black clouds really descend on Monteverdi, as Gregor Foitek follows up his points in Japan with a 26th on the grid here, with a third DNQ of the season for PHR. And with Pedro Chaves and Perry McCarthy failing to qualify, with both only scoring one race appearance and a 26th place finish each, they're certain to finish joint last in the season rankings.

By the way... it's a wet race. I'll bet nobody saw that coming, did they? That should spice things up a bit.


RACE:

1 – 2 J-D. Délétraz (F1 Rejects) – 2h 13'28.166
2 – 6 S. Speed (USGP) + 4.661
3 – 27 G. Villeneuve (Ferrari) + 1 lap
4 – 1 HWNSNBM (F1 Rejects) + 1 lap
5 – 4 Y. Ide (Super Aguri) + 1 lap
6 – 32 T. Inoue (Simtek) + 1 lap
7 – 19 R. Schumacher (Toleman) + 1 lap
8 – 20 N. Piquet (Toleman) + 1 lap
9 – 33 S. Borgudd (Simtek) + 2 laps
10 – 23 P. Martini (Minardi) + 2 laps
11 – 5 M. Andretti (USGP) + 2 laps
12 – 16 P. Belmondo (Pacific) + 2 laps
13 – 15 A. Montermini (Pacific) + 3 laps
14 – 21 G. Brabham (Life) + 3 laps
15 – 24 J. Carwash (Minardi) + 3 laps
16 – 3 K. Nakajima (Super Aguri) + 3 laps
17 – 22 B. Giacomelli (Life) + 3 laps
18 – 29 V. Sospiri (Lola) + 3 laps
19 – 25 O. Grouillard (Prost) + 4 laps
20 – 7 G. Foitek (Monteverdi) + 4 laps
21 – 30 R. Rosset (Lola) + 5 laps
22 – 14 P. Ghinzani (Osella) + 5 laps
23 – 9 E. Bertaggia (EuroBrun) + 5 laps
24 – 26 P. Alliot (Prost) + 5 laps
25 – 12 E. Naspetti (Forti) + 6 laps
DNF – 28 J. Hunt (Ferrari)

Andretti wasn't going down without a fight, and disposed of Délétraz at the start – only for Gilles Villeneuve, desperate to prove a point that he didn't need to, banzai them both in damn-near-zero visibility. All Andretti could hope for was for the never-say-die Canuck to punt HWNSNBM and himself off the track, which was more suited to powerboats than F1 cars. Délétraz and Hunt both passed the championship leader on lap 6, Gilles on lap 8, but with Andretti in fifth, that still didn't help him. HWNSNBM waved frantically from the cockpit. "Stop the race! Stop the race!" he seemed to say – knowing full well that if half points were awarded, whatever the result, he would be champion. Lap 16, where's your god now, Ken Anderson... Speed passed Andretti for fifth, then Nelsinho followed the next lap. It was Hunt leading Délétraz out the front... Speed passed HWNSNBM for third. Andretti eventually had the measure of Piquet and Ide to stay fifth, HWNSNBM was still ahead, but it was the three number twos in the top three positions.

Half distance, the order was: JDD, Hunt, Speed, HWNSNBM, Andretti, Gilles – which would mean both championships going to F1 Rejects as things stood...

...but The Shunt spun off, thrusting HWNSNBM back into the top three, and Andretti disappeared as well. Loud curses were hurled round the USGP garage, and the Pillsbury doughboy began to eat one of his own arms in frustration. At least the Constructor's championship wasn't totally out of reach; Gilles overtook HWNSNBM for third, and Scott Speed nibbled at JDD's gearbox for the lead. HWNSNBM was lapped on lap 65 by his less illustrious team mate. Ten laps to go, HWNSNBM was still off the podium, Andretti a miserable eleventh... it had all gone wrong for him now, having scored points in every round so far. And that, for the rest of the race, is how it remained. So, there were wild celebrations all round in the F1 Rejects garage. Jean-Denis Délétraz took the race win. HWNSNBM could only manage fourth, but with Andretti nowhere, he took the Drivers' Championship by 33 points... with Gilles Villeneuve nicking second place at the death. Even Scott Speed was unhappy on the podium; he knew that if he'd passed Délétraz when he had the chance, USGP would be Constructors' Champions. But, in the end, they weren't; that title went to F1 Rejects as well, a team who had never once been in the lead for the championship... until now.

Here's the final standings:

DRIVERS' CHAMPIONSHIP:
1 – HWNSNBM (F1 Rejects) – 252
2 – G. Villeneuve (Ferrari) – 219
3 – M. Andretti (USGP) – 217
4 – S. Speed (USGP) – 205
5 – J-D. Délétraz (F1 Rejects) – 180
6 – J. Hunt (Ferrari) – 126
7 – N. Piquet (Toleman) – 92
8 – S. Borgudd (Simtek) – 83
9 – T. Inoue (Simtek) – 64
10 – Y. Ide (Super Aguri) – 63
11 – R. Schumacher (Toleman) – 41
12 – P. Belmondo (Pacific) – 24
13 – A. Montermini (Pacific) – 19
14 – K. Nakajima (Super Aguri) – 6 (best results: 7th × 1, 11th × 2)
15 – B. Giacomelli (Life) – 6 (best results: 7th × 1, 12th × 2)
16 – P. Martini (Minardi) – 6 (best results: 10th × 6)
17 – J. Carwash (Minardi) – 5
18 – G. Foitek (Monteverdi) – 4 (best results: 8th × 1)
19 – G. Brabham (Life) – 4 (best results: 9th × 2)
DID NOT SCORE:
20 – O. Grouillard (Prost) – DNQ × 1, 13th × 1
21 – V. Sospiri (Lola) – DNQ × 1, 14th × 1
22 – P. Alliot (Prost) – DNQ × 2, 15th × 1
23 – P-H. Raphanel (Monteverdi) – DNQ × 3, 15th × 1
24 – R. Rosset (Lola) – DNQ × 3, 18th × 1
25 – L. Badoer (Forti) – DNQ × 5, 17th × 1
26 – E. Bertaggia (EuroBrun) – DNQ × 7, 18th × 2
27 – F. Hesnault (AGS) – DNQ × 11, 21st × 1
28 – E. Naspetti (Forti) – DNQ × 12, 20th × 1
29 – C. Langes (EuroBrun) – DNQ × 12, 24th × 2
30 – P. Ghinzani (Osella) – DNQ × 13, 18th × 1
31 – R. Moreno (Andrea Moda) – DNQ × 13, 24th × 1
32 – F. Barbazza (AGS) – DNQ × 14, 25th × 1
33= P. Chaves (Coloni) – DNQ × 15, 26th × 1
33= P. McCarthy (Andrea Moda) – DNQ × 15, 26th × 1

CONSTRUCTORS' CHAMPIONSHIP:
1 – F1 Rejects – 432
2 – USGP – 422
3 – Ferrari – 345
4 – Simtek – 147
5 – Toleman – 133
6 – Super Aguri – 69
7 – Pacific – 43
8 – Minardi – 11
9 – Life – 10
10 – Monteverdi – 4
DID NOT SCORE:
11 – Prost – 3/32 × DNQ, best result 13th × 1
12 – Lola – 4/32 × DNQ, best result 14th × 1
13 – Forti – 17/32 × DNQ, best result 17th × 1
14 – EuroBrun – 19/32 × DNQ, best result 18th × 2
15 – AGS – 25/32 × DNQ, best result 21st × 1
16 – Osella – 13/16 × DNQ (equiv. 26/32), best result 18th × 1
17 – Andrea Moda – 28/32 × DNQ, best result 24th × 1
18 – Coloni – 15/16 × DNQ (equiv. 30/32), best result 26th × 1

UNREJECTIFIED DRIVERS:
Villeneuve, Andretti, Hunt, Speed (USA); HWNSNBM, Borgudd (Brazil); Inoue (San Marino); Ide (Monaco); Délétraz (Canada); Piquet (Mexico)
NEARLY UNREJECTIFIED DRIVERS: (i.e. those who scored one or two 6th places)
Schumacher (2 × 6th); Montermini, Belmondo (1 × 6th)


REJECT OF THE YEAR:

An honourable (or should that be dishonourable?) mention goes to Timo Glock, for turning down the USGP drive with what turned out to be a highly competitive team in this series in order to spend another season trundling around at the back of the F1 grid with Virgin. Who knows... maybe he could have been the one to take the fight to HWNSNBM and the F1 Rejects team?

3rd – Prost, most of the season but particularly Hungary
Prost was a poor team this year by anyone's standards, failing to score any points and never really looking like changing that, but surely they were not so poor as to be flirting with DNQs? Alliot managed one earlier in the season, but that question was brutally answered in Hungary when the whole Prost team was packed up and gone by the end of Saturday.

2nd – Ralf Schumacher, Phoenix
Here are the facts. Over the course of the season, 127 of the 128 DNQs were shared between the 16 drivers who failed to score a point all season. The odd one out was Ralf Schumacher, at Phoenix. How did he manage that, in a car that scrapped with Simtek all year for the right to be best of the rest – and in the only race where both deathly-slow AGSs made the grid?

1st – Kazuki Nakajima, for the whole season
Utterly rubbish all season, bar one flash in the pan, and more comprehensively trounced by his team mate than anyone else. Scored a mere 6 points, all at the same race, and usually qualified in the bottom half of the grid in a car which was capable of 63 points, scored over 11 of the 16 races, not to mention achieving a string of top ten grid slots in Yuji Ide's hands. The award could not go to anyone else.


INFINITE IMPROBABILITY DRIVE AWARD:

Special mentions here go to Yuji Ide, for driving the wheels off his Super Aguri and outperforming its abilities in a way that made Kazuki Nakajima look even more amateurish than he could ever have feared, and also to the F1 Rejects and USGP teams, for taking bits and pieces of failed cars and horribly flawed concepts and substandard drivers and somehow, nobody quite knowing how, converting them into the class of the field, and giving us a championship to write home about.

3rd – Michael Andretti, Mexico
So the USGP car was actually a thunderously brilliant machine. Even so, nobody quite expected what would happen in Mexico City. It was not enough for Michael Andretti just to win the race; he lapped the entire field. Nobody else managed that all season, not even the F1 Rejects drivers

2nd – Pedro Chaves, Germany
For actually dragging the worst car in the field by a country mile onto the grid, in 23rd position, at a circuit where raw speed is everything. Then bringing it to the chequered flag. Perry McCarthy, let us not forget, also managed to qualify only once... right at the back of the grid, and the Andrea Moda was good for three race appearances in Roberto Moreno's hands.

1st – Slim Borgudd, San Marino
Slim won, at San Marino, in an unfancied Simtek that was not thought to be a front-running car, beating F1 Rejects, USGP and Ferrari. The other 15 victories were all shared between those three teams. I need say no more.


SCENES FROM THE END OF THE SEASON:

Interviewer: "So, we are here in this press conference with F1 Rejects Team Principals, Jamie McGregor and Enoch Law, along with their winning driver whose name we still do not know. Why is this?"
JMcG: "That's because his name can never be mentioned, mate."
Interviewer: "Rumours abound that the mystery driver is actually Zs... ow! What just hit me on the head?"
The interviewer picks up the offending object. It is a papaya. Nobody owns up to throwing it.
Interviewer: "...mysterious. Anyway, Jamie, can you tell us how you react to this great championship victory?"
JMcG: "Bonza! We won! And in Oz as well! That's about the best way to put it. I think I'll write an article about it for the F1 Rejects website, so that everyone knows we're best."
EYTL: "Ripper, mate. How about we make an extra-special podcast about how brilliant we are as a team, and how great our drivers are..."
JMcG: "...and then have it streamed worldwide on every radio station in the world!"
EYTL: "...and then anyone who doesn't listen to it gets papayaed, just like this flaming gollah here!"
Interviewer: "..."
JMcG: "See ya, mate, we've got some celebrating to do. There's ten crates of Aussie champagne in the motorhome, and by that I mean lager!"
JMcG & EYTL (singing): "Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda..."
The team bosses leave the press conference.
Interviewer: "So, who are we left with? I think we should turn our attention to the series champion. Tell us... what is your real name, exactly?"
HWNSNBM, whose English is far from perfect, pulls out a phrase book.
HWNSNBM: "I will not buy this record... it is scratched."
Interviewer: "What?"
HWNSNBM: "I will not buy this record... it is scratched."
Interviewer: "O...K. I think we might have a few technical issues here. Erm... could you tell us your feelings at beating the might of USGP and Gilles Villeneuve to become series champion?"
HWNSNBM flicks through his phrase book again.
HWNSNBM: "My hovercraft... is full of eels."
Interviewer: "I think we're going to get nowhere here. Call off the press conference! Or get Yuji Ide in, we might get some sense out of him..."

Scene: in the paddock. In the background, Jamie and Enoch are still singing boisterously outside the F1 Rejects motorhome, moving onto "Tie Me Kangaroo Down" and are spraying cans over anyone who happens to be passing. Two garages further down, James Hunt is outside the Ferrari motorhome, holding a large bottle of champagne, smoking three Marlboros at once, and is surrounded by five of the prettiest grid girls. A blonde who is showing as much flesh as is considered legal is getting particularly close to him.
JH: "...and then Gerhard Berger came out the garage, wearing Hans Heyer's hat and lederhosen! Funniest thing I've ever seen. I may have been drunk."
The girls giggle.
JH: "...did I tell you about the time I got even more drunk with Barry Sheene, and ended up having a fight with René Arnoux?"
The pleasant reminiscence is broken by HWNSNBM approaching from the F1 Rejects motorhome, covered in Foster's. He is holding his championship trophy, which is full of lager and has a can floating in it, as well as his prized phrase book. He approaches the girls, fumbles around in the trophy to grab his phrase book, and clumsily opens it and flicks through the soaking wet pages with one hand.
HWNSNBM: "Do you waaaaant... do you waaaaaant... to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?"
The girls break off from their admiration of the sideburned legend and clamp onto the new champion instead, who looks pleased with himself. The blonde takes a drink from HWNSNBM's trophy, and spills some all over herself, not entirely accidentally.
Blonde: "Oh no! I'm all wet! Do you know somewhere I can get changed?"
HWNSNBM: "Erm..." (more frantic thumbing through the phrase book) "...my nipples explode with delight?"
With a resounding clatter of stilettos, the girls abduct HWNSNBM to the Andrea Moda motorhome... apparently when the team packed up on the Saturday evening, they forgot they'd parked it there. HWNSNBM's nipples probably do explode with delight even though he has no idea what he just said...
JH (spitting out all his Marlboros): "Bloody bathplugging hell!"

Scene: the F1 Rejects motorhome. Jamie and Enoch are almost passed out on the floor but are still feeding each other cans of Foster's. JDD has hit the sauce quite hard as well, finding Jamie's secret stash of XXXX. He is sitting on top of the motorhome, pretending to be a cuckoo clock. A crowd has gathered round to watch the spectacle.
Everyone in the crowd: "...what is Délétraz doing?"
JDD's personal stash of Swiss chocolate has melted in the Australian heat. He throws it off the top of the motorhome. Olivier Grouillard picks up one of the melted chocolate bars, and decides it makes a perfect substitute for hair gel. He is later found bound and gagged in the Australian World Champions' Club with Alan Jones frantically licking his head... an ageing Jack Brabham is trying to prise him off the bewildered Frenchman.

Jamie and Enoch are still outside the motorhome the next morning. Allan McNish passes by and gives them a can of Irn-Bru each.
AMcN: "If I give ye this, tae make yer hangover get tae bathplug, will ye no' give me a drive next season? ...There is going tae be another season, the noo?"


...will the Scot's prediction come true? Will HWNSNBM get a chance to defend his F1 Rejects Microprose Grand Prix Series Championship? Or will the series architect, the mysterious "Bernie's in the Oven" change tack and go for an A1GP-style Nations Cup series, or have a GP2 Rejects Championship which will most likely contain Ricardo Teixeira and Michael Herck?

Keep watching the Perry McCarthy forum...

[TomWazzleshaw]

I approve of the Monty Python references.

[Jeroen Krautmeir]

I love this...

[Phoenix]

[tommykl]

I was pissing all over my room by the time it got to the part with Berger in Hans Heyer's clothing.
Not really, cause, you know, that would be absolutely disgusting.

[dr-baker]

I was pissing all over my room by the time it got to the part with Berger in Hans Heyer's clothing.
Not really, cause, you know, that would be absolutely disgusting.

You're right, would indeed be disgusting.

[FMecha]

Why you did not put Rrrooommmainnn~ Grrrosjjjeannn~ in any seat?
Good story though.

[TomWazzleshaw]

I'll give you a year's supply of popcorn* if you give Chris Dagnall a drive and have him win the championship

*It may or may not be out of date considering I got the massive shipment at the beginning of 2010 and have had much lower sales than expected.

[dinizintheoven]

Why you did not put Rrrooommmainnn~ Grrrosjjjeannn~ in any seat?
Good story though.

I never considered Rrrrrrrrrmmnnn Grrrrrrrrjjjjjnnnnn to be anywhere near rejectful enough for this series when there were so many drivers that were far more deserving. He's actually being successful again now, anyway, and could actually make it in F1 if he gets a second chance. I was planning a Microprose Grand Prix-related answer to the A1GP series, but tommykl's Formula Nations has beaten me to it.

There's no guarantee that I'll do a second season of this series, but it could happen... if there's anyone who knows of a DOS-based F1 game that reflects the 1992 season, do tell me. If I use Microprose Grand Prix again, I'll either randomise the cars or have them all equal in a kind of "spec series" so nobody can predict what the order will be, and HWNSNBM will have a rightfully tough time defending his title rather than strolling to another win.

I'll give you a year's supply of popcorn* if you give Chris Dagnall a drive and have him win the championship
*It may or may not be out of date considering I got the massive shipment at the beginning of 2010 and have had much lower sales than expected.

At least that's one team finalised for the 2012 season. I'll have Chris Dagnall and Rrrrrrmmmmmnnn Grrrrrrrrjjjjjnnn as team mates. I will hold you to this free popcorn.

Sponsors for the team will be Wizzie's Free Popcorn and Scunthorpe United, with the car decked out in a neat claret and blue livery.

[FMecha]

4. There was a car editor a while ago. So you can change the liveries, same for helmets as well. Apparently there was a track editor as well, but I never used it.

This?

http://www.simracingworld.com/files/download/401-f1ed-for-windows/

[dinizintheoven]

I might give that a go... then there'll be proper-looking cars for the 2012 season, as well as some preview shots of the cars.

[dinizintheoven]

For the completists... I've made a Wikipedia-style table of results and the like for the 2011 season. The 2012 version will be coming up soon...


DRIVERS' CHAMPIONSHIP



CONSTRUCTORS' CHAMPIONSHIP